Why am I the family scapegoat?
I've always been the good obedient child - Always listened to parents, helped around the house, and talked respectfully.
My elder sis was/is a bully to me, mistreats/yells at my mom, lies, triggered mom's suicide attempt, yelled at her when she was crying. She lied about my husband pushing her. Bro and I saw it didn't happen but bro won't speak up. Im NC with my sister.
I don't really care how my siblings act towards me. What hurts is my parents behavior. Unfortunately, I live with my parents due to financial reasons. My sister doesn't even live here yet she's involved in family decisions. I am not. Most of all, what annoys me is when my parents act like nothing happened. They still ask me if I called my sister even when they know I HATE her. My brother told me in front of my parents that my parents did me a favor by letting me move in. Meanwhile, he doesn't even have a job. At least, I make an income and spend my own money. A few days ago he was sitting with mom and told me I have 2 months to move out. My mom has always been a bystander to me getting abused or disrespected(by my father, sister, brother). Her excuse: "I was shocked", "I didn't know what to say", "he didn't mean it", "things happen or just "whatever". My dad just acts like we're a big happy family while everyone complains about everyone.
I don't expect my family to fix my problems. They never did when I was young. I'm an adult now. I just want to understand why my parents would act like I don't exist. A parent should love all their children the same but why do my siblings get more love even though they mistreat my parents. I'm confused.
@seedy history @iammclane: Please don't make me feel like I'm imagining my abuse. My post has been limited to only a few words but I assure you I have a novel journal full of my abuse. FYI, I'd love to stay away from my parents. Last year, my husband and I moved out and went LC but suddenly my parents "missed" me. My dad cried for us to move back in. He even showed up at my Apartment unannounced. I'm confused why they would treat me like **** and expect me to be a part of their "happy" family.
- T JLv 61 month agoFavorite Answer
I hope there is a way for you to get away from all of them. I hope you can afford to get, even a studio, and get them out of your life. Good luck
- PearlLv 71 month ago
cause theyre being mean
- seedy historyLv 71 month ago
Apparently you are a married woman with a job. Everyone has "financial reasons". Not sure that explains why you and your husband (I assume) are living with your parents while you are complaining about them and bitter about things. Reality is that your parents likely DID do you a favor by allowing you to move in. It's not like they moved in with you and your husband for THEIR convenience. All the rest of this has little to do with the fact that you're still living with your folks despite complaining bitterly about them.
- iammclaneLv 71 month ago
Try to imagine this situation from your parents' point-of-view. They have three kids, whom they love. But the three kids can't get along. They make repeated attempts to snare each parent into siding with them, or to suborn each parent, to try to keep that parent from expressing any support for the other two siblings. And that includes trying to make it seem like this sibling or that one are the cause of all the problems and crises (which is why you feel that you're constantly being cast as the scapegoat). Your parents don't wish to see any of the three of you gain the upper hand, and they certainly don't want to be the means to that end. So they won't ever say "NO - you're NOT the scapegoat he's making you out to be". They won't ever say he's right, and they'll never say he's wrong. Same for your sister. Same for you. But that doesn't stop your sibs from saying whatever kind of mean or false thing they want...even while your parents are right there in the room.
Your parents aren't declaring them to be liars, but they aren't buying it, either.
As for them wanting you to stay - of course they want you to stay. They love you, AND they're getting older, too. Plus they don't ever want to think that your brother succeeded in driving you away from them. The last thing they want is to be stuck with him, alone. Dad is just trying to keep you from retreating in the face of sibling rivalry. It's a bit selfish of him (and he's probably representing your Mom's wishes, foremost) but under the circumstances it's understandable.
Just try to re-orient your thinking along the lines of "My brother is obsessive-compulsive about being the favorite child and getting his way, and he's also a narcissist. My parents don't want to admit to his mental health issues, so they tip-toe around them as if they didn't exist, meaning they'll never disagree openly with him". Meanwhile, begin building a more healthy, enjoyable relationship with your folks that never touches on the problems he introduces or tries to introduce. You might find that much more enjoyable than what you've been doing - trying to force them to be fair and just the way YOU see fairness and justice. Peace is normally more pleasing than justice.
You aren't the scapegoat. You're in the middle of a maelstrom of sibling rivalry and spite. You actually like it that way. If you dislike it, then try giving up your opinion of your sister and brother. They will still go on at this foolishness, but it will at least be reduced a great deal by not having you add to it anymore.
Your parents aren't taking sides. They both checked out a long time ago. They probably just agreed with each other that the three of you are completely irrational and unmanageable. So don't look for them to participate in ANY way. You just need to work to get the three of you back to rational behavior, or you need to stop dealing with or even thinking about bro and sis.