Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingParenting · 2 months ago

Are my reasons for not wanting kids justified?

So where do I even begin? My partner and I have been in a committed relationship with each other for nearly fifteen years now and we currently do not plan on having any children. We're about five months apart in terms of age and still have years to change our minds if we want to; I'm twenty-nine and she's twenty-eight.

We both think that it would be very selfish and irresponsible to have children right now, especially with how badly things have gotten in the world. Even when we turned eighteen, we both felt this way, and our feelings have only gotten more intense since then. Even though we are more financially secure now, neither of us are very optimistic about the future and don't want to raise a kid in today's environment. It just wouldn't be fair to the child at all.

Being of mixed Creole, Cajun, Hispanic, Maya, and Creek ancestry, one of my biggest concerns at this point is also the idea of ethnic and cultural assimilation. I worry that if I have kids, I am contributing to the dilution of any one of those parts of my heritage. My partner is of mixed Dutch, German, Irish, Scottish, and Cherokee ancestry, but she has only started to learn about her heritage very recently.

Another big concern of mine is that childbirth really hurts and I do not want to do something that would cause her that much pain. It would also be drastically cheaper and much safer to give birth in another country, even with travel costs factored in, than it would be to give birth here in the US.


And I really hope this doesn't come across as offensive, since religion is a very sensitive and personal topic, but if I had kids I would be really concerned about people trying to impose Christianity on them. Neither of us are Christian and I didn't have a Christian upbringing, since neither of my parents were Christian, but my partner's parents are Christian and she was brought up in the church. I am concerned that her parents, especially her mother, would try to indoctrinate our children.

Update 2:

Even if her parents respected our boundaries, I am worried that other people would not, especially when it comes to the education system. Christians, in my observation, are really predatory in this regard and cannot resist the urge to force their beliefs on others, especially children. So this is a big concern of mine. We don't necessarily hate Christians, but we do hold a lot of bitterness towards Christianity as a religion, especially her, since she had live through a Christian upbringing.

Update 3:

While my father was still alive, he never pressured us to have kids, only to make responsible decisions. My mother has never brought up the topic. Her parents though, particularly her mother, seem really anxious to have grandchildren, especially since her older brother has not dated in years and is really opposed to the idea of having children at all. So there's a lot of pressure on her to have kids, even though she doesn't want to have them herself, which has made her even less interested.

Update 4:

Lastly, and maybe this sounds a bit silly, but we both kinda think that kids are obnoxious and irritating. I'm not sure if I could handle it, especially when I see my uncle trying to raise his children, and I know that my partner isn't up to it.

11 Answers

  • 1 month ago

    If significantly more people had your attitude, the world would be a better place. I applaud you.

  • 2 months ago

    Honestly, it's your life. No one should tell you how to live it.

  • edward
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    you young kids think you have all the time in the world to have kids...not true.  women have an expiration date that is much sooner than men.  eggs go bad, they don't become healthy again, women don't produce more egg cells.  it becomes harder for the mother and baby after the mother reaches age 30.  you don't have years to decide, just don't be shocked when you don't have the ability to have kids later

  • 2 months ago

    Usually this question revolves around a man= not wanting children..    More and more men are not looking for     and now i'm looking for..    interesting..

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • Nat
    Lv 4
    2 months ago

    You not wanting to raise a child is the only justification you need. The other explanation you provided though was stupid yes 

  • LizB
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    "We don't want kids" is the only justification you need. No one is entitled to any explanations or reasoning from you beyond that. If you don't want to get into arguments with family over it, then simply tell them, "This topic is not up for discussion" and refuse to engage further. People will respect boundaries when you establish and reinforce them.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    I have to wonder what you both have against Christianity and the church, especially since your partner/SO/wife was raised in the church. What is she so bitter about? Was she abused by someone, like a priest or a nun? If so, she needs to SPEAK UP and tell the authorities about that, so she can get some help in dealing with the aftermath of it. I don't hold with the notion of anyone who has experienced abuse, and particularly sexual abuse, suffering in silence. Not only is it harmful to the victim, silence also implies ACCEPTANCE of such acts, when the opposite situation should be true. There is such a thing as condoning actions (including criminal conduct) by silence, and the RCC has been guilty of that for decades, much to everyone's horror.

    The other thing you both need to realize is that the church here on Earth is NOT the heart and soul of Christianity. The church is a HUMAN institution- it was founded and is run by people- and therefore, it's not possible for it to be perfect. The real heart and soul of Christianity is the relationship between Christ and His followers. And even if I weren't Christian myself,  common sense tells me that Christ (Jesus) would likely be revolted by the stories of abuse that are coming from the church. Most of us find the topic of abuse of children and young people to be very repugnant- that's why it doesn't get talked about anywhere near as often as it should be. But what doesn't get talked about, doesn't get corrected, either.

    These issues really have very little to do with whether or not you want to have kids. The choice of what religious beliefs said kids get exposed to is YOURS and YOURS ALONE. None of your parents have any say in the matter, and they never will. And the practical reasons for not having kids are very valid. Kids ARE expensive. They also require enormous amounts of energy and time, and child rearing is simply not for everyone. Women who have kids also AGE more quickly than women who remain childless, because pregnancy and childbirth require huge physical investments. It takes a lot of energy and strength to grow a baby. I've seen evidence of what I am talking about in my own mother. I know I am not aging as quickly as she did, nor do I look as old as she did when she was my age- and I suspect that one reason why is because I chose not to have kids. And there's also the fun and freedom that comes from not having kids to worry about- with just the two of you, it's okay for you to take off for a weekend or go away on vacation for long periods of time. You don't have to worry about how Johnny and Sally are doing, and what they're up to while you're gone. That idea of having fun and being free of obligations (such as to pay college tuition, for example) is very attractive to lot of couples, especially these days. It's easier to fund retirement when you don't have kids to worry about, too.

    I also agree with your idea that having kids right now, with the world the way it is, is selfish. Because people really need to THINK about what kind of world that kids born into the current era are going to inherit- and it's not going to be a good one. Planet Earth is under siege. The climate is changing, the planet is way overpopulated, and we are seeing extinctions happening at record levels. On top of that, we also have this plague that has been unleashed on the planet by the Chinese. It may be years yet before we finally develop an effective vaccine against this virus, and it will be decades before the world recovers from the economic effects of this disaster. So I can't blame you for thinking that having kids right now is selfish and irresponsible. You're far from alone in believing this.

  • April
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    Don't let society boss you around. It's your life and your finances. The world is getting overpopulated anyways.

  • Rick
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    your life, your decision ..........................

  • JJ
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    No need to justify it - just say you're not ready. When you're ready, you'll know it and nothing will stop you. Until then, you just won't feel it. 

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.