Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingParenting · 2 months ago

I just came back into my 9 year old daughters life, but she wont let me into her heart. What can I do to bond with her?

I regret my decision to leaving my 9 year old daughter, Lindsey, when she was born.

I recently came back into Lindseys life after spending the past nine years getting my degree, studying abroad, and doing everything I can to build my life back up.

My ex girlfriend, Jessica, has been somewhat welcoming o my presence, but our daughter has not.

A few months ago, pre coronavirus, Jessica and I agreed to meet at the bowling alley so I could finally meet Lindsey. 

When I told Lindsey who I was she broke down crying and then made a huge scene by shouting at me and saying she hates me. Thats a watered down explanation but im sparing you details.

How can I win Lindsey over?


The idea was that bowling would be a fun activity for us to bond over. 

17 Answers

  • 2 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    Disregard all the critics below who are blasting you for meeting at the wrong place, condemning you for not being there, etc.

    I for one, applaud you for making something of yourself so that you can contribute to being a responsible, present, fiscally supportive parent. I'm assuming all of that was to become someone who can be a legitimate parent and be there.

    Now that you're there, on behalf of the entire Yahoo answers community, DO NO EVER FU!@#$% leave that girl again or God Himself is going to have to prevent someone from turning you inside out.

    That being said, realize some key truths about your situation:

    1.) It's going to take probably double the time you were gone to rebuild that relationship with Lindsey. You're the reason her mom (the one person she loves more than anything) was so irreparably hurt and forced into what's probably been a really hard life without the support of another parent. You'll have to apologize a hundred times over and then some for all the ways you hurt her, and Jessica for the past decade.

    2.) A kid who's 9 is going to be mad for a long time and need space. Keep telling her you're there whenever she needs, and don't try to push in. The absolute WRONG thing to do would be to try and move in and act like you're dad again and everything is normal. You might as well just slap both of them in the face. You'll be waiting a long time to get there, but being a constant presence and there at the drop of a hat WHEN NEEDED is going to win the day. Small things at first, like group meetings somewhere then bigger ones like birthdays

    3.) Marry Jessica - my friend, there is nothing bigger to do than to marry the mother of your child if trying to prove you're serious. It'll show Lindsey and everyone else you're not just some putz looking for a few months of hooking up and pretending to be a father. Not sure where you two are, but that's a silver bullet if there ever was one.

    4.) Explanations: Tell Jessica and Lindsey exactly what happened and why you did what you did. Being anything but authentic is going to get you kicked right out the door. You're already on wafer thin ice as it is, so the slightest hint of deception is going to send you on a magic carpet ride back to wherever the hell you were for 9 years.

    A word of warning: don't try to buy, bargain, or become a slave in order to win Lindsey/Jessica back. I've seen tons of divorced parents/absent parents show back up one day and give their kid/ex anything and everything they want in order to "prove" their devotion. It never works and you turn into a walking vending machine.

    My friend, everyone here is more or less going to give you a harsh reality check. That you showed back up at all and are trying is worth recognition, and I applaud you for that. Hopefully this list helps.

     You can do it.

  • J M
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You are a stranger who left her behind. That will never go away. She will decide if you will be in her life. There really is nothing you can do.

  • 2 months ago

    as a 9 year old myself, don't try to bond she might just want her own personal space, and think of this as another stage in maturity, let them watch stuff like rom coms might help it

  • L
    Lv 4
    2 months ago

    Your daughter is upset because she wants YOU in her life - NOT your girl friend!

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  • 2 months ago

    No matter the situation, it takes guts to come back,, nothing just falls into place easy.. Great for you both..

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    give it "time." 

    Don't try to do too much. Don't try to be her friend and don't come off as papa bear.  She's young and she will come around. 

  • 2 months ago

    First of all I commend you for creating a better life for yourself. 

    While you would like Lindsey to open her heart and let you in, that will take some time. Yes, you are her mother, but the reality is, she has spent 9 years of her life without her biological mother being there as a mother is supposed to be. Hopefully whoever the people are that have been raising her in your absence are encouraging her to spend time with you and build a relationship with you, but she is probably hurt. I wouldn't force it. Give it some time, pray about and she will come around...hopefully sooner than later. 

  • 2 months ago

    That's quite a predicament you're in.  If I we're you, the first thing I would do is brush my teeth after waking up, it's a good habit to keep as it prevents gingivitis and keeps your breathe not smelling like doo doo.  After that, ask your daughter Linsey if she plays roblox or fortnite, it's seem that kids are into those games nowadays, and buy her some gift cards for her so she can spend that money on micro-transactions.  Especially as a 9-year-old, if you don't got the most fashionable clothing on your charters online, you'll be made fun of and bullied until a new games comes out.  Hope this helps and good luck brother!

  • edward
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You’re a stranger to her. Just to clarify.  You and Jessica had come to an arrangement already?  You’re both clear on what was supposed to happen?  Jessica is over it and you’ve all moved past it?  Y’all are on the right path.  Jess should want you to meet your kid and i suppose you weren’t thinking that Lindsey would be overjoyed to find out a stranger is her father.  Since Jess is welcoming i suppose the split wasn’t a messy one.  It’ll take time

  • 2 months ago

    It's probably  going to take a while to win her trust but if you pray and make a sincere effort, things will probably work out.  I think kids forgive more  easily  than adults do.  

    Source(s): The New Testament (recommended reading)
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