Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 4 weeks ago

Dangers of possible Codependency?

I'm 44 years old and have been divorced twice, but I'm dating my best friends brother who is 35, and he has been living with me for quite a while now. His companionship is nice and the physical needs are being met. 

     I'll be honest, he doesn't have much to offer. He is trying to start his own business and I'm  trying to help him start it. I'm an accountant so I'm able to support his accounting needs, provide him with a place to stay (otherwise, he would have to live with his parents), his car is broken so he is driving mine. 

    He also has two kids that he doesn't seem to have custody of, but he has a hard time paying his ex wife any type of child support. His children are darling, and I have started to bond with them; but we don't see them that often. I actually miss the kids. For the most part, I stay completely out of his business but I'm curious what you're thoughts are on this situation. 

Update:

He is trying to start a career by owning his own business. I am lonely, the last of my three sons are about to leave the house, and his companionship is nice. 

6 Answers

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  • 4 weeks ago

    You are free to mess up your life any way to want to. 

  • i + i
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    No. No dangers, since what 

    you described has nothing 

    to do with codependency. 

  • 4 weeks ago

    If you were a male and your friend was a female everyone would think it was completely normal.  By role reversal this might be hypothetical but it shouldn't be any different from a man supporting his "wife".  You might be being used. But if you are happy there are worse things in life.

  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    My thoughts are that he sounds like a user and you sound like a bit of a sucker. He has children he doesn’t pay child support for but also doesn’t have custody of, so he’s a deadbeat. He doesn’t have a career which allows him the financial stability to provide for himself. He doesn’t have reliable transportation. And I’m guessing he doesn’t contribute to your household bills much, if at all. All of that screams user and loser to me.

    And you seem to be satisfied to be used in this manner, and relatively unbothered that a man in his mid 30s doesn’t have his life together if not for his own sake, for the sake of his children. Have you reached a point where you are both enjoying the attention from a younger man and having concern that if you don’t support him financially like this the relationship might end and you’ll be alone? There are worse things than being alone, but if you don’t mind supporting him and never having an equal partner, that’s your choice. It wouldn’t be mine.

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  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    Co-dependency has several definitions, and takes multiple forms, but I can tell you that you aren't in a co-dependent relationship- at least not yet. If your boyfriend was a substance abuser, or had some other type of serious behavioral health issue (such as a gambling problem, for example), then there would be an issue of co-dependency.

    That said, I do have some questions. Why would you be the one providing HIM with a place to live? He should at least be earning enough income to be able to afford his own place. If he can't, or won't, then that's a red flag. He's not a co-dependent in that case, he's a lazy FREELOADER. And he may be taking advantage of you. The fact that he has two kids that he apparently can't support is cause for concern as well. If you marry this guy, he'll expect you to help him pay for the kids' care, when you are in NO WAY obliged to do so. They are HIS KIDS, NOT YOURS. Their welfare is HIS PROBLEM. DON'T MAKE IT YOURS, because you'll have a lot of regrets if that happens.

    I think you would be well advised to tell Romeo that he needs to get a place of his own and MOVE OUT. You shouldn't be supporting him financially, period. You have a life of your own and a retirement to plan for. When he gets his act together (if he ever does) then you two can think about shacking up again.

  • Kelley
    Lv 5
    4 weeks ago

    The roles are reversed in your household.  God intended the man to provide financially and the woman to be a housewife or a housewife who assists in her husband's or father-in-law's business.  You have to change the relationship to match what God wants.  God also does not want people to have sex outside of marriage.  (See the Bible.)

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