Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 2 months ago

My husband wants a 4th child so badly but I really don’t and it’s causing issues in our marriage help! ?

My husband and I have 3 children. Our oldest is 10 our youngest is 4. We always agreed we wanted 3 children and even after the birth of my youngest daughter my husband talked about a vasectomy. I just turned 38 last week and my husband wants a 4th child so badly. He’s been putting a tremendous amount of pressure on me for a 4th child. I REALLY don’t want a 4th child at 38 years old 3 is exhausting enough and getting pregnant now is to me, not a good idea. My husband has a lot of resentment towards me and it’s been causing a ton of issues in our marriage. I spoke with my older sister about the issues I’m facing and she told me a marriage is all about sacrifice. I’m not sure what to do. I sometimes worry if I don’t agree to having a 4th child he might divorce me. Does anyone have any advice? I am really happy with the 3 children we have and feel both financially and emotionally it’s all I can handle at this point in my life at almost 40. Any advice? Thanks! 

10 Answers

  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    2 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    Wow, what a difficult situation. For starters, I don’t agree with your sister at all. Marriage should not be all about sacrifice. It should be about compromise, but children should not be a compromise or a sacrifice. I would think you would have just as much right to feel resentful toward your husband for him changing his mind on this very big issue and putting all this pressure on you to get his way. Why is he so insistent about wanting a fourth child? Do you have all girls and he REALLY wants a boy? Is he your same age or a little older and feels some need to prove that he is still a virile man? 

    Personally, if I knew that I felt my family was complete and did not want another child, I wouldn’t have one. If that meant the end of my marriage, I would accept that, because the alternative of being coerced into having a child I really don’t want is so unfair to that child. Plus, you will always resent your husband for “making” you have a fourth child you don’t want, that will ultimately eat away at your marriage anyway.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    Advice..  Don’t ask a bunch of strangers about such an intimate subject that only you and your husband should be deciding. You’re just gonna get confused and it’ll further break the bond with your husband. 

    Communicate with him. Get professional help to communicate if need be. Asking a bunch of people that can’t relate only hurts the situation. 

  • ?
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Yes: stick to your guns !  You are making the wisest choice in terms of your health, risks to the proposed child when the mother is older, your limited energies, not to mention the financial costs of raising yet another one. 

    I wonder just why another child might be of such importance to your husband.

    If he isn't busy enough raising the three you already have, perhaps he ought to volunteer as a big brother, support a foster child in a developing country, or....join a club that does good works on behalf of needy children,e.g., the Lions,Elks,Kiwanis, etc.

    I suspect he is having issues with his "male identity" as he enters into middle age. If so, this is a matter to take up with a counselor, not a fertility doctor.

    If he would really divorce you for refusing to have yet another child,(would he???), then this isn't a marriage worth saving.

    Too bad he and you aren't both Muslims, living in a third world country, where he could take on 4 wives and have a slew of children to support, by each of them.

    As I said, STICK TO YOUR GUNS ! Good wishes,  

  • T J
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    Get on the pill and do not let him know.

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  • 2 months ago

    "a marriage is all about sacrifice"

    This is true, ON BOTH SIDES though.

    Why is he SO fixated on having a 4th? 

    Your youngest is approaching school age, when you can have a few hours to yourself and catch up on chores etc

    Is he insecure about you having time without a child?  Is he willing to employ help around the home if you decide to go ahead and have another child? Is he willing to take the risks associated with having a baby at this stage?

    I would want to know the REAL reason he wants this, and I suspect he will never be honest and tell you why

  • 2 months ago

    Hi let me ask a question, do you have all girls? If so it is possible if that is the case that he may want a son, because the bonds of a father to a son would be different from the bonds of a father and a daughter. If that's not the case we have a beautiful article that can possibly help you guys to make a practical decision. Its entitled "When Viewpoints Differ"

    I hope this helps

  • 2 months ago

    What is wrong with guys who want kids, or more kids, these kids are nothing but trouble when they become teenagers and young adults.

  • 2 months ago

    Im going to be honest, It seems like your husbands mind is made up. He wants a 4th child and thats it. It basically comes down to 2 options. You have a 4th child, make your husband happy, the marriage continues, or DIVORCE and you watch him have his 4th child WITH ANOTHER WOMEN. 

    Seek counseling, i think that will help

  • 2 months ago

    If your husband won't accept your decision and yet you think this marriage is worth saving, attend couples counseling. Otherwise, start getting ready for a possible divorce, keeping this in mind: Any man who would divorce his wife because she didn't want to have a FOURTH CHILD has no business being in any marriage at all. You'd be better off without him, and so would your children. If he remains obstinate about this, consult an attorney asap.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    If you don't want another child, don't have another child.  That's as clear cut as things get.


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