Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 2 months ago

How do I stay firm and stay out of confusion when I am trying to separate from my husband? ?

I am trying to separate from my hubby, more I am talking about separation he is putting more efforts in the relationship! His actions making me feel like  I am hurting him and that’s very disturbing! 

I feel like I have waited a lot for him to show me love and I am tired now and feels like I don’t love him anymore so separating is a good option but he is trying harder to be in relationship!  

I am confused, I feel like a bad person! I don’t want to hurt him at the same time I can’t tolerate me getting hurt (emotionally) every time. 

In this situation it’s very difficult for me to take firm decisions! 

Anyone has any suggestions about situations? How do I approach my concerns and make decisions? 

Kids are involved so don’t want to feel like I am being selfish to address my emotion need and hurting people around me! 

How should I look at this situation so it’s easy for me to right decision? 

Update:

Thank you Ana, I read you gave all reasons for me to be in the marriage and you showed concerns for everyone involved in the marriage except me! You did not feel the need to address my emotional suffering? Why do you think any person will destroy happy marriage? Would appreciate your input if you can help to understand how to be happy in the marriage which makes you feel depressed every day? Would love to be married with same person but but don’t want to lose my peace! 

2 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    i think maybe he cheated u. or u waiting or something. Maybe u also find other guy, if u deserve him . i think thats better.

  • Ana
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    EDIT, TO YOUR QUESTION: that is a great question. The truthful answer, is that your husband cannot control *your* EMOTIONS or FEELINGS. He can only control *his* OWN ACTIONS. 

    For example, your husband could physically and verbally do everything to be a perfect husband. (Hypothetically)

    But if you (Hypothetically) get it into your mind that he is an evil creepy rapist secretly, that he’s secretly a bad person, that he makes you feel bad deep down, and that you desperately want to claw and get away from him…

    ... Then even though he’s actually being a perfect guy, there’s nothing he can do, because he can’t control your thoughts and feelings, especially if those thoughts and feelings are irrational, or aren’t based on facts. 

    So what I recommend, is that you tell your husband specific things that you want him to improve on. Does he not complement you enough? Does he not have sex with you enough? Does he not buy you gifts enough? Tell him what you want him to do more of. And tell him what you want him to do less of. And then, once he starts doing the improvements, it’s up to you for you to change your opinion of him, start viewing him more favorably, and start feeling good about him. At the end of the day, your husband cannot change your feelings and emotions. Only you can do that 

    ====

    Maybe this is a sign from God and/or your conscience that since he is putting more effort in the marriage, maybe you should too. Maybe you really should try to make it work, instead of being stubborn. Destroying a marriage is never something that you should be proud of, or think is cool, or think is “good for you”... because it’s never good for you, it’s never good for society, it’s always a last resort that breaks up families and it destroys your chance of happiness and self-esteem. 

    Not to mention that it absolutely WILL harm the kids if you guys get divorced. Kids that grow up in divorced households are more likely to commit suicide, more likely to be depressed, more likely to be financially disadvantaged as adults, more likely to drop out of school or college, more likely to commit felonies or serious crimes, more likely to commit minor crimes, more likely to be jobless, more likely to shoot them selves, more likely to do drugs, and the list goes on. There’s no “way to look at this” that will make it seem like a better thing, unless you’re flat out lying to yourself. 

    And it’s not “disturbing” that he’s making you feel like you’re hurting him… Because you ARE hurting him. And if he was randomly trying to leave you, you would also feel hurt. Would you rather he lie to you? Hide his feelings from you? Him feeling hurt in this situation is natural. 

    And you’re viewing it negatively for no reason... he’s not “trying to stop you from breaking up” (which is a negative connotation), no, what he’s doing is trying to show you that he loves you and still cares and wants to make it work so that hopefully you choose to reconsider (positive connotation). I think at this point, you would be crazy to not give the relationship a second chance. The guy is clearly trying, he clearly loves you and he clearly wants to make it work. Don’t you have a heart? 

    At the end of the day, people are going to do what they’re going to do, so IF you’ve already found another man, and IF this is just your excuse to leave, then go do what you’re gonna do. But spare us the theatrics of pretending like you’re somehow a victim here. And on the other hand, if you haven’t found another man and arent just fishing for reasons to leave, then I think you’d be irrational and crazy quite frankly, to not give the relationship another chance. And if you did find somebody else, keep in mind that the grass is not always greener on the other side, and if the guy is much more attractive than your husband, that also means he’s that much more likely to just be using you for sex and not to really be romantically & financially interested long term. Players like that can and will leave you at any time. So be careful, and choose wisely 

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