Need advice on how to gain back her friendship...?
Some months ago my childhood best friend cut her wrist and ended up in hospital. When I found out I went straight there (it was before the pandemic) and was so shocked I behaved impulsively and rushed to her room without the permission of the nurses and found her on the bed, I remember asking her 'why?' and cried, she just turned her body to the other side and told me to go away, calling me 'beast'. We almost argued cause I wanted to turn her to talk to me but nurses came and I was expelled and apparently she told them later not to let me in anymore cause every attempt at visiting her was vain. When she was dismissed I went to her house and her mom opened the door and told me she didn't want to talk to me for the moment and she basically told me to wait for when she'll get better and we can clear things up. She also revealed that she did it because of me (that day she had a bad day at school due to classmates and teachers, after several of such days, and when she got out of school she saw me talking with a girl - I had a crush on her - she went home and cut her wrists with a razor). I was so shocked and couldn't eat for days, then after so many months, ignored messages, I casually see her at the park while I was jogging, I was so happy to see her but she had this blank, annoyed face when she saw me and turned her face not to look at me. I asked her how she was doing and she said 'fine', asked her about school and everything and she said again, good, and made an excuse to go.
I told her when you have time we can meet up again like in the old times and she said, yes of course, and went away. Of course she was being ironic but it just hurts me so much, it's the worst punishment what she is doing with me. She is blaming me for her bullying, she grew up with me was like a sister, my mom was the one who took her in as a daughter, we did homework together, I was her older brother, her best friend.
I just don't get it, I didn't even know what was happening to her and suddenly I was blamed for it. With her behavior she is hurting me so much, since then I'm having nightmares about her, I need so bad to talk to her and her ignoring me is making me just worse.
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