Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Society & CultureCultures & GroupsSenior Citizens · 2 months ago

How to I get my mom to accept a home care agency?

First of all, I am NOT a caregiver.  I have no training, no experience and am completely clueless as to what I am doing.  I came to see my mom back in March and she had completely forgotten how to cook so she really wasn't eating now lately she has had trouble walking and can't be left alone at all.  I've been having a hard time getting her to accept help from a home care agency.  I don't really know how to deal with them because my mom has mild dementia, wasn't feeling well, had a fall then she didn't want anyone in her home.  The lady who manages the homecare agency told me she had someone lined up to come over and they weren't in business to play games.  

The agency needs to come in to help give her the care that she needs, but she refuses to accept them and she has ordered me not to let them in.  One lady who was here told her it was either this or the nursing home and she screamed "Get out of my house!" "I'm not going to no nursing home and you can't make me!"

I tried to see if I could just get them for 2 days a week to get started but they are just blowing me off, they won't answer or return my phone calls and no answer to my emails.   I've since called every agency listed in the book and none of them have anyone available to come here.  

I don't know how to give her a bath or any of those things caregivers do, so I can't have them just bail on me.  

Update:

Yes, I've been staying with her and helping her, but I'm in no way shape or form a caregiver.  I need someone ASAP because I can't work since I can't leave her alone.  I need to get her help so I can get on with my life, but she just won't accept it.  

Update 2:

@A Hunch, you need to find a busy highway to play on.  No, there is nobody else, I've been told I'm obligated to stay here until I figure out how to force her into a nursing home or she dies.  I was hoping home care would solve my problems but they are a big joke.

8 Answers

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  • 2 months ago

    Same way that she potty-trained you - a step at a time. 

    (Can't blame her for not wanting to go to a nursing home - I know I won't want that - Neither will you.)  

    Bring her a nice gift (chocolates?) and sit down with her to talk with no distractions, no TV. 

    Level with her, "Mom, I love you and I'm here for you. It's TIME for you to have some professional help - you cannot be alone and I simply can't do it anymore." 

    Let her talk. She may talk herself into it. 

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    I know exactly how you feel.  My mother has always said that she would not wish to go into a care home.  She is almost 100. One brother aged 70 lives 2 miles away from her but is very ill himself.  The other lives about an hours drive away and is too old and frail (almost 80) so cannot help physically but visits once a week.  I am 76 and live 300 miles away from her, I don't drive and it takes me 9 hours by public transport to get to her home from mine.  I'm the only daughter so everyone says that I should be doing more for her.   My kids and grandkids live near to me (a long way from her).  I have had a stage 4 cancer, a stroke and have a serious heart condition yet I am the one that is criticised for doing less for her than the others do (because I'm female and ("mothers expect their daughters to care for them").  Why can others not see that there is no more that I can do other than make a very occasional and very wearying journey.  As far as I can see, a care home IS the ONLY answer.

  • 2 months ago

    Have two different doctors formally test her for Dementia.  Once that she's potively diagnosed for it by them, you can go to court and ask to become your Mom's legal guardian.  After that, you can make care decisions that are in her best interest, whether she agrees to them, or not.  This is tough love.  

  • 2 months ago

    Just hire home care now and then to help YOU, not her. Solved.

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  • 2 months ago

    She cared for you when you were helpless as a baby and child, now unless you can get her into a home, at great expense, you are the caregiver, just get some humanity. By the way, you cannot force her to do anything.

  • 2 months ago

    Have you tried putting an ad in one of the internet want ads? Any thing in your area that used to go into the newspaper want ads should be something like that that you can put from your computer onto the internet. I know for me a news paper that was delivered to me that I could read was much better than anything i can get on the internet that i cannot even trust to put my ******* phone number in. But it is what it is. I can tell you this much answers ...here in yahoo , IS NOT THE PLACE ok? This is called ******* entertainment believe it or not, thank ******* *** that they don't think this is real ******* help.  Life is not easy like it used to be. You have to go through a bunch of useless steps with useless people to get to the place where before all you did was make one phone call and it was taken care of. Todays people have so little to do they have made every little chore into a whole humongous job so that it appears as if it is real work. Sorry you have to go through this and that your mother is having to live a subhuman bad quality of life because so many people think all the have to do is actually nothing to call it a days work. And then complain about you being a tough customer when all you want is some f*****g help with your mom. Life is not easy and straightforward like it used to be.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    Wrong category.  What does this have to do with small business?

  • 2 months ago

    Why would you hire an agency with staff that says "told her it was either this or the nursing home"?????????????

    IT IS NOT THE AGENCY STAFF THAT GET TO DECIDE YOUR MOTHER'S LIVING ARRANGEMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

    If you thought this was ok, you shouldn't be taking care of her either.

    Is there another sibling or family member that has some common sense and is able to make appropriate decisions for your mother?

    In response to the comments:

    Whoever told you, that you have to stay with your mom is not telling you the truth.  We are not obligated to care for our parents. 

    - If you are the only one and don't want to do it, get a court appointed conservator for her. 

    - Get her into a nursing home?  Find a nursing home that will take her.  Call an ambulance.  Have them come pick her up and take her there.  Yes, I could say this nicer it but it would still mean the same thing.

    - But having a caretaker who bullies someone is not who I would want to care for my loved one.

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