Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

Should I tell my father-in-law my opinion about part of his funeral arrangements for his wife?

My wife’s  mother recently passed away after a long illness. My wife’s family is working on the funeral arrangements.  My father-in-law and his late wife are/were in their 80’s. He’s been very good about planning her funeral. Cremation will be involved. He purchased two burial plots. But he is doing one thing that I think might ultimately hurt his family. He wants to delay burial of his wife’s ashes in the plot until he is able to travel 3,000 miles across the country to retrieve his parents’ ashes and bring them back in order to put his parents and his wife in the plots at the same time. He is a fine man and great father to his now adult children. He does, however, have a tendency to procrastinate and put things off a lot longer than he should. Couple this tendency with COVID-19 and traveling and her burial could be pushed off indefinitely. This is not right. Both of my parents are dead and are buried very close to where we live. I take great comfort in the fact that they are nearby and I often visit their grave. It helps me. My wife’s family deserves this too after all they have been through and I really want them to be able to do that right now. But if my father-in-law tried to carry out his plan, his family won’t have that. My wife wants me to say nothing to him but I can see it hurts her. Should I say something to her father? I was thinking of doing it casually because he and I have a good relationship and I think I could reason with him.

13 Answers

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago
    Favorite Answer

    I sympathize with your situation since I've kind-o been their.

    But as an in-law your kind of on the outside looking in & at times like funerary disposition your just a spectator regardless.

    I personally agree that a funeral & burial should be for the individual who's life is being celebrated with respectful conclusion & that additional details like  who gets moved to rest with who are a separate matter that should be done at different times.

    But if your Father in-law makes that mistake & upsets the family in the process all you can safely do is not choose sides & your only comments should just be limited to "I agree" when family has something to say & just leave it at that & whatever you do just let the grieving Father in-law handle his own devices .

    And if he happens to speak to you of it in terms of WTF is up with the family your only response should be limited to something like, , "It's unfortunate that there's a confliction of feelings at such a time" and Clam up & Don't elaborate or get the least bit involved. 

    The mourning & associated ill feelings will pas to what passes for normal in a few months & like the preverbal elephant in the room be over looked as apposed to opening a can of worms so close to home & at least your safely out of it if someone happens to throw something in the fan.

    Good luck & just focus on doing what an  in-law is supposed to do & nothing one is isn't  & everybody else will work it out on their own terms. 


  • 4 weeks ago

    I think you should probably mind your own business.

  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    No, this is his decision where she is buried.  This may also be what she wanted, even if she never expressed it to your wife.  I tell my husband things that I don't tell my kids or anyone else.

    My dad died 16 years ago today.  He is buried in my hometown, which is several hours from where I live today.  My dad died young, I was in my 20's when he died and he was in his late 50's.  When he first died I basically went to his grave everyday as time went on I went once a month or so, then it went down to things like fathers day or his birthday, and Christmas for his grave blanket because the grief got easier for me.  I still talk about him, I still think about him everyday and I don't need to be at his grave to do that or remember him.

    During his funeral planning, a couple of his siblings put in their 2 unsolicited cents about where he was being buried with my mom which actually just contributed to stress and grief that was already there, despite my dad dying young, my parents were actually married for 40 years when he died.  If anyone needs to talk to your FIL it needs to be your wife.  My mom didn't care what my dad's siblings thought (and she gets along great with them), she cared what my brothers and I did.  In the end, she buried him where she chose if they didn't like it that was their problem.  

  • 4 weeks ago

    I think your FIL's biggest problem is his interfering, pompous SIL who takes himself WAAAAY too seriously.

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  • 1 month ago

    You should not say anything because it's your FIL's decision and your wife has explicitely asked you not to say anything.

    So stay quiet.

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    thats up to you

  • T J
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Has anyone told you to MYOB

  • 1 month ago

    Say nothing. Death is one if those things that we rarely deal with, so it's always a little messy. He is grieving. In time, he will do the right thing. 

  • JJ
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    No, let him deal with it.

  • 1 month ago

    I would not say anything to him. 

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