I don’t know what the **** to do ?

I married a guy with a daughter and he is going through all this court **** and his ex is crazy. We now have a bio kid together and I have faced a lot of jealousy and resentment being the second wife. Overall I have a decent relationship with my step daughter and my husband but when it comes to his daughter and ex wife we fight and piss each other off. I’m stressed because of his baggage. I wish he only had a kid with me and didn’t have to deal with this ****. I don’t know if it gets any better but I am strugglig here and it’s hard to be happy most of the time because I never know what his ex is going to try to do. Her mom is violent and abusive too and he’s trying to fight for sole custody. I also worry a little bit about her reaching out to my step daughter when she’s older and mess with her head idk, I need advice. Has any one of you been in a similar situation and it got better? Worse? 

10 Answers

  • 1 month ago
    Favorite Answer

    I have been in this situation, only my husband had a 7 year old son when I met him. His ex was (is) also crazy and caused drama in our marriage. She sued us twice, both of which were BS claims but of course we still had to go through the whole Court process, and honestly, the day we wrote that last child support check was a pretty great ******* day. 

    First, you need to get past this whole "I wish he only had a kid with me..." because you just need to face facts. It's also pretty unfair thinking with respect to your stepdaughter, not to mention your husband....Second, you and your husband need to get on the same page. You are a team. Your husband probably hates the situation even more than you do so try not to take any of that stuff personally or blame him for it. Make sure you're spending good time together as a couple without the kids, and make sure you're practicing healthy self care because when you're under significant stress like this, not getting any sleep, eating crap, and feeling stressed and angry will just cause your body to shut down. Last and most important...you can only control yourself. Worrying about the mother reaching out sometime in the future is a waste of your time and energy. You'll cross that bridge when you get there. Focus on as much positive as you can, enjoy your stepdaughter when she is with you, support and love your husband and child, and be kind to them and yourself. 

    Yes, it does get better, but like anything it takes patience, some hard work, and kindness. 

    Good luck, I wish you the best. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Sometimes it helps to take a step back and simplify.   What matters most to you is your husband and child, and then right behind that your step daughter.  Ideally, his ex shouldn't even be part of the equation (other than indirectly).  I mention this because is it possible your husband could be doing more to "protect" you from her?  If you're being fully supportive of his efforts to gain full custody, this is a good thing, but it means he needs to do his part to make things as easy as possible on you. 

    My own sister got into a similar situation.  My BIL had 2 little girls when they married, and the thinking was their mom would have them most of the year, and he'd have them summers and holidays (different cities).  This changed when mom moved in with a violent druggie.  My BIL filed for full custody, figuring mom would change her mind and pick her girls over this ******.  Well, she didn't, so my sis and BIL got full custody.  That was 20 years ago, and everyone is fine.  Sis and BIL went on to have 2 more kids and the 4 sibs are very close.   Also, if it matters, my sis and BIL did go to couples counseling for about 6 months.  It was like a "tune up", not a big hairy deal.  They learned better ways to communicate.

  • 1 month ago

    When you marry someone with a prior marriage, relatives, children, etc., you marry all of them, in a sense, they are a package deal, as you have amply illustrated.   But your task, now, is to make the best of it and above all, place the interests of all the children ahead of anything else, and that includes your step children, as well. You might wish to consult a marriage and family counselor together, to learn how to communicate and to better problem solve, since these areas cause conflict. Good luck, 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    You began by telling us that you have a decent relationship with both your stepdaughter and your husband, however, that appears to be an issue as far as I'm concerned. Not as far as your stepdaughter is concerned but undoubtedly as far as your husband is concerned though. That tells a story in itself believe it or not? However, you've got to attempt to deal with the here and now as opposed to believing you have the luxury to forecast the future, even if his ex is a psycho. Also, when it comes to him wanting total custody apart from agreeing/accepting the fact she might very well live with you guys. Other than the fact it's obviously a long way if at all it's ever going to happen. You should only concentrate on having your rear bent from time to time as opposed to having possibly the level of input that you presently have as invariably; being too vocal "albeit your right as his wife" he could misinterpret some of your action "again" although you might very well be more objectionably thinking far clearer than he is which he's never going to admit to. I believe due to his bad handling of the situation possibly long before you came along, whoever he married wasn't going to have an easy ride or look favourably in either his or his ex eyes when talking about them whether favourably or not. Being the 2nd wife may invariably never be viewed as the Bride that won the Lottery, so to speak! As for will it ever get any better, sadly that depends on the boy/man in Q, and so only you have the inside information on his character and his weaknesses/flaws, which I'm guessing there's many? Maybe 2nd time around might work well for you as you appear to be an open book as opposed to your possibly small-minded current husband, sorry! 

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  • 1 month ago

    It's hard to take a kid away from the Mom. Of course she's going to put up a fight. Why is he trying to get sole custody? Is she a bad Mom?

    So "his daughter" is your biological daughter?, because you say you get along okay with the step daughter. 

  • 1 month ago

    I don’t really know what you mean by 3rd and 4th place.. just because my daughter is his second child doesn’t put her in a rank... it’s his child not a 1st or 2nd place contest.. he loves our daughter just as much as his oldest and would fight just as hard for our daughter we have together. Yes I knew it was going to involve an ex and a kid that’s not mine but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. Do I regret it? Hell yes. Should I have thought more about it? You bet but I just didn’t think it would affect me so much mentally. It really sucks but I just hope things settle down 

  • 1 month ago

    You went into this relationship KNOWING he has a daughter who he wants in his life. Just as you knew his Ex is crazy and vindictive. So nothing has changed but the fact you choose to bring another child into this drama. Not the wisest thing to do, when there is still so much uncertainty. 

    All you can do, if you choose to stay, is make the best of the situation. 

    Join with hubby in showing a united front, in front of the Ex wife and in front of the kids (ALL of them). Show them a stable adult couple, and be the best example you can be. Don't argue in front of them specially NEVER when its about them, or the Ex. 

    Choose not to join in the Ex's head games. The ONLY way to win is simply not to play. Hopefully she will then turn her attention to another target. 

    Do that and it won't matter what the Ex says the girl will KNOW how much she is loved within the family, and no lies will turn her.

    If you aren't willing to do all or any of that, then tell him now that you want out. 

  • 1 month ago

    i would just try not to be around her

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    no . tell him not to keep  the stepdaughter. let her keep her. he should be only proud of the one daughter he has with u.End point. Full Stop. maybe request him only few days visit.

  • 1 month ago

    Well you knew a kid and X was in the mix...when you first started dating....which meant in any case your were 3rd in his life.

    You have choosen to stay and add another baby to the mix...who now is in 4th place

    Face it...you didnt think long term...like 18 years of this X making your life miserable as well as your child.

    The first kid and X will also cause friction...for as long as its a topic or conversations...for 18 years...

    My friend had a situation just like this until she couldnt take the crazy anymore....the husband wasn't very understanding of her concerns about X and first baby..who always came first...she felt **** upon daily.

    Finally, she divorced and it wasnt long till he had a new girl whonwas in 5th place and the next new baby in 6th place.

    She never pushed child support just to see if he'd step up to the plate and the answer is NO...he never did...never reached out to either of them...she said over the years it was more like a fling for him. He never cared about the kids he made.

    Id walk right away from crazy...for my child and myself because we deserve better.....life it too short to deal with issues others have.

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