Letting go of anger ?
My ex partner and I were together 8 years and we’re very happy and about to be married, I found out he cheated and he suddenly turned on me and was utterly vile and humiliated me to the extreme, totally unforgivable and I left him. It was such an utter shock how he treated me, he left with every penny I had and I moved back home with family. Fast forward 18 months I am in a new relationship and have rebuilt my life from the ground up, I’ve got my old body back, bought a house and have a lovely kind new partner. I have zero love for my ex partner but I am still close to certain family members of his and we have mutual friends, I have no contact with him whatsoever, I am however filled with a hate for him like not other, utterly consuming hatred like I can’t explain, he is on new girlfriend number 3 since myself and I can’t stop looking at their new photo on Facebook where he has been labelled a “keeper” and it makes me feel sick as he’s really not!. I feel like this hatred is stopping me moving forwards and progressing with my new partner, what do I do and how do I get over the hate?
- Mike ALv 62 months agoFavorite Answer
You're bitter. It stands to reason why. You were lied to for a long time. I speak from experience, that people like your now ex aren't people who just change one day. They are fakers. They are the adult versions of those kids we all knew in school, who told dumb lies to everyone and got caught. Sometimes when they got caught, they got humiliated into not lying anymore. But sometimes, like in the case of your ex, they just get better at lying.
People like this have gained and lost more friends than you could probably count. Each time they get a new "best friend", they know it's a temporary thing, so they just enjoy it while it lasts. They have reconciled with the fact that they're awful people, so they know the only way they can get close to people, is to lie and fake being likable. They make friends with people they think are gulible enough to fall for their charms and they get better every time.
So, eventually these kind of people get so good at lying that they decide to try and get into relationships. They ultimately would like to be set for life, but they know at some point, they're going to gamble and loose. At some points though, they do try to press their luck. They'll spy on you. Figure out what you want them to do to make things better and they'll just do those things to shut you up.
What this all boils down to, is that I suspect that this anger that you have for him is rightfully earned. What I highly recommend you do is look into some psychology vloggers on youtube that teach about narcissists. I would suggest looking at videos from multiple people, and finding the ones that explain things in a way you can relate to.
In the long run, the most difficult thing may just be forgiving yourself for falling for all the lies he told you. It's hard. You may just be left feeling like you should have been smarter. You should have caught on. But don't go too far in that line of thinking. He was and still is an expert liar. He is going and charming other women that he knows he can dupe. It's a sick, sad, sorry way of life. You might be tempted to take revenge on him, but that won't make you feel better.
I can tell you that the biggest challenge I faced was forgiving myself for falling for all the lies. But I eventually had to admit that my ex was just a better liar than I was prepared to spot. Someone who outsmarted me. It was not my fault for trusting my ex. It was my ex's fault for taking advantage of my trust.
And that's the best advice I can give
- 2 months ago
You were loyal to a person for 8 years and he betrayed you. I don’t think any rational human being would not be bitter about this.
It may take time to fully get over what he put you through but you’re completely capable. The most important thing is to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Constantly looking at his social media can turn into an unhealthy habit and cause issues in your current relationship. I know it’s hard and nearly impossible to forget him all together but you should not get on his social media because it will only make matters worse. Restraint will make you a stronger person.
Embrace that you’re life is different and that you have an opportunity to meet someone better and who is healthier for you.
- 2 months ago
I know the feeling.. the best way to make this anger go away is to block hun on all social media and if you have to, distance yourself from his family.
The more you’re reminded of him, the more you’re feeling sorry for yourself because of what he put you through. It’s understandable, but unnecessary. You should be enjoying your life now, not dwelling on the pain - it’s in the past and it surely made you stronger
First of all I'm so sorry for what you've been through, I know for my own experience that being cheated on by someone you loved and trusted the most is devastating.
18 months is a long time but this type of things doesn't really heal in a particular time frame. It took me years to fully open myself and stop feeling deep hate towards my ex, for example.
What helped me a lot though, was never being in contact w him nor checking anything of his social media.
I think it's really hurtful for you to keep informed of his life. How many gfs he has had or not is none of your business anymore, so please block him and delete him everywhere and control the urge to check his facebook or whatever thing he uses.
If someone calls him a keeper or a godsend, well I hope that woman actually gets a better experience, because being cheated on is horrible but at least you found the type of person whom he really is and he can't hurt you anymore.
Give it time, mourn it, cry it out, talk it out (a trusted friend or even a therapist) and let time do its job.
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- 2 months ago
Not letting go is the poison that will kill you.
If you want to poison yourself with anger you might as well be back in your relationship.
- 2 months ago
I can resonate a little bit as I had someone who did me wrong and I initially couldn't stop thinking about them. My advice would be, anytime you start thinking about him, or go to check his page - keep reminding yourself that he's probably not thinking about you. - I obviously don't know if he is or isn't, but what's the point in wasting all this time, when he may not even be giving a second thought as to what you're doing.
Another idea is to block him so that you can't keep going back there. And be glad that you don't have children with him.
- AnonymousLv 62 months ago
Most men are selfish, they don't care about women more than they care about themselves, stay away from them in your personal life if you want any happiness.
You're right , that your unresolved hatred is keeping the fire stoked . You need to learn how to let go of him...entirely. For starters, stop checking him out on facebook. You should have no contact, no snooping, no nothing concerning him. If you still find you have unresolved anger that won't dissipate, that keeps you upset, find a good therapist and work through it with some help. Otherwise, it will only continue to haunt and drag you down. Do it for yourself, not for him. Good wishes,
- SlumlordLv 72 months ago
First off I'd stop checking up on him in any way, and probably even cut off all contact with his family. Then just keep yourself busy and try not to think about it. He's still a jerk, and eventually the next girl will probably figure it out too, but that's not your problem or concern. Worry about your own life and forget about him, and you start to do this by stopping checking up on him.