What do you think of this?
She looked at the mirror and noticed the long straight hair parted in the middle, the long braid, her grey shirt the green cardigan, paired with a boring and average black skirt. 'Of course he prefers her to you. You look like a country girl. No, a peasant'. Her love for him made her question herself and almost brought her to self hate. Til then she knew what she was. An humble orphan girl who did miles everyday to go to a school she wasn't even accepted to, who worked in the fields to pay for the books. But now she just thought she was a useless, poor and insignificant being in the world. 'You want her? Good. You'll never see me again' she thought within herself and rushed to the hell of the ship where her old brown suitcase was and took all her things. 'You'll never see me again Sean. Go to her if that's what you want. You'll settle down for life'. Then she went to the reception to ask for a shared room. There wasn't hope or love anymore in her heart. Just a deep hate for all the things, for her beloved, for the world in general, fate and nature. If Sean was in her mind her immaculate hero, the one that saved her, now he was a treacherous traitor, in search of women and wealth. 'Stupid girl. How could you have ever thought that he would really loved you, with your scars, old clothes and no penny in your pocket?'.
Suddenly she forgot how he saved her life more than once, how he wiped her tears and gave her hope when she could only see darkness.
- MarliLv 72 months agoFavorite Answer
At last "the guy" has a name. Sean.
"Her love for him made her question herself and almost brought her to self hate. Til then she knew what she was. An humble orphan girl who did miles everyday to go to a school she wasn't even accepted to, who worked in the fields to pay for the books. But now she just thought she was a useless, poor and insignificant being in the world."
This part seemed to pull me out of her immediate point of view and put me in the balcony, looking at her as though she was on a stage far below.
An humble orphan girl who did miles everyday to go to a school she wasn't even accepted to, who worked in the fields to pay for the books. [An orphan who (walked, cycled) miles everyday to a school where she wasn't accepted; who worked in the fields to pay for the books.]
The girl has been with Sean, not attending school, for how long? She ran away with him. She eloped with him and is on a ship. She can't say she is still a schoolgirl.
She can't go into the hull of the ship, if by "hull" you mean the cargo hold. Passengers would not be allowed there. You meant that her cabin or dormitory is in the hull of the ship.
Use either "treacherous" or "traitor".
"Suddenly she forgot how he saved her life more than once, how he wiped her tears and gave her hope when she could only see darkness."
I'm up in the balcony again with the godlike narrator. I can understand from the angry speech she is giving Sean (if he had been there to hear it), that she has forgotten that Sean had stood by her and saved her life. So there is no need to tell me what the girl has already shown me.
BTW, I still think she is an impetuous, foolish child because she doesn't actually confront him about his conversation with a better dressed girl. Ok. No one is intelligent all the time. She is plain. She has self-doubt. She loves Sean and to her he is the handsomest man alive and should have a grand wife. She has scars inside and out. It's all stuff for a romance because I assume that after Sean has nearly strangled the Purser's clerk into submission, he will burst into the girl's new cabin, scare her roommate, grab the girl's shoulders, shake her, say, "O God! I thought you had thrown yourself overboard!", and demand why she got the silly idea in her head to leave him. I don't understand why she would doubt him. He has taken her away from her old life, burdening himself with her care when he is a fugitive from a prison. Somehow they obtained the money to pay for their passage aboard the ship and the papers (real or forged) they need to present to I don't know who and how many people to immigrate to another country. I would be envious and jealous of that better dressed young woman too, but what made her think the only thing to do was to run away and curl up into a ball of misery? Doesn't she know he's not going to "dump" his "wife" for another girl while aboard a ship and create gossip? Or does she know just that, and is punishing him, wanting him to be frantic about her and thus show he loves only her?
- MsBittnerLv 72 months ago
It's fairly awful. But I'm pleased you're writing instead of seeking pre-approval of ideas.
Huge things to know, which you would if you joined any decent writing site instead of asking questions here:
1) Telling the reader what the character looks like by having them look in the mirror is a huge cliche.
2) A character knows where she parts her hair and what she's wearing, and does not notice it like it's some big surprise.
3) Readers don't care what a character wears. What's more important is her overall look, not the details of how it's achieved.
4) It never matters if the reader envisions the character as the author does, so long as they have an adequate general idea.
So how do you tell the reader what your POV character looks like? You give minimal description of no more than two memorable traits, which you can later use to remind the reader who's who, and let other characters react to their appearance rather than describe it. In this case, you could have her be ignored, since she's dressed and groomed to avoid being noticed.
- ?Lv 72 months ago
What do I think?
I think your English continues to be poor and the story improbable.
- 2 months ago
I think it's pretty good!
just a few spelling grammar things but do that later.
I think that maybe she should have a little more confidence in herself. I think the last sentence is my favourite.
'suddenly she forgot how he saved her life more than once, how he wiped her tears and gave her hope when she could only see darkness.'
I like it, umm, oh! and maybe if her is brown, write something like: She looked at the mirror and noticed the long brunette hair straightly parted in the middle, the long braid, her grey shirt and the green cardigan, paired with a plain old boring, average black skirt.
i changed it up a bit
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- Sir CausticLv 72 months ago
Please don't do that again. Thanks.