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Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 2 months ago

So, I'm making a story, would you take the time to read this and give me the critical advice on how to improve?  ?

 Jacob Arnold was an “entitled child” as his father would say, his family were rich from his dad owning his own company, but yet they never gave Jacob anything. Of course, he goes to a private school, maids that’ll iron his clothes and make his lunches. He was grateful for everything that he’s ever gotten, but he just wishes his father would notice him. His father owns a few entertainment centers. Jacob grew up with a younger brother, Lucas, and Lucas was the favorite, definitely. When Lucas does something, he’ll blame it on Jacob, giving him the belt. Jacob didn’t mind, he was never with his father, so when he was getting beat, he was finally able to see him. Lucas on the other hand, was able to help his father at work, and never do any wrong. Their mother died and is out of the picture, no one can know that because they won’t be a perfect family anymore. Jacob normally sits in their mansions library, reading Sci-Fi, forgetting everything wrong in the world. No matter what ever went wrong in his life, he’d always have a smile on his face, and that smile isn’t in any way fake. He is a happy boy, and he won’t let anyone get in the way of his happiness. He will do ANYTHING to keep that truthful smile on his face, that means anything...

Update:

Edited version: Jacob Arnold was an “entitled child,” as his father would frequently point out to him. His family was quite wealthy from his dad owning his own company, but the father never took the time to give attention to his eldest son. Of course, Jacob went to a private school, servants ironed his clothes and made his food. Jacob was grateful for everything that he’d ever gotten, but he just wished for his father's attention. 

Update 2:

Jacob’s father owned several entertainment centers. Jacob grew up with a younger brother Lucas, and Lucas was the favorite, anyone can tell. Whenever Lucas would do something wrong, he’d blame it on Jacob, causing the poor Jacob to receive a severe punishment. Jacob didn’t mind the abuse, he was always just so very delighted to see his father, no matter the cause. Lucas on the other hand, was a sunshine, getting every bit of attention. He was the ideal perfect son. 

Update 3:

Despite the young age of 13, Lucas was a very smart boy.He’d never gotten a grade under an A-.As for Jacob, His grades lowered as their mother passed. Their mother was always brought up in conversations,and the boys father would always simply say “She’s out shopping with my assistant” The family had to be perfect to keep up the reputation.Jacob wasn’t allowed out,ruled by his father,so he stayed inside all day and reads sci-fi in the mansion,dreaming of the world he could make once he turns 18. 

6 Answers

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  • 2 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    There are some problems, but everything is fix-able if you're willing to learn. (Not everyone is.) The most obvious flaws, IMO, are changing verb tenses and that it's all tell and no show. There's not a single line of dialogue, and very little interior monologue, so no POV is also a problem.

    [word] and [punctuation mark] means I deleted something and replace it. []means I just deleted something.

    I didn't take time to do it all, but here's part.

    Jacob Arnold was an “entitled child[,]” as his father would say[.] [H]is family [was] rich from his dad owning his own company, but [] they never gave Jacob anything. Of course, he [went] to a private school, [and] maids [] iron[ed] his clothes and [made] his lunches. He was grateful for everything that he’[d] ever gotten, but he just wishe[d] his father would notice him. [New paragraph] His father own[ed] a few entertainment centers. Jacob grew up with a younger brother[] Lucas, and Lucas was the favorite, definitely.

  • Marli
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Jacob has every material comfort but he wants his father's approbation. Why did Lucas get it? 

    What made Lucas the one their father relied on? A father who wants his sons to take control of his businesses would try out both of them. Why didn't Jacob earn a place in the business?

     Why is Jacob at home reading science fiction instead of working or at least looking for work? He seems content not to work, study or do anything else but lose himself in a fantasy world. He keeps smiling and you say it is not fake. Yet he is "belted", or he was when he was a child. You called him a "boy", yet his younger brother has a role in their dad's business - a man's role, since the entertainment business is not conducted by children.  To me, Jacob appears to have a mental disability - he is "limited" - because he seems childlike and lethargic.

    Why is their mother's death a secret?  How can it be a secret?  Mom must have had friends and family and a social life.  A man who promotes his entertainment businesses has to have his wife as well as his second son at his side during social events, or else make it known that he no longer has a wife.

    What is the problem that is to move your story?  It seems everyone is doing ok.

  • Cogito
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Starting your question with 'So' immediately makes me think that you need to spend a lot of time working on your English!

    Your question alone has several basic errors.

    "I'm writing a story.  Would you take the time to read this and give me some advice on how to improve it?"

    I'll correct and improve the first part, as that's all I have time for.

    "Jacob Arnold was an entitled child, as his father frequently declared.  His family were wealthy, as his father owned a number of successful entertainment centers, but ...

    (They obviously DID give him a lot.  Maybe say that they gave him a lot of material things but not the one thing he really wanted - their attention?)

    He attended an expensive private school and had servants to iron his clothes and prepare his meals. 

    (add some more privileges here, as it would make your point better)

    He was grateful for everything that he’d ever been given but his constant wish was for his father to show him some affection. 

    Jacob had a younger brother, Lucas, who was obviously his parents' favourite. When Lucas misbehaved or broke something he would always blame it on Jacob, who would be admonished and harshly punished."

    Your sentence structure is weak and some things are put in the wrong place.  You also need to learn how to punctuate.  Watch your tenses - keep it as 'he is' or 'he was' - you can't jump about constantly between the present tense and the past.  Think about what you want your reader to know, what they ought to be thinking about your characters and set the scene carefully.

    Do you see what I mean?  Keep working at writing, read loads of books and don't give up.  It takes a lot of very hard work to write well.   I hope that helps!

  • Tina
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Decide on one tense and use it consistently. Break this into paragraphs.

    You say the family 'never gave Jacob anything' - apart from sending him to private school, and having the household staff wait on him...presumably his clothes are also bought fro him, and he has access to the family library, which, rather surprisingly contains science fiction...he's not actually doing too badly.

    No one must know the mother's dead? what do they do, tell people she's out shopping or having coffee with friends when they ask?

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  • Ludwig
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    If you start a question with 'so',  you will never be a writer.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    he, his, his, he, he his, he, his.

    How many times are you going to use these words?

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