Nancy
Lv 7
Nancy asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 2 months ago

Should we tell our 15-year-old son or not?

So I got pregnant in January of my senior of college by a guy at a party I kinda knew but never told. See, literally the next day, my now husband asked me out. I hadn't even found out I was pregnant yet. It was a whirlwind, love-at-first-sight kind of thing and he was religious (no sex). When I did find out at 3 mos, knew it wasn't his, and tearfully told him, he didn't dump me but proposed right then, already had my ring. I said yes. We graduated, got married, moved away. I never saw the guy again.

We were going to always tell our son, but when he was 2, after trying for a year, we found out my husband can't have kids, low motility. It wrecked him. We, him especially, wanted a big family. I said we were already so blessed to be a family, him a dad. That's when not telling our son quietly started.

Now he's 15. He's ALWAYS hated being an only child, ALWAYS wanted siblings like his cousins have. Last month, I happened to see the guy on the FB of an old friend. I knew him right off. So I went to his FB. He seems great—married, 2 boys, 3 girls. Our son has a brother a year younger than him!

So I talked with my husband. He's super afraid our son'll never see him the same and of him having this other dad. I get that. I do. But not telling him feels like we're wronging him. And it was one thing when the guy was this vague, long-lost, all-but-forgotten face, but now he's not. Now he's real with real kids, our son's real brothers and sisters. Now it feels like it was ALWAYS wrong.

Update:

By the way, the guy lives in the same city we do, right in Grand Rapids literally 10 minutes away.

Update 2:

@Anon-- I think we actually might be in the same school district as them, but we send our son to Grand Rapids Christian, a private school. It's a massive private school with thousands of kids though, so I checked my son's year book right after I found out he had a brother a year younger than him. He doesn't go there.

Update 3:

@Torchbug-- Wow. I've been so wrapped up in how this'll affect us, I didn't really think about how this revelation might affect that guy and his family, disrupt their lives. That guy did nothing wrong, so I just kind of assumed he'd of course be happy. So maybe before we ever fully decide to tell our son, I should contact the guy, because if he's dead set against meeting our son or having anything to do with him, then telling our son will only be a giant wrecking ball, no good coming of it.

5 Answers

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  • 2 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think the thing to do is to speak to a counselor or family therapist who specializes in dealing with these sorts of issues, find out the best way to tell your son and to help him deal, and the best way to approach that other family, whose lives you are about to disrupt. Rather than asking random online strangers who have limited experience in these matters. This is really serious stuff. 

  • Audrey
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    That is a tough question. In my personal opinion, I probably wouldn't tell him. It will change how he sees you and your husband.

  • 2 months ago

    Are you afraid your son will see your husband in a different light OR are you worried about your own image here? I get the sense its the latter, but you just don't have the stones to own up to it.

    I empathisze with you here to a point- You wanted to protect your son from all this trauma and BS when you were younger, I totally get why you would want to choose that road to go down. I have nieces and nephews (all 6 and under) and I have always tried to shield them from the fact that their grandfather was a violent son of a *****, I do that to protect them from that.

    Your son is now old enough to know more adult-esque things, and he is fully capable of making his own choices in life, there's no real point to continue keeping this from him IMO. I think you should tell him that his biological dad is someone else, and that he is alive and has a family of his now! After that, its your sons' call on how HE chooses to handle things, and then I think you really need to back off and give him the time and space to figure things out.

    If your worried about him seeing his father in a different light, I doubt it! The guy who raised him for 15 years IS his real father wheras the guy who knocked you up is basically nothing more than a sperm donor. Will your son choose to seek out his bio-parent? Its a strong possibility that he does, and if so, it takes nothing away from your husband, who has no reason to feel threatned by the other guy.

    As for you? You put yourself up shits creek here, you're going to have to brace yourself for the fact that your son will most likley lose all trust in you, be sickened by the thought of you for awhile and will resent you. You're going to have an uphill battle to fix things with him, but I think its doable if YOU choose to put the effort in.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    You should tell him but have the conversation using a thick British accent or a  childish cartoon voice.  I've always found this is a way to break the tension when delivering a difficult message.

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  • ?
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You could adopt. 

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