Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 4 weeks ago

I don't understand why my bf does not understand me ...?

My bf and I have been dating for a couple of years and we have mentioned marriage. I come from a very strict Muslim household in order for the marriage he needs to convert and he needs to learn my language that's the only way they will accept it. I had brought it up to him once he graduated to start learning "Urdu" cause it is not an easy language. He has mentioned that his vacation has barely started and to let him enjoy his vacation. I did not mention it for about six weeks into his vacation. He is taking a gap year before thinking about entering law school. He has mentioned that he learn everything during that year. I am worried that he won't learn my language. Don't get me wrong, I brought him a book about my culture he has read it. My language and religion is the key thing that will win over my parents.  I have one month left in his city and I move back home and it will become a long distance. I do not want to pressure him into beginning learning my language. However, I feel that he won't do it. If he knows this is what's very important to me why hasn't he started? 

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  • 4 weeks ago

    Why hasn't he started? Could be a lot of things. Here are a few I can think of.

    1. He wants YOUR love for him to be strong enough to marry him even if your parents do not "approve" of him. Could you stand up to them for love of him? 

    2. He wants to relax for the gap year and doesn't want to focus on learning a whole new, difficult language. 

    3. He sees you going home as the death knell of the relationship, so learning a language he may never use again is pointless. 

    4. He hasn't really committed to the whole conversion thing. Perhaps he wonders why you can't accept him as he is, just as he has accepts you, in spite of your differences. 

    5. Maybe he worries he can't do what you want in the time frame and wonders if that means YOU will dump him. 

    6. Maybe he worries since you are going home, that the parents might have a "more suitable" husband lined up for you, and knowing how your parents' approval is so important to you, that you might end up marrying their choice instead of him. 

    7. He sees the differences between you in expectations for the relationship as becoming insurmountable, and you leaving might be the end of it. 

    8. Marriage to you wasn't his end goal, or isn't now you are leaving, so learning the language and culture isn't necessary for him.  

    9. It could be he can't see how he is going to manage studying law, learning all the things you need him to and managing a long distance relationship with you.

    10. It could be a combination of any of these things, or none of these, or something completely different. You have one month left with him to sort this out. Use it wisely. 

    By the way have you considered seeing things from his side? You are asking him to give up a lot of who he is to accomodate your parent's wishes.Would you be willing to do the same if he demanded it of you? What would you be willing to give up for love of him? Hmmm? 

  • g
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    It's apparently not as important to him that he win over your parents. Ultimately your marriage is between the two of you, having your parents' approval is good but it's not required. He's not understanding that this is a make or break for you - for a marriage to happen.

    Remember at this point he's your boyfriend, not fiance - IS he actually committed to marriage or are you just hoping he means it? Talking about it "maybe someday, possibly after law school" isn't the same thing.

  • 4 weeks ago

    Learning a new language is difficult and he certainly should jump on it now if he wants to know enough of it for your marriage. Perhaps when you're long distance you can set up times to FaceTime and you can help him learn it. Try to make it fun and come up with games. At the same time, I feel like your family should be a little flexible with him about learning the language. Just explain to him that it doesn't have to be perfect but he needs to know enough to show your family that he put in good effort to make it work. Best of luck!

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