Am I justified to be miffed at my friend. ?
I'm in my mid-late 20s. I have a long time friend from high school who lives out of state. (lets call her mary) She and her fiancée invited my boyfriend and I to come up for a weekend in late November to visit which we have graciously accepted. They know we like hockey and are going to try and get tickets for a local hockey game while we are up which is a very nice gesture and going out of their way for us.
She got engaged about 3 weeks ago. 1 week ago they came down to our area of the state to see her family for a weekend. We live within 2 hours drive of where her parents are. We didn't know mary had come down until tonight when she and I had a chat on zoom. I know she was swamped with all of her family wanting to see them when they came down.
But she drove 3 hours to see one of our friends who just had a baby, stayed for an hour, said she small talked and that our friend jane looked exhausted. (from what I gather never asked if she needed anything or asked if she could start a load of laundry or mop or anything remotely helping jane. Jane had to play exhausted host. which if I were their I would of at least insisted I do a load of laundry or vacuum or something to actually help out)
I understand mary was only down for the weekend, and she had limited time and a bunch of family to see, and that we are going up to see them in November, but I'm miffed I didn't at least get a text that she was in town. Is it reasonable for me to be miffed about this?
- ?Lv 71 month ago
Sounds like "mary" (sic) is trying her best to stay in touch as she can with all you old friends even while trying to maintain a busy life herself, keep a relationship together and plan a wedding. She's made the effort to invite you to see her and do something fun. IMHO you're being too hard on her.
- Mike ALv 61 month ago
I am now that "out of town" friend. I lived in the same city for fifteen years, and have now moved three hours away from everyone. I know I really miss hanging out with a lot of my friends. Some I miss really bad. I do go back and visit, but when I'm there, I only have so much energy and time. So what I have had to do, is pick a friend I want to visit. I have the energy it takes to travel out that far, the energy for the visit, the need to plan for three meals on the road or in town, and I need to plan for the return trip.
I would love to go tour the neighborhood and say hi to everyone I miss in one trip. Everyone will want to catch up. Some may want to share a meal. Some may even ask me to spend the night on their air mattress. I do feel bad for not reaching out to everyone when I'm going to be there, but unless we are doing something as a group, I won't be able to see everyone. Even if we do things as a group, I will be focusing on the group more than the individuals.
As far as the other concern you raised, not everyone has the energy to go and do a chore. Not everyone feels like that is necessary. Honestly, any adult human contact is good for a new mother, even if it's for an hour.
As you and your friends get older, and your lives get busier, health problems start to develop, the things you can do with your time and energy will have limits. Some people realize their limits sooner than others. So I personally don't think this was anything against you. And how you were raised is not the same as how she was.
And that's the best advice I can give