digis asked in Society & CultureLanguages · 1 month ago

English speakers, could you help me?

I am not a native speaker of English and I have to write a paragraph about employee biography. Could anyone tell me if I need to improve something to make it flow more natural?

Barista at Ocean Heart ship, Anne Nowak greets every customer who comes to a ship café with a smile, an original hair style and curious tattoos and bids farewell, in her own words, with a bit of love added to their cup of coffee.

The bubbly young woman joined United Ocean Lines company after returning from Norway where she worked on fishing trawlers.

She says she had not previously heard of this company but today she describes it as an inseparable part of her life.

Although it has not been a full year since she joined United Ocean Lines, she has already gave away her smile to the passengers of Ocean Heart, Flying Cloud and Santa Maria ships, and she also shares her thoughts on life at sea and on land with the readers of United Ocean Lines newsletter.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    I will assume that 'Ocean Heart' is an actual cruise ship or international passenger ship.  The 'at' in the first sentence fooled me for a moment!

    "A barista on the cruise ship Ocean Heart, Anne...."    "....who comes to one of the ship's cafes with a smile, ........ and later says goodbye, in her own words...."

    "....she has already shared her smile with many passengers on the Ocean Heart, the Flying Cloud, and the Santa Maria, and she also shares her thoughts with the readers of the United Ocean Lines newsletter."  (Note 'the' in front of 'United' and 'the cruise ship' in the first sentence.)

    Some areas of doubt: 

    I am no sure that 'bids farewell' is appropriate for a parting maybe less than an hour after she has greeted the passengers in her bar. 'Farewell' is usually saying goodbye for some long time, not until the next visit to the bar in a few hours, or next day.  I think you have to add 'later' in front of 'says goodbye', otherwise it seems that she is greeting and saying 'goodbye' almost in the same breath.

    'Given away her smile to' feels wrong to me, but I am also not happy with  my own idea of 'shared her smile with'.  At the moment I cannot think of anything better.

    Note that I am British. Americans etc might have different ideas.

  • 1 month ago

    Here's how I would write the paragraph:

    Meet Anne Nowak, Barista at United Ocean Lines' Ocean Heart. Anne has been delighting passengers for the past year on the Ocean Heart, the Flying Cloud, and Santa Maria. If she has served you, her bubbling personality, infectious smile, curious tattoos, and quirky hairstyles have doubtlessly engraved her impeccable service in your memory.

    No stranger to the high seas, Anne previously worked as a deckhand on fishing trawlers in Norway. Anne was not familiar with United Ocean Lines until she answered a help-wanted ad for the barista position. During the past year, she claims that UOL is a major part of her life. You can read more about her thoughts on life at sea and on land in your United Ocean Lines newsletter.

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