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? asked in Society & CultureEtiquette · 1 month ago

Is casual dating selfish?

Let me give some scenarios

I'm a guy. I have a roommate who is a close friend, but from time to time I don't know his whereabouts or availability as he will occasionally spend nights or even entire weekends with "hook ups" . Let's say on a Saturday afternoon I end up stranded on the side of the road with car troubles. I have to walk to autozone for parts because he is busy with what amounts to a temporary floosy. He is unreliable.

Here is another scenario. Let's say I have a girl who is a long term platonic friend that I spend time with frequently. Let's say the two of us make a weekend plan for a road trip to a nearby city, but she cancels the plan due to schoolwork. Later, she uncovers that she spent that weekend with a guy she hooked up with.

In both situations, you have someone who values the temporary hook up over the permanent friendship. I try to let people live their own life, but I also try to stand up for myself and not be walked on even by friends. So I am less motivated to make plans with these people after these instances.

In my own life I feel it is right to value permanent over temporary as I build my life for the future. I feel I am too occupied with building my life and do not have attention to give to a woman unless it's a potential permanent relationship. So in my shoes, I feel that I would not end up leaving a friend on the side of the road over a temporary partner, and I would also not cancel plans with a long term friend over a temporary partner.

10 Answers

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  • 1 month ago

    Your buddy roomate is not your roadside service master. It is irrelevant what he was doing or who he was with, he is not on-call for your needs. How could you even think such a thing is beyond my comprehension.

    It is a different story when you HAVE plans and the you are blown off for a romantic interlude instead. That is just flat-out rude.

    Casual dating is a personal choice.  However, blowing friends and plans off is still rude.

  • 1 month ago

    They're both different. Your friend doesn't have to stick around just in case you have car troubles! If he's not available because he's hooking up, well that's just tough for you. Ring someone else. Your second scanario friend shouldn't have bailed on you. Good friends don't do that. Like I said, different situations. 1st friend is cool, 2nd friend isn't.

  • susan
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    In just curious, did your roommate even know you were stranded by the road at the time? Technically he wasn't obligated to come help you, but if he knew that, it would have been a good friend thing to do. 

    On the other hand, if he wasn't checking his phone, or if he knew you tried to reach him but didn't check his messages, so he didn't know why, then my opinion is he owed you nothing and you were wrong to think he had to check in with you or even listen to his voicemail. 

    Your platonic friend owes you an apology. 

  • Pacna
    Lv 4
    1 month ago

    In scenario 1, why is it their problem that you're stranded with car troubles and have to walk to auto zone? You're an adult, get roadside assistance or call a tow truck.  It's not their responsibility to not have a life because someting might happen to you and it's incredibly selfish of you to think he shouldn't enjoy his life because you're helpless. 

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Better a temporary floozy than a permanent one, I suppose. 

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    i dont think so

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    As long as both parties know it's just casual it's not "selfish" in terms of dating around but that's separate from flaking out on other people. In the first scenario it's not this roommate's job to be on 24/7 call just because you drive a bad car. The second scenario your friend is just a flake and a liar and it doesn't really matter why she did that to you. TBH this just sounds like you're envious that these people are having casual hookups and you're not. This roommate did nothing wrong but this friend did. These are isolated situations that don't really have a common thread. 

  • 1 month ago

    I'm sorry, but I don't expect my friends to be on permanent call if I have a problem or even an emergency. They have to live their own lives, and whether their current partners are "floozies" or "temporary" is none of your business.

  • ,
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You don't have other friends or family to call in case of an emergency?  This guy is your roommate, not a personal assistant.  As far as your female friend, she has different goals in life.  How she spends her time is her business, not yours.

  • 1 month ago

    It sounds more like you expect too much from your friends.  You expect them to make you a priority in every situation.  It is not realistic.  When you expect too much from people they will ALWAYS disappoint you.  

    Friendship is about accepting another person despite their faults in the same way they accept you despite your own faults.  I am willing to bet you have disappointed these same friends more than once in ways you don't think are a big deal, but they did.  They didn't cast you aside, but just lived with the disappointment.  Hence my point, that friendship isn't all or nothing.

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