Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

My mother abused me as a kid and always criticises me as an adult. At what point do I just cut her off?

She used to hit me a lot growing up. The typical narcisstic parent-golden children-black sheep dynamic. I was the black sheep, my siblings were the golden children. But we've all been subjects of her abuse at times, just me much more. I'm 25 now and I feel so sad around her. She's extremely toxic. I feel like even though she doesn't physically abuse me anymore she still abuses me emotionally. I can't tell her even the most basic things e.g. I went to the store...because she will go off. It's like anything I do sets her off. I was a depressed teen and considered suicide multiple times throughout and running away. Now as an adult I just want to cut her off and live my own life, but I'm afraid...because the rest of my family will side with her saying "stop being a drama queen, she's not that bad" blah blah but I just HATE her. I have tried but I can never be good enough. Words can't describe my hate for this woman. I don't even like calling her my mother. No, I have no mother. 

8 Answers

  • ?
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    I had these same issues & since you want to break free and change your course of life and mindset...tell no one what you plan to do to make yourself healthy and happy.

    No need to create drama and be called a Queen, more bad rude vibes. Seems like they feed off her too.You dont need to feel guilty for making yourself mentally happier.

    You need a plan for you to move forward. A time line, a to do list. A plan with goals and a date.

    Thank god you are out of the house, now distance yourself start with less calling texting to mom and siblings just less social media all together daily. Stop all the posting and likes.

    You should be busy working on you with a plan, goals and dates...if they ask, you are busy with gym, exercise, new class, complere the on honest with everyone....less social media for you and more you time in general.

    Your long term plan in a nut shell needs to be moving away, out of state, far away so its costly to visit.

    For years i tried to distance myself, moving to a small town 30 miles away helped. Moving 7 states away really changed my life. Plus, created the freedom and distance i needed to be mentally healthier.

    So it starts small and growsi stopped visiting too prior to moving out of state...i mean how often do you really need to see each other.

    Stop sharing your business, stop worrying about what they will think or do...just work towards your goals.

    When you get ready to move, tell no one. Id wait till the last minute. Once i told people then they wanted to do dinner so they could pri into my business...dont do that...

    The next time, i told them after i moved, new job opportunities. 

    Never invite them, they will need a hotel.

    Never visit once you leave...yeap the first Thanksgiving and Christmas you so you have other plans its tough...but..dont give moved because you have no interest in that town.

    I swear i tried so hard with my family. In between the rude, verball abuse daily or when i visited during the holidays the whole family seemed to have a grud or issues with me. But, if they needed money, a loan, a co signer they were so fake nice it was crazy. Finally no more loaning, then i dont have to collect. No holidays, no gifts, no cards....nope

    Overall down the road...just say youre not interested and have other have to move forward for you and be strong. Its worth it...honestly ive never looked back...

    Haven't talked to siblings in years when i said no fix$$, loans, that made my mom angery so she stopped talking to me but said **** to other family. She passed 3 years ago and i cared less..havent seen or talked to anyone in 7 years...missed weddings, deaths, and births and baby showers and birthdays...i dont care...i dont want a thing to do with them ever....its very freeing.

    Good luck

  • Carmen
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    Hello troubled one hopefully you hate the way you were treated more than you hate the person who mistreated you but it’s understandable how you feel. Is your mom on any medication now or when you were younger that contributed to her behavior towards you? Was your father in the picture when you were growing up? Is any of her behavior towards you because of her personal life or lifestyle? Since we don’t know you or your mom it’s hard to answer your question from the outside looking in so to speak. Parents are suppose to love their children unconditionally and protect and care for them and show natural affection towards them. Just like children are suppose to honor love cherish and respect their parents if possible. Maybe space between you two might heal some open wounds and take away some of the hurt you’re feeling and help you heal emotionally if applicable.  It doesn’t matter what your siblings say it’s your life and peace of mind at stake so only you can decide whether to cut her off or just respectfully move out and give yourself time to regroup and hopefully in time a better relationship with your mom will be possible. Try to keep a calm heart. 

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    It's almost considered a rite of passage to cut your parents off at some point and remain elusive for a few years. Once you've had some time to process everything and establish yourself mentally as an independent entity you'll probably feel differently. Of course if you can't make this normal transition to acceptance of your past you'll need to seek some therapy. The thing about hating other people is that other people don't care and it only hurts the one who's doing the hating. So whether you ever mature enough to have a polite relationship with your family or not it'll be essential to your own sanity that you do the work to be able to live your own life and not dwell on your family. If the entire focus of your existence is hating your mother that won't leave much space for you to find happiness as an individual. 

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    i just wouldnt live with her

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  • ?
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You should never stay around toxic people, and from what you described, this fits your mother, today, as well as long ago. Disregard what others may say, do what's best for yourself as your topmost priority.  Good wishes, and bon voyage!

  • Ivan
    Lv 4
    1 month ago

    So, if you don't live with her any more just stop going around her. If the rest of the family doesn't like it, tell them to mind their own business. There is no rule that we have to like our family after we become independent adults.

  • T J
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    The time to cut her out of your life, is right now.

  • Murzy
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Distance your self from her.

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