Anonymous asked in Business & FinancePersonal Finance · 2 months ago

Should my boyfriend that I have been with for 2 years help me out with my boys especially if we are serious and he has no kids?

I ask him to keep any eye on my kids during their online school while I work days and he works night. He says he should only be relied on as a last resort. He never does anything with them without me . Their real dad is not around . Should I continue to take this man serious? I cook for him and treat him good . The least he can do is help with my kids sometimes. I thought we were a package deal

8 Answers

  • L
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    You only become a 'package deal' once you get married.  Right now, he does NOT have to do anything he doesn't want to do and you can NOT demand he do anything either.

  • D50
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    It doesn't seem like he's good for much, as far as you're concerned. Ditch him. If you can find someone who loves your kids AND you, great. I wouldn't use up a lot of time looking for that someone, though. I suspect you will be raising them by yourself.

  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    No. Your boyfriend is not responsible for watching your children, regardless of how long you’ve been together. If he works third shift, are you expecting him to come home from work and then “keep an eye” on your kids while they do online schooling instead of sleeping? That’s completely unreasonable. You don’t say how old your kids are, and that makes a little bit of difference here as well. It’s very different if the expectation is that he is present in the house (asleep) but available if your 11 and 12 year old kids have an emergency versus if the expectation is that he’s helping your 6 and 8 year old kids connect to their virtual classroom, keep them on task and engaged, feed them lunch, etc. 

    If you had an expectation that he was going to step up as an equal co-parent, then you should have been really clear about that long before now. Realize that expectation would need to go both ways, as in, he would have equal ability to discipline them as he sees fit, etc.  They aren’t his kids. He clearly isn’t interested in being their co-parent (nor does he have to be). If your kids aren’t old enough to be alone and responsible for themselves while you work, it is your responsibility to find some type of care arrangement for them, and he has made it clear that he isn’t willing to be it. That’s his right. You need to respect that, and if it causes you to reevaluate your relationship, so be it. I’d bet that he’s reevaluating the relationship too.

  • 2 months ago

    You will come as a packaged deal IF you get married.  Until then, the kids are YOUR responsibility.  Even IF you get married, unless he adopts them, they are still your responsibility.  Why should he babysit your kids?  He has his own things he wants to do.  It looks like he has no interest in your kids.  Figure on a life of that if you stay with him.  He could reciprocate by watching them to some degree but it sounds like you are relying him to babysit when you are at work.  That's wrong.  They are not his kids and a full time dad, he is not.  You are unreasonable, but I do think a compromise is in order.  Can you discuss it with him?  It would be a good idea to do so.

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  • 2 months ago

    It is not his responsibility.  You aren't married. 

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    When does he sleep.  Are you asking him to give up part of his sleep time to watch the kids.  Third shift can be tricky when trying to balance sleep time, family time, and time for self.  

    As someone who has balanced one parent on third and one parent on first - a daytime babysitter is almost a "must" if you want any time as a "family" unit in the evenings before the third shift worker goes back to work.

    BTW - I have known of men who don't watch THIER OWN KIDS while the mother is at work.  I knew a woman who had to drop her child at the babysitter when her husband was LAID OFF and not working at all because he would NOT watch HIS CHILD while she worked.  

    Some men just don't watch children without someone else around.  

    Talk to him about how this is making you feel.  Remain calm and don't turn it into a fight.  See if you can find some common ground or a compromise.  The age of your children would also be a factor in how much supervision they actually need.  Maybe he needs clarification on exactly WHAT you want him to "keep an eye" on.  (he might think you want him to sit there with them when what you might actually want is just someone to glance in every hour or two to make sure they aren't goofing off. - so be clear on what you expect and maybe you can reach an agreement.)

    Depending on your situation and the age of your children - have you considered using some kind of "nanny cam" in the room that they would be studying in?  If you had a way to also check up by checking a camera whenever you have a break - this would add another level of "watching" the kids to be sure they are doing what they should be.  (and if they know that you can check a camera every night - they will be less likely to goof off even when no one is around to check on them)  Again - this does depend on the age of child - which you did not share.  It wouldn't work if the children are too young - but it might work with slightly older children or children who are mature for their age.

  • Judy
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You are looking at your future if you stay with him.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    "The least he can do is help with my kids sometimes" is not at all the same thing as expecting him to be your full-time child minder while you work.

    You go to work and sleep at night when your kids sleep.    You want him to be your full-time day care provider during the day and then go to work at night too?

    You are being 100% unreasonable.   When is HE supposed to sleep and have time for himself?   

    Hire a nanny or work out a child care share with other parents.

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