Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

Mother uses death to guilt trip me. How do I handle this?

Whenever my mom and I get into an argument, she always says “The Bible says I only have 5 years left to live and then you won’t have to deal with me.” Apparently, somewhere in the Bible it says that you only live to 70? I don’t know how true that is. I just turned 22 and it’s very stressful and annoying how my mom keeps telling me that she’s going to die in 5 years and that no one will love me the way that she loves me. I don’t know how to deal with this. 

Update:

I’m still in college (paying tuition by myself). I don’t have the option to move out. I live in a very expensive area, where the average cost of a 1 bedroom apartment is $1,800 a month. 

21 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Tell her that Methuselah lived until 969 years old?

    No, in all seriousness. Try to distance yourself from what she's saying. In one ear, out the other, and then get on with your life as best you can until you are able to move out.

    If you have to give some kind of response, you can maybe say, "I know no one will ever love me the way you love me, and I am sorry to hear that you believe you have just 5 years left." Neither would be a lie, because hopefully nobody else will love you in the same stressful and guilt-tripping way that she loves you.

  • 1 month ago

    Your mom has issues, with the primary one believing what a book of fairy tales says

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Sounds scary. She's trying to keep whatever control she has over you, on you always. It may just be her fear of you growing up and her losing you, so she guilt trips you that she's getting older and is gonna die. Try to talk to her about it and how it makes u feel when she says that. Suggest a different more positive approach?

  • 1 month ago

    43 when she had you?

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  • 1 month ago

    What is she using this approach for? I mean, is she trying to control your life or just wants some special attention? It's a silly behavior from her. Being young, it seems more upsetting to you than it should be. You could reverse the focus of conversation on yourself. Tell her how her behavior makes you feel and what it does to you. Ask her if that is how she wants you to remember her, her emotional manipulations to be the last memory of her? If that does not change her, remember that you should not allow yourself to feel obligated to satisfy her every need or wish just because she is old. We all get old and die. While you should have respect for her and take her into consideration when appropriate, you also have the right to live your life as you please because your life belongs to you and not her.

    However, not knowing if this is about her wanting you to take garbage out or her demanding that you spend every evening with her, it's hard to assess the severity of her guilt-tripping, although it is wrong she is doing this to you. If it is severe then it means she has unhealthy attachment to you and abuses her role as a parent. You could get counseling at your college. When you go there ask for an appointment with a counselor and say that you have family issue that interferes with your ability to focus on schoolwork. You do not have to tell the whole story to the first person there because that one only schedules appointments. Then when you see counselor go into details. They should help you find ways to deal with her even if you might not be able to change her. Good luck.

    EDIT: Some older parents become melancholic and needy because they are lonely, have narrow interests and live passive lives. With too much time on their hands they spend all that time ruminating about all the things they are unhappy about, without doing anything to change that by themselves, and only waiting on their final hour. I do not want you to think it is your duty to entertain your mom or to fulfill her days with joy and pleasant activities, but you could try to think about what would help her refocus from her negativity into doing something positive and productive with her time. Would she enjoy volunteering at a church or library, attend a book club meetings, nurture plants or grow a garden? She needs to get out her head, get involved with other people and activities that would make her feel alive and appreciated. Most people do this by developing interests in hobbies or learning new things, doing arts and crafts, attending social and culture events, joining clubs that offer a chance to have fun time with other people. You know her best, so you could come with ideas what might interest her, but be prepared that her initial reaction will be stubborn refusal. Consider if there are other people in her life that you could rely on in making such suggestions to her with more ease and acceptance? Maybe her priest? Are there any relatives, friends, neighbors, acquaintances that she will more readily listen to? If not, is there a way to give her some "tasks" as a way to occupy her and that would at the same time be helpful to you. Hey mom, do not die yet, I need you to make me a sandwich and coffee to go so I can study in the library! Anytime she brings dying up, tell her she cannot die before she does this and that. Honestly, being at college gives you an opportunity to distance yourself from her, since you can not only take classes in person but also study and eat and socialize there as well. Still, it would be helpful to make her feel as she has some place in your life. Tell her how mentally demanding your college obligations are, talk to her about your classes, what are you learning about, what kind of teachers and classmates you have. When there's an event at campus such as a music/theater performance, an exhibit, a talk/presentation, consider if it might interest her and suggest going together. You could do this once or twice a semester, and she'll be much happier. Look into non-credit, community programs/classes, either at college or other places that offer those in your vicinity, and give her a catalog with a suggestion to scan trough it for something that would interest her. Who knows, she might find something new to focus on.

  • Ann
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    When she does that, start talking to her about the necessity of her making out a will and start planning for her funeral--maybe even getting a prepaid funeral plan.  Offer to go to the funeral home with her.  When people are faced with the reality of death, they will quit talking about it in an off-hand way. You can also offer to start looking at nursing homes with her, because you will not be the one taking care of her when she is dying.  I would be surprised if she doesn't perk up and start talking about living again.  It's kind of a mean way to shut the conversation down, but when she starts that, you start your little conversation as well--every time.  It worked when my mother-in-law did that.  She quit pulling the guilt trip on us.

  • 1 month ago

    My mum does the same sh!t, so I play her game by saying things like “I’m a smoker, it’s more likely I’ll die before you”. Just talking about my death shuts her up 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    That Bible quote is not supposed to be taken literally it is just an approximation to illustrate that life on earth is such a short event, even in the oldest of the inhabitants, in a relative sense of things compared against the eternity that comes outside of that mortal life. If your mom's teachings are unsound or unscriptural then you have a point in following the straight path rather than her. This is the only scenario in which it is ok to disobey or not honor your parents as you are supposed to. After all it is the epitome of ingratitude and disrespect to dishonor them for bringing you into the world and caring for you when you were incapable of looking after yourself. Sadly many adults these days also seem incapable of looking after themselves as they have rebelled against both God and common sense. Many people talk a great game but, in reality, they are as helpless as a newborn in spiritual terms and some of them show it by throwing tantrums when they are confronted about their behavior.

    It would appear that she doesn't want to be left to die on her own. Hands up all those that do ....... ?

    You will have to try to find the right balance between deserting her completely and leading your own life which, of course, you should. I am not suggesting you should be a slave to your mom's insecurity but there has to be a halfway house somewhere there.

    All the best have a great day :)

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    You are the same age as one of my children, and I hate that you and your mother are having issues in getting along. This should be a time when you are enjoying the time that you spend together at your age. I wanted to share an article that may be helpful for you. Its called How to get along with my parents, and offers some real good advice that you may find helpful in dealing with things like this issue that you and your mom have.  Hope this helps :o)

    https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=5020151...

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    i wouldnt worry about it, its not even true

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