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Husband doesn't want a career?

Before the pandemic my husband was a therapist just emerging in the field making 55k a year with full benefits. He worked 1:1 with special needs children. Because of the pandemic his company closed and his field is struggling to return. To make some income he decided to work for a cannbis company (we live in CA). He makes 16/hr plus some tip. With the new year starting there are other professional salary opportunities emerging and he is going to school for IT. I figured he would want to try for another salaried field while he finishes school. It turns out he dropped out of school and doesn't want to return to the professional world. He wants to remain a delivery man and see if he has growth opportunity within the company. His boss shared with him that there may be a promotion in a few months to manager for $20 an hour no benefits or retirement plan. I'm upset because we are at the stage in our marriage where we should be trying to settle down, I want kids at least in the next year or two. He refuses to try anything else. I'm making 70k a year with a full benefits plan and I'm a frontline worker. I want stability but he says I'm making him sacrifice his dreams. What do I do? I feel like money isn't that big of a deal but we have to be on some equal footing. 

10 Answers

  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    3 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    Oh, do I feel you, because I have been living something similar, except for my husband it was a midlife crisis type of situation, we have two teenagers, and I’m on year four of this. In my situation, my husband decided he was tired of his 17 year professional career and walked away from it to teach martial arts (at a 33% pay cut). Six months into that, he tore ligaments in his knee teaching a class and had to have surgical repair. During his recovery, he was told his services were no longer needed because they couldn’t afford to pay him. He spent the next nine months unemployed, then took a job requiring absolutely no skill (and paying less than half what he was getting paid at the martial arts studio). He was told how much they liked the work he was doing, that he was in line for promotion, etc. etc.  He has now been working there over two years-no promotion, minimal increases, etc.

    When he decided he wanted to walk away from his professional career, I told him I could carry us (our family) for 12 months while he took a break from the professional world and gave himself a chance to reset mentally. In two months it will be four years since he quit the professional world, and I am exhausted. Mentally and emotionally I am tired of carrying the financial responsibility for our family essentially alone (I am lucky enough to have a career where I can cover our household bills, but if something were to happen to me, he could not with his present job), and despite multiple conversations, he doesn’t seem to “get that”. When he walked away from his profession, I thought that by supporting him I was doing what I should do as his wife and partner, but at some point it crossed the line from supportive to enabling. Because we work in different fields, there was never an expectation that we would earn equivalent salaries, but I didn’t expect him to bring home only a quarter of what he is capable of making. We have a child starting college next year, and another two years behind that, and while we have some money saved for that, due to his hiatus, haven’t been able to put much towards that in the last four years.

    I share all this because it is what your future could be, based on your current situation. You cannot motivate someone else, you cannot make him want what you want for him. You can decide what you are willing to live with and what you are not willing to live with. As you don’t yet have children, I would give very serious thought to if you really want to have children with him. If you do, go into it with eyes wide open that you will likely be the primary breadwinner for the rest of your life. Are you ok with that? Are you ok with only a few months of maternity leave before you have to go back so the bills get paid and the insurance doesn’t lapse? Are you ok with having to do retirement planning for two on one salary and savings (and recognize that may mean you can’t retire when you’d like to, because you can’t afford it)? If you do decide you can accept this, make sure you have a good life insurance policy, because if your husband doesn’t earn enough to pay the bills by himself, if you have children, you need to ensure they are provided for if something should happen to you. I cannot tell you what you should do, and only you can decide if your relationship is worth sticking with or not. I’ve been married for over twenty years and with him for twenty five, and still have hope that he will eventually get past this. But the longer it goes on unchanged, the more that hope dwindles, and eventually I may have to decide I can’t stay married to a partner who doesn’t support me the same way I have supported him.

    Good luck, I truly wish you the best with this, because I know how difficult it is.

  • 3 months ago

    A person that starts out small can always grow within the company. Give it time, sounds like he’s trying to find his passion 

  • 3 months ago

    In a sense he is right by feeling that you make him sacrifice his dreams.

    What I read here and in replies to you, it seems that couples in similar situations have fallen under new way of thinking and now they can't figure out why they suffer from it.

    For a man to have a job for pleasure, he has to earn it first. Let's say, by establishing a good source of passive income and then using spare time for his other projects. 

    Women who  cover all the bills are technically their men's passive incomes, therefore men don't have as much drive to try harder.

    Men have more drive when going to work is like going to war, lol

    In old times all men were raised for war.

    They used to separate boys from mothers at the age of 7 to spend more time with fathers, boys and other men.

    They practiced all kinds of physical training and life skills necessary for future and war.

    And if there wasn't a war around, then they continue war training every single day or so to be ready, prepared to fight, protect their women and children any time! 

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    Husband is stupid because licensed therapists with the skills to work with children are in high demand in California. Every single school district here is desperate for people to counsel kids through the chaos of distance learning. Your guy picked a superbly weird time to decide his education isn't useful. 

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  • rick
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    If one of you has benefits and a stable income, the other should be free to try for something less stable, in a possibly booming new industry.

  • Anonymous
    3 months ago

    Do you mean cannabis?  I don't know what cannbis is.

    My husband has a masters degree in accounting.  He HATED have a desk job, hated it.  I find a therapist making $55,000/annually to be very poorly paid.

    I am a professional with my own office.  We decided (and we have a child) that neither one of us wanted him to drag himself to work every day AND SO he quit his job.  He formed a company which subcontracts in the construction industry and is much, much happier.  For us it was a good decision.

    For someone who doesn't feel like money isn't "that big of a deal," you seem to be very concerned about money.

  • Anonymous
    3 months ago

    good for you ,,,, making that kind of money

    how does your butt look? 

    why did you marry such a man?

    if you have the looks and charm and good money

    find a new man

    me ? I do not care how great your butt looks... I do not want to be married to a nag who is all about money and status

    I just retired at age 62 while I started work at age 12  after 4 months my wife gripes I  need income again 

    she makes more than you and I still lust after her even with the extra 80 LBS 

    but the putting me down is chasing me away 

    men have many choice in women after age 45 .. you should reevaluate your expectations and wants -- or find a new man to drive into the ground mentally 

    Stability define that? 

    I will tell you this , there is zero stability in stress based life and sounds like he is escaping that 

    I see this as me 35 years ago and wish I did not work as hard as I did to please other people 

    dump him -- this will be doing someone a favor -- you decide who 

  • you don't want to be with a man that makes less money than you. your "love" for him is conditional. best to cut your losses by divorcing him and move forward with your life. 

  • T J
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    He wants to be a slacker, and let you pay the way. Time to get the divorce.

  • lala
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    You are living for beautiful things [ house clothes jewelry and fancy clothes ] but your husband doesnt have this need 

    So respect his choice or find a millionaire and go shack with him 

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