What would you consider my orientation?

For the past 7 years I've identified as bisexual, because I have dates girls and guys, though I have never felt the desire to have sex with either gender. Recently I've come across the terms bi-romantic and I'm not sure now if I'm cross oriented bi-romantic and asexual? I had a partner ask me one time if I was asexual because I never initiate sex, and don't seem to enjoy it as much as his previous girlfriends, and I didn't know what to say. I do enjoy having sex in the moment, but I don't get turned on by thinking about it or thinking about another person, or even thinking about sex in general. I don't even look at my current partner and get turned on imagining us having sex. And should I bring up this new term to my partner? Or just keep things going as it is?

2 Answers

  • 2 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    Sounds to me like you are on the asexual spectrum, yes. Although it's a spectrum. Not an either-or thing. Some people are, indeed, 100% asexual, AND aromantic. While for others, like you and me..? Things are a bit more grey. I personally identify as panromantic GREY asexual, as I do have some hugely sensual and maybe slightly sexual feelings. They're just atypical, and nowhere near as strong as in most people. So if you feel neither 100% sexual nor 100% asexual..? Saying you're GREY ace makes sense, I think. And I also like the fact that it's such an open label, that can mean whatever it means to you! But the point is, you're not sexual in the same way as, and to the same extent as, sexual people. And you're on the asexual spectrum, but not just 100% asexual.

    Reason why I decided to get into such huge detail about this..? Is the fact that you say you DO enjoy sex, in the moment. I think because of that, identifying as GREY ace might potentially be helpful to you. Although really, the textbook definition of asexuality..? Is just simply NOT feeling sexual attraction to people. So if you never do..? You can still say you're just plain asexual, if that feels more right to you, too. It's up to you.

    Anyway... I DO think you would really benefit from having a conversation with your partner about this, yes. And not only that. But: THEY would also really benefit! Because if they're not asexual themselves..? They may very well be confused by your apparent lack of sexual interest! What I have come to learn, through trial and error? Is: many / most sexual people will feel hurt and rejected, if you're in a close love relationship with them, and you show no sexual attraction towards them! Because..? They'll feel like that's all on THEM! That THEY are not good enough, or attractive enough! And that you don't love THEM enough! It feels like painful, personal rejection. Because to them..? Sex and love / romance are really just two aspects of the same thing, and thoroughly intertwined! Which can be hard for people like us to understand, because we know what it's like to fall HEAVILY romantically in love with people, yet NOT feel sexually attracted to them! Which is more or less unthinkable and unfathomable to the average sexual person. So the conclusion they'll most often arrive at, if they don't understand asexuality, and they are with a closeted asexual person..? Is: "there is something wrong with ME! My partner is specifically not attracted to ME, because *I* am not good enough for them!" Which can cause TONS of resentment and painful relationship issues! So.. you need to make them understand that it has nothing to do with them. That you do indeed love them! And that this..? Is just how you work, and your sexual / romantic orientation! That you're always like this, no matter who you're with, and no matter how much you love them! Regardless of labels, or any of that jazz..? You need to help them understand how you work, on that level! And then you can figure out, together, what that means for your relationship. And whether or not you're able to compromise, in a way that works for you both. (Sounds like you are. And you actually kind of like sex, even! Which is great! You'll probably have little issue being with a sexual person, then. <3)

    Source(s): Fellow asexual spectrum person, who's been through LOTS of inner processes, and had LOTS of experiences, as far as this stuff goes! (Many of them painful.) Who's experienced being in a REALLY sh*tty and toxic relationship, that turned almost abusive, because I was NOT able to talk about these things, and I was NOT able to make my former partner understand how I work! And.? Who's now in the most BEAUTIFUL, healing, incredible love relationship, with the love of my life! Who totally, 100% gets it, and loves and respects me JUST the way I am!! But me openly explaining it to him..? Has definitely HUGELY helped with that, too!! You can't expect your partner to read your mind, after all. No matter HOW awesome they are. <3 :)
  • martin
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Keep things as is.  You are whom you are.  Be happy with it.

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