Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 2 months ago

Women rarely have options. ?

It just seems a bit unfair that when a marriage fails and there are kids involved; the ex husband moves on faster than the woman. The woman is focusing on raising the kids while the ex husband's relationship with the kids seems optional. Of course, this does not apply to all men. But most men have the ability to easily go out on dates have have a relationship because most don't have children living at home. Am I wrong? Meanwhile, the woman goes on a couple dates and IT SEEMS that when she tells them she has children, the date runs and never calls back. This has not happened to me because I am focusing on my children, my career and my own life. But I have seen so many women in this position and it just seems so unfair. These women want to love, these women want to share their life with someone, but rarely are men interested because she has kids living at home. It's so sad. 

I know this doesn't apply to everyone. 

Update:

Again, I never said I want to live a different lifestyle. I'll refrain from my personal divorce journey, I'll just say it sucked but the kids and I are stable and safer. So my focus is elsewhere right now. I'm just saying,  I have a number of female friends who try to embark on the dating journey only to be shut down by a lot of men because they have the kids. Their ex husbands are barely in their own kids lives; they don't show up or give the kids false promises. It's just wrong. 

12 Answers

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Not trying to age you but this is a very generational situation and divorced fathers under about 35 are far more likely to demand and get shared custody or ample visitation with their children than older guys are. I know lots of divorced parents who share custody wherein the man dates on his childfree nights and the woman dates on her childfree nights. Yes, single, childfree women are more willing to date a single dad than are single, childfree men willing to date a single mom. That's just a function of the genders having different priorities and different attitudes and there's really just not much we can do about that. At the end of the day we're all still human and there's only much artificial social engineering any society can do. Perhaps lobby your Congresspersons to introduce legislation to create tax breaks for single dudes who willingly date single moms. It's just the human condition after a point and this is why women should be extremely careful about whom they decide to make babies with. 

  • 2 months ago

    Women DO have options! They can refuse to be the custodial parent! They can go to school, work full time jobs, have adventures, do all sorts of things! Fighting to have sole custody of the children does tend to mean that they will be the primary parent to the children and receive some (a little) fiscal support to enable that arrangement. Women can refuse that job! The courts require someone be the parent. Doesn't have to be the Mom. 

  • 2 months ago

    You can thank a court system and mostly vindictive wives for men not having greater involvement with their children.

    Ironically, women file for divorce 80% of the time (USA). So, the man accepts it and (shocker) just moves on.

    The (now-ex) wife, however, is bitter, manipulative and controlling. They fight to retain full custody of the kids because that is how they get the biggest cash infusion (which goes back to the real problem - they file for divorce, then resent that he accepts it and moves on). Most divorced women are borderline psycho, almost always narcissistic, and seek to place blame on everyone else for anything that hasn't worked out for them.

    So, please explain why any single man would want to date you? As your verbage above shows, you have this notion that men not wanting to date a divorced woman with kids is somehow unfair. I'd like to know: Why would they?

    You've eluded to the realization that most (smart, successful) single men don't want to get involved with a woman with baggage (kids) for a number of reasons. (1) The kids will ALWAYS come first...so the guy has to accept he will never be a priority for the woman. (2) If the relationship gets serious, he'll then have to accept not only being a low priority, but have to accept fiscal responsibility for the new woman and her kids. If they have additional kids, he has to accept that his kids will not get the same love for her as 'HER' kids from the previous marriage. (3) He will have NO input/say into the  discipline of her children ('you're not my dad' syndrome). (4) Because of her past 'issues' he will also have to fight 'imaginary accusations' and everything she imagines happened in her first marriage. So...with all of these issues, why would a successful, good looking guy chose to date you over a singe woman?

  • 2 months ago

    To each his own, and it is understandable that someone wouldn't want to get saddled with children from a previous relationship, whether they are man or woman, for that matter.  These preferences aren't set up by rules nor do they involve "fairness". 

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  • a
    Lv 4
    2 months ago

    Many people (man and women) don't want to raise somebody else's children. Others perceive there is still a lot of animosity / drama between the ex-spouses, and opt out of further involvement. 

    I did know a father who pretty much walked away. He moved about an hour away from his children, to live with his girlfriend. As luck would have it, the ex-wife and her new man later moved to the town next to his. (Good school system, and New Man's child lived there). Then ex husband decided that picking up the children and dropping them off was too much trouble - and this was the next town over.  A few years later, he had another new girlfriend, and he moved away a second time. 

    He was disappointed that the two children from his marriage make time to visit his old girlfriend and their half-sister, but not him. Well, he moved away from them, twice.

  • 2 months ago

    If you want to live a different lifestyle, then give your ex custody of the kids

  • edward
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    I don’t know any father who doesn’t want to spend time with his kids.  If the parents could agree on shared custody instead of a custody battle and quesrreling over child support...i mean men simply can not afford to have the kids at his house because he has the child support cheques going away all the time.  If shared custody was actually shared.  They wouldn’t have a problem

  • Craig
    Lv 5
    2 months ago

    This revolves around custody of the children.  If a woman wants the "freedom" she thinks she sees divorced men enjoying, then she should be sure to give full custody of the children to their father when they split.  Many divorcing dads would be happy to trade their "freedom" for custody of their kids.

  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    So what are you actually upset and bitter about here? The ex husbands who don’t get custody as often and may only have limited visitation, so have more freedom, or the men who date single mothers and then ghost when they learn she has children? Because the issue with men who don’t want to date single mothers have nothing to do with what percentage of the time she has her children with her and everything to do with the people they are. 

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    "Am I wrong?"

    You're making a lot of broad generalizations which may or may not be true in any particular situation.

    In most situations, both partners are responsible for the failure of the marriage.  How each couple wants to handle dissolution and parenting is up to them to figure out.  

    You seem to think kids are unfairly dumped on women.   How many women do you know would be happy to give up custody?

    ETA:   "It's just wrong."   No it's not.   NO ONE is obligated to date someone if they don't want to.   Kids and a divorce would be a dating deal-breaker for me and I'm a woman.   See?   Plenty of options. 

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