Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 month ago

My wife always listens to her family and does what they want her to do. Its putting a strain on the marriage.?

She comes from a different culture. I'm a white man and I met her and fell in love with her. Her family didn't like me but they went ahead and gave her permission to marry me. I thought that finally I could get her away from her family, because she always talks about how miserable she is with them. They treat her as property. She's only 24 years old and I'm 30. Shes an extremely sweet lady and very intelligent and interesting. She does a lot for me, even helping me financially. She works and I work as well. Her family somehow convinced her that she should drop out of work and make me pay for everything. She literally listened to them. They tell her to ask me how much I make. They also try to convince her to fight with me, which whe literally listens to. We had an argument over the dumbest crap last night and I knew it had something to do with her parents. Her mom calls her every single day and they speak in Arabic so I have no idea what they're talking about. After she gets off the phone, she's in a very bad mood and we start fighting the entire day. On days where she doesn't talk to her family, shes a very lovely woman. Shes very kind to me and even offers to give me the best massages after work. She cooks me my favorite meals and treats me like a king. On days where she visits or talks to her family, I somehow know its gonna be a bad day. She feels bad for me at the end of the day and apologizes but shes always back at it again when she talks to her mom. 

Update:

Her mom is always threatening to disown her or bring her brothers to come kick my a$$. What's going on here?

19 Answers

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  • 1 month ago

    Just tell her, it's either your family or me. Since you probably don't have any children I wouldn't see anything wrong with her working if she could find a job she likes. The only thing there is you may get jealous of the people she works with or around. If she isn't working she will probably get bored with being home alone. I'm assuming that you took her to another country. She has every right to know how much you make and what you spend it on, that's a part of being married.

  • Mary
    Lv 4
    1 month ago

    Do you treat her like a queen? Why are you not allowing her to know about the finances, you're supposed to be a partnership in marriage.

    If you want her to work then be prepared to massage her and make her dinner too.

    The fact that she is 24 and sounds a bit green and youre 30 and sound a lot more clued is the reason her family are looking out for her.

    They dont want an older man manipulating their daughter.

    I still cant believe she didnt know how much you were earning and shes your wife.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    go find a good divorce lawyer, it will never get better, as you see.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Not sure if that's a question or a statement. But clearly your marriage is failing. You might try to marriage counseling before pulling the plug on it, but it doesn't sound like she was ready to leave her family and get married. Marriages involving people under the age of 25 have astronomical divorce rates for a reason. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Parts of this made no sense.  You say your wife "works" but then you say her family convinced her to quit her job.  Which is it?  Also, you say that on days when your wife doesn't talk to her fam, she treats you like a king.  Then later you say she talks to her mom every day. It's hard to give ideas when you keep contradicting yourself like this.  All I can come up with is it sounds like it might be time for you to force her to choose - you or her family.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    I am a single male, and I am in my thirties. I never married anyone, and I am happy by the way.

    I think you are following in the same foot steps as my uncle, and he is now divorced! He has been divorced, for a long time. He also married a woman who speaks Arabic. My uncle doesn't speak Arabic. I don't know why he ended up getting divorced. I know my uncle has 2 kids. I think one of them lives far away from him, but the other one probably still lives with him, or near him.

    The last time I heard about my uncle's ex wife. She ended up getting her son to buy a couple of girls presents, and then he was struggling to pay rent because of his mother. I heard from my mother that my cousin moved in with a couple far away from his father, and probably his mother too.

    If I remember correctly when I was young I spoke with my uncle's wife siblings, for a little bit, and I don't remember ever speaking with her parents, and I was in her parent's home. I don't remember seeing her parents. The only reason why I was in my uncle's ex wife's parents home is because my cousins were living there, and I was babysitting them. My cousins were not able to take care of themselves!

    I don't speak Arabic either! My uncle's ex wife's sibling, or siblings spoke to me in English. I don't remember how many siblings of hers I spoke with.

  • 1 month ago

    When you married, you made promises to each other. Neither of you made promises to any parents. No doubt her parents were witnesses to your promises to each other. 

    Obviously we only know your side of the story. Why do her parents dislike you? Why would her brothers want to attack you? Why does she feel so unhappy with you that she feels a need to call her parents so often?

    Obviously we cannot know the answers to these questions. 

    If you are a perfect husband, you might ask her to limit calls with her parents to half an hour every two days (or whatever), because they in turn do not know your side of the story. 

    Reading books like Dr Phil McGraw's excellent Relationship Rescue helps to give us deeper insights into how relationships work. (I wish I got commission, as I recommend it to so many people!). As he writes in the book, it isn't only for people whose relationships are in trouble. There are other excellent books, of course. 

  • 1 month ago

    My suggestion is that you choose, two days a week, to treat HER like a QUEEN. You cook her a favorite meal, you listen to her concerns, you be very kind to her, you offer her massages or something SHE would like. Unclear why you don't let her in on the family financial realities.. which, if you did, might allow her to feel empowered to work and earn money because SHE gets a say in how it's spent. It sounds a bit like you don't treat her as an equal but rather like that she treats you as her master. Instead of focusing on how her family is messing things up, try focusing on how you can improve this marriage for HER. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    She sounds as though given enough time this will change. Be patient and remember that it takes two people to have a fight. Instead of participating in the fight, I would be looking for effective ways to diffuse the argument. You say she is smart. I would suggest making a budget and show her what you will both need to give up since she is no longer working. Make her an active partner rather than simply a wife. There is way more positive about her than there is negative but you are not the one that needs to point out the source of her unhappiness. Give her enough time and understanding to realize it on her own. I doubt if you do that it will take that long. Most importantly is to simply love her where she is at right now. She needs to know how much you appreciate her every day not just every once in a while.

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