Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 month ago

Anyone here have adopted/fostered children?

I honestly don't want kids biologically but if i decide to have a family i would either foster or adopt a kid(s). The thought of having kids scares me and makes me really uncomfortable. My mom came into my room earlier and brought in clean clothes, she mentioned "You know what, I think you need to start thinking about baby-making" In my mind I was screaming. I can't stand that kind of girl-talk. I told her how I felt, like its a lot of responsibility, and my choice. What if I don't have kids at all and I'm happily together with someone and they don't want kids either? I don't want to go thru pregnancy and giving birth. Mom sometimes pushes it because I don't have someone in my life right now, or to keep me company when I'm old. Then she tells me its the best thing ever, you'll love it.Most young parents I see w/ their kids they don't discipline them and some parents seem tired or unhappy w/ them. Most young parents are around my age. I'm not the only one that doesn't have kids. I know relatives that are older that never had kids biologically, and married into another family. Right now Im content with my life and don't plan to have kids anytime soon. No, I'm not changing my mind. 

Do you think its better to adopt/foster kids or to have your own? 

6 Answers

  • Marvin
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    My father bugged me about it so much that one day I told him something to the effect of, "Witch of the barmaids you have seen me with looks like she might be mother material?".  I finally had a vasectomy at 22, and put an end to that. I had no difficulty finding women to date who are not into becoming mothers.

    He died years later without the grandchild he harassed me over.

    I adopted a son last year. I am 54. He is 15, and very happy. My wife is happy.  He is the only child we ever had.

  • kitta
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    Since you do not sound especially keen on the idea of having children, I would say that maybe you should wait until you really feel a desire for children before you decide. The "desire to care" for children is very important.

    Children need parents who are fully committed to them!! Children are not in a position of power and freedom  to act on their own behalf in order to change/avoid situations of neglect/abuse/cruelty etc.

    We live in a cruel world, that is not fair, too often unkind and that seldom  is the welcoming place we wish it would be. 

    It is even harder for kids who lack parents who are fully committed to them. .

     Parents must advocate for their children because if we do not, our children will be seen, by others, as lacking support  from those who should love them the most. These children will  appear isolated and alone...uncared for.

    And thus, some of our children will be targeted and vulnerable.... to every kind of predator, user, criminal.

    I do not want to be harsh, but this is a harsh situation for children.

    You are wise to be asking questions. My answer is to think some more and learn some more about what it means to commit to a child.

  • 1 month ago

    You don't owe your mother grandchildren.

    If you at heart believe you are not someone who would be dedicated to her children and would love them through their ups and downs, you are better off not having children, either by giving birth to them or adopting them.

    Source(s): Adoptee and Adoptive Mom.
  • 1 month ago

    As someone who has both reproduced and fostered, I can tell you there are amazing things about each. For me, it was never an either/or deal. I wanted to do both for different reasons.

    I desired to have biological children so I could experience pregnancy and the joys that come with raising children who are related to you. I was lucky that all 4 pregnancies went smoothly and were not wrought with a lot of nausea or complications. My husband and I took to parenting like fish to water. It’s so neat seeing my children grow up with the same mannerisms/quirks my husband and I had as young children. Our second child looks like me, third looks like my husband, and the oldest and youngest are a blend of both of us. I’ve always thought it was fascinating having people who look or act like you be around you since I was not around my biological family too often, though they were admittedly around more than you’d typically see in a normal adoption. I got to see them for birthdays and Christmas and my high school graduation. 

    We always wanted to foster children and give them a safe and loving home until they could be reunified with their biological family or have parental rights terminated and be adopted. The horrors children in foster care have gone through are mind blowing in the worst way possible. I am an adoptee and was lucky enough to not have dealt with abuse, as I was adopted as an infant and the reason for my adoption was that my biological parents were teenagers and simply felt too young to raise me. We have had 22 children come through our home (yes, I do keep count) in the 6 years we have fostered. The most recent child we fostered who fortunately went back to her biological parents was a 9 year old biracial (half white/black) girl that we loved very much. She felt comfortable with us despite not looking like us at all, which is what you need to aim for though you shouldn’t ignore racial differences. Celebrate them. Luckily her parents got their stuff together and they got custody of her back and they allow us to write letters to her as well as video chat on occasion. We are currently fostering a 4 year old boy with moderate developmental delays we also love very much. 

    I will say, however, that neither are a cakewalk. There are challenges to both fostering/adopting and biological children, as is often the case with parenting children in general, blood related or not. With foster/adopted children, there is usually another layer of challenges you must get through. Many will have developmental delays or emotional/behavioral/medical issues due to the trauma and abuse they have endured. If you think foster/adopted children will be easier than giving birth you are sadly mistaken. You also need to be prepared and recognize the fact that foster care is meant to be a temporary living arrangement for these children and they could be taken away at any time. This is what you should hope for. Wishing for otherwise indicates you should not become a foster parent unless you are exclusively interested in children whose parental rights have already been terminated and are available to be adopted, which is what I’d recommend to you. 

    I am sorry your mother is acting the way she is. She needs to understand that any children you may or may not have by fostering/adoption will not be her responsibility and therefore she should not be pressuring you to have children just for the sake of “having company” as you get old, which is not a guarantee even if you do eventually foster and/or adopt children.

    Source(s): Adoptee who is a biological AND foster mom.
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  • 1 month ago

    ive never had kids and never been married, but i heard even to have foster kids you have to drive and i dont have a license

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    This is all a matter of opinion, but, I think it's better to adopt. Pregnancy is a huge pain to deal with for 9 months, but I guess it's good for those who want children that look like them or don't think adopted children will see them as their parent.

    Personally, adopting kids is more beneficial. You get to skip the pregnancy if you want you can skip some of the worst age stages (terrible twos lol), and most importantly, you give a kid somewhere to belong. That's just my own opinion though.

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