Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFriends · 6 days ago

How do you love strangers, friends if they are all you have to love?

I have family, yes. But when it comes to adult relationships I tend to get really invested into other people, their problems. I want to help them and hate letting them down. I want to support them and be there for them.

I think that I got carried away a few times. I need to step back but I care for people. I always have cared for people. People I'd never meet, staying up late hours trying to help them work out personal problems...

I'm a little bit damaged, ( working on it) so that's really the only people I can care for and love are friends and strangers. That's all I really know how to love atm. 

I try not to make it sexual but I'm only human. I'm 32 years old and never have been in a relationship. So when I'm talking to a girl if I get feelings for her that are sexual I try to examine them and try to adopt a sister mentality with her so that those feelings don't dominate. 

I have made friends, probably hurt some friendships too. I'm not really sure. I get messages like, "We're going to be great friends"  to getting ghosted. If the person I know is going through problems and I am helping them I get very invested into that and sometimes I fear that I don't give them enough space, but I just want to make sure that they are okay...

Updated 5 days ago:

I'm wired as a mediator personality type. :D Which is part of the reason why I think a lot of people don't understand where I'm coming from. 

1 Answer

  • Anonymous
    5 days ago
    Favorite Answer

    This is something counselors help with ALL THE TIME You reach out (not selfishly, this isn't about being a selfish person. Don't feel bad. You are a needy--not toxic--person, though there may be some behaviors that hurt and can change) We are wired to connect with people.Some of us who have this also are NATURAL HELPERS and not just doing it because of those needs. You might be one of those people, if you're always helping someone. People don't go to someone for help who they see has these signs unless they know they can be helped. A counselor can help you. A psychiatrist could too, but it would be overly much if there are no other mental health features, when a counselor could just walk you through different things, help you notice your patterns so you can see the signs in the future, and help you put new behaviors in place. A male counselor would probably be best if you're male, a female if you're female. Unless you have same sex attraction. Then it's just whoever feels confident to work with you. You need to tell them upfront when you're trying to find one, because of transference. But don't give up finding one if the first one says they can't work with you for that reason. You are actually a loving person, it sounds like. You just need help with how to handle loneliness and your needs in a way that doesn't cause more trauma or a repeated cycle. (If any of this feels wrong, just chuck it :) I'm just going off what I know personally and what I've been taught, combined with what you typed.)

    To answer the initial question better, keep being your kind self, but keep your awareness of how you feel while doing that. Spread out your time with multiple people and not just pour into one unless it's a certain type of relationship and appropriate to do so.

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