I can't handle my best friend anymore?
Some context, I feel like I've been growing away from my friend over the last few months. Her personality and values have done a complete 180, and I have less and less in common with her. When we met, she seemed more introverted and into books like me, but now she's started to get more interested in alcohol, weed, and going out with a ton of friends. Normally, I would embrace anything that makes my friends happy, but er new habits seem unhealthy, and as far as our friendship goes, I feel like we have nothing to talk about anymore. Anytime I try to tell her about something that made me happy, she blatantly ignores it and talks about how high she got the night before. I'm just finding it harder and harder to care about her, because this isn't the friend I fell in love with. Does anyone have advice on if I should try to wait this out/accept who she is now, or just walk away?
- Mike ALv 61 month ago
I have been through similar, with a friend who changed so much, that I had to put some distance between myself and them. The truth is, you can bet on the fact that she's at least going through a honeymoon phase with her party days, and everything is exciting and new. It may very well be that she will get out there, have a whole bunch of fun and then one day she will look around and see that none of these people are actually her friends.
I would just let her go for now. It's possible that she's a genuine person and she's been taken in by the allure of the party life. Or it may just be that she was never the quality of person you thought she was, and she was just being fake to have a friend. If she has been fake, you may never get back the friendship you did have with her. But clearly she's moved on from what she at least acted like was important to you.
Sometimes the cement that holds two people together as friends is some shared ideal. In those cases, once one person's ideals change, the friendship can sometimes fall apart. I am 41 and and a guy I was best friends with when we were teenagers turned out to be a real jerk. I really tried to get back our friendship, as social media wasn't what it is now, and we lost touch after high school. In his case, he basically stayed the same, and it was me that grew up. He's a pandemic denier and his political ideals are completely at odds with mine. Not only that, but he's still as racist as I was in high school. If you look at his facebook, it's full of negativity. Angry post after angry post, filled with all sorts of profanity. We got into some arguments over him posting debunked, misleading news that facebook would later take down. In fact, he even bragged that he figured out how to evade the fact-checkers and his profile was shut down two days later.
So, I perfectly understand about having a good friendship go sour. Different circumstances in this case, but a big example of thinking you knew someone, only to be shocked at how they now are. Though this is the first time you will have to let someone go, it certainly won't be the last.
There may be a point where your friend realizes what a jerk she has been and owns up to it. It may be after she sees how fake this party group is. I'd say keep an open mind, but make it clear that you won't be standing by and watching her mess her life up, and pretend to be okay with it.
And that's the best advice I can give.
- Anonymous1 month ago
You can distance yourself more without cutting her off completely. Don't burn your bridges. Next year or 5 years from now you two could again become close. But not if you don't stay in touch.
This is someone with whom you're intimately acquainted, not someone you just met. It's OK to say "C'mon, you know I have zero interest in how intoxicated you got last night. What have you been reading?"
The idea that you "fell in love" with this person is alarming. Scale back your level of involvement to "enjoy her company, or at least used to enjoy her company." Seek out other people who share your interests. Lean to live without a "bestie" in the picture. Invite your former bestie to join book discussions with your new associates. Invite your former bestie to have a one-on-one with you to talk about books. Stay in touch but don't put so much of yourself into this.
- Anonymous1 month ago
"Does anyone have advice on if I should try to wait this out/accept who she is now, or just walk away?"
You can do all those things.
Sure, accept her as she is. But that doesn't mean you have to like it or want to stay her best friend. Sure, you can spend less time with her to pursue YOUR interests and other friendships, but that doesn't mean you have to have some dramatic break-up with her. It's pretty normal for friends to grow apart. But if you leave the door open, someday years down the line you may rekindle the relationship.
Unless she's truly toxic, I would just let the friendship die a natural death over a period of time rather than a dramatic break-up ("walking away"). Just start being busy living your life, initiate less contact with her but don't be rude when she contacts you. Gentle transition without drama can be helpful for both parties and also for the other friends in the circle that may get caught in the middle.