My girlfriends actions show she dosent want to be with me but her words say she does, I'm confused? ?
She says she wants to be with me but she doesn't t make any effort in the relationship
- Anonymous2 months agoFavorite Answer
Signs of a toxic relationship
1. IT FEELS BAD. ALL THE TIME.
You fall asleep hollow and you wake up just as bad. You look at other couples doing their happy couple thing and you feel the sting. Why couldn’t that sort of love happen for you? It can, but first you have to clear the path for it to find you. Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying for too long in a toxic relationship will make sure any strength, courage and confidence in you is eroded down to nothing. Once that happens, you’re stuck.
2. YOU’RE CONSTANTLY BRACED FOR THE ‘GOTCHA’.
Sometimes you can see it coming. Sometimes you wouldn’t see it if it was lit with stadium floodlights. Questions becomes traps. ‘Well would you rather go out with your friends or stay home with me?’ Statements becomes traps. The relationship is a jungle and somewhere along the way you’ve turned into a hunted thing in a skin suit. When the ‘gotcha’ comes, there’s no forgiveness, just the glory of catching you out. It’s impossible to move forward from this. Everyone makes mistakes, but yours are used as proof that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. The only thing you really are is too good to be treated like this.
3. YOU AVOID SAYING WHAT YOU NEED BECAUSE THERE’S JUST NO POINT.
We all have important needs in relationships. Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are mocked or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will clamour like an old church bell. If your attempts to talk about what you need end in a fight, another empty promise, accusations of neediness, insecurity, jealousy or madness you’ll either bury the need or resent that it keeps being overlooked. Either way, it’s toxic.
4. THERE’S NO EFFORT.
Standing on a dance floor doesn’t make you a dancer, and being physically present in a relationship doesn’t mean there is an investment being made in that relationship. Doing things separately sometimes is healthy, but as with all healthy things, too much is too much. When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much. There comes a point that the only way to respond to ‘Well I’m here, aren’t I?’ is, ‘Yeah. But maybe better if you weren’t.’
5. ALL THE WORK, LOVE, COMPROMISE COMES FROM YOU.
Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. It’s lonely and it’s exhausting. If you’re not able to leave the relationship, give what you need to give but don’t give any more than that. Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Stop. Just stop. You’re enough. You always have been.
6. WHEN ‘NO’ IS A DIRTY WORD.
‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Don’t strike it from your vocabulary, even in the name of love, especially not in the name of love. Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people. Communicating what you want is as important for you and the relationship as communicating what you don’t want. Find your ‘no’, give it a polish, and know where the release button is. A loving partner will respect that you’re not going to agree with everything they say or do. If you’re only accepted when you’re saying ‘yes’, it’s probably time to say ‘no’ to the relationship. And if you’re worried about the gap you’re leaving, buy your soon-to-be ex some putty. Problem solved.
7. THE SCORE CARD. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE.
One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is all part of what we do. It’s how we learn, how we grow, and how we find out the people who don’t deserve us. Even the most loving, committed partners will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. When those things are brought up over and over, it will slowly kill even the healthiest relationship and keep the ‘guilty’ person small. At some point, there has to be a decision to move on or move out. Having shots continually fired at you based on history is a way to control you, shame you and manipulate you. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic relationships focus on your weaknesses.
8. THERE’S A BATTLE – AND YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN. AGAIN.
You and your partner are a team. You need to know that whatever happens, you have each other’s backs, at least publicly. In healthy relationships, when the world starts throwing stones, the couple comes together and fortifies the wall around each other. Toxic relationships often see one person going it alone when it comes to public put-downs. Similarly, when attempts are made from outside the relationship to divide and conquer, the couple is divided and conquered as easily as if they were never together in the first place.
9. PHYSICAL OR VERBAL ABUSE. Or both.
These are deal-breakers. You know they are.
10. TOO MUCH PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect attack and a cowardly move for control. The toxicity lies in stealing your capacity to respond and for issues to be dealt with directly. The attack is subtle and often disguised as something else, such as anger disguised as indifference ‘whatever’ or ‘I’m fine’; manipulation disguised as permission ‘I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun,’ and the worst, a villain disguised as a hero, ‘You seem really tired baby. We don’t have to go out tonight. You just stay in and cook yourself some dinner and I’ll have a few drinks with my friend or by myself? She’s been a mess since the something was postponed.’ You know the action or the behavior was designed to manipulate you or hurt you, because you can feel the scrape, but it’s not obvious enough to respond to the real issue. If it’s worth getting upset about, it’s worth talking about, but passive-aggressive behavior shuts down any possibility of this.
11. NOTHING GETS RESOLVED.
Every relationship will have its issues. In a toxic relationship, nothing gets worked through because any conflict ends in an argument. There is no trust that the other person will have the capacity to deal with the issue in a way that is safe and preserves the connection. When this happens, needs get buried, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always feed resentment.
12. WHATEVER YOU’RE GOING THROUGH, I’M GOING THROUGH WORSE.
In a healthy relationship, both people need their turn at being the supported and the supporter. In a toxic relationship, even if you’re the one in need of support, the focus will always be on the other person. ‘Babe like I know you’re really sick and can’t get out of bed but it’s soooo stressful for me because now I have to go by myself or do this or that alone. Next Saturday I get to choose what we do. K? (sad emoji, balloon emoji, heart emoji, another heart emoji, lips emoji.’) This screams toxic relationship.
13. PRIVACY? WHAT PRIVACY?
Unless you’ve done something to your partner that you shouldn’t have, like, you know, forgot you had one on ‘Singles Saturday’, then you deserve to be trusted. Everybody deserves some level of privacy and healthy relationships can trust that this won’t be misused. If your partner constantly goes through your receipts, phone bills, phone calls and text messages this shows a toxic level of control. It’s demeaning. You’re an adult and don’t need constant supervision.
14. BIG DECISIONS ARE FOR IMPORTANT PEOPLE. AND CLEARLY YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THEM
If you’re sharing your life with someone, it’s critical that you have a say in the decisions that will affect you. Your partner’s opinions and feelings will always be important, and so are yours. Your voice is an important one. A loving partner in the context of a healthy relationship will value your thoughts and opinions, not pretend that they don’t exist or assume theirs are more important than yours.
- Anonymous1 month ago
Talk to her about it. If the situation is making you uncomfortable say you don't want this relationship if it's going to keep being like this. Relationships have ups and downs, but you have to know when it is the time to end things. But be kind with her and don't breakup if this is just a short phase
- 2 months ago
Seems you're not satisfied, listen to your own gut feeling, wants, needs... Have you discussed if there is something also shes seeking out of your relationship? Communication is great rather than mind reading.. or moving on.
- Anonymous2 months ago
How long have you been together? Has it only been recently that she has been acting like this? Your question is lacking a lot of details which makes it hard for anyone to suggest why your girlfriend is doing that.