Anonymous asked in HealthMental Health · 4 weeks ago

I want the man who raped me dead. Should I worry about this? I harbor a lot of rage?

I'm 21. When I was 10, I was molested by a slightly older cousin. I don't really harbor much resentment towards them. They were young, and barely knew what they were doing, though that had a really negative impact on me. 

I was violated in other ways in college, but when I was 15 I was basically lured online by another student (who was 18). We went on a date, and he definitely planned to do this the whole time. Initially, he wanted me to go to his house. When we met up he obviously had no interest in talking to me, and he raped me on the way home in his car. 

I wanted to kill myself for years. I was extremely close to it. I started "recovering" from it 2 years later, but then kind of relapsed on a really bad path that was arguably worse. Instead of just being sad, I was depressed with a sex addiction, and drug addiction, and got myself into ridiculous situations to satisfy myself. 

But now, at least, I'm doing really well. I go to an excellent university, am doing great professionally, etc.  I fantasize about killing him in hundreds of ways. I wouldn't do it, but the only reason is because I don't want to go to jail. That's it. 

In general, I feel that I'm an extremely angry person, particularly when I don't have control or when things don't go my way, I have violent meltdowns. Usually my anger is more long-term. I don't forgive people, and I lash out in ways that aren't appropriate. For example, I urinated on someone's pillow because they iddnt invite me to a party

11 Answers

  • 4 weeks ago

    Report it to the police. If he committed other sex crimes against other people, your report can be used to support their testimony. It's probably not too late to report it. 

    Source(s): .
  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    forgive him so u can get rid of the anxiety

  • 4 weeks ago

    Have you been to therapy, had help in any form? It doesn't just go away. Talking to a professional is important. If you have, it seems to not have helped? Try again? Because, you're doing 'really well' now? You' won't do it' , because of jail? You're doing 'really well', but you're extremely angry, lack control, hold grudges, and behave inappropriately? And, when you don't get your way, you piss on someone's pillow...

    Well, how's this working for you?

    Was this person arrested? Did he suffer any consequences? And, again, did you get counseling? I speak from experience, so I'm not talking out my ***. This is not something trivial that happened to you. It also doesn't define you. You are no longer a kid. Take the bull by the horns and do something good for your soul. Your rage and violent you really think that this affects them? Are they concerned that you think about killing them? Keep them up nights?

    All this **** you do only screws with you. And maybe you're getting something out of it? Maybe there's a pay-off for you in some way? Like I said, I speak from experience, and a few years.

    Rape. Abuse of any kind. Being violated. It changes who you are.

    It's a continuing process, it isn't easy. But behaving as you do, you continue to give away your power. And with that power, little pieces of you go too. You're the one in control. Or not.

    I hope so. Because the alternative blows.


  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    not sure how helpful this will be, but if this is someone you know or still know where they live , there are all kinds of ways to make a persons life a living hell.  Revenge is a great stress reliever. 

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  • 4 weeks ago

    I think you have posted this problem on here before.

    I once knew an old priest that told me God gives us anger as the impetus to seek justice.  This is true.

    You are still angry at the criminal who lured you and then raped you and you should be.  But hopefully, you have LEARNED A LOT FROM THIS EXPERIENCE.  And you take much better care of yourself now.

    It's obvious that you were not raised in a mentally and emotionally healthy home and you have not learned healthy coping skills or good life skills.  Your violent meltdowns always make MORE TROUBLE FOR YOURSELF and thus you do not protect yourself from trouble and the consequences of your inappropriate behavior....why?  Why haven't you learned this by now?

    I feel that psycho therapy or even working with a life coach may help you but in order to get your life together and cope well and learn better life skills, you will need to talk to someone who can teach you. 

    I wish you all the best.

  • 4 weeks ago

    Talk with a therapist. The way you worded your question, sharing what your cousins did, makes me think you have a lot of conflicting emotions. Just remember, trauma is a normal response to an abnormal situation, and you did nothing wrong. The rapist belongs in the trashbin of your mind, not in your obsesdions, and when you get back to loving yourself your rage will diminish. 

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    You need to see a therapist to help you with anger management, anxiety and acceptable ways to deal with this situation.  See your university's health clinic for a referral.

  • 4 weeks ago

    I understand your rage! I, too was raped by an older teen when I was age 14. Like you, I would wish the guy be dead or in prison, but as years pass, your rage become a little bearable. The rape tore tissue in my anus, and when healed, the scar partially covers the rectal opening making bowel movements difficult some times. You must let incidents like the one you describe fade from your memory if possible. When you suddenly begin to think about the rape, I say aloud STOP, and my brain reads my command and I do not think about the rape any longer. There are a lot of stimuli that can trigger a rage response, so try not to think about it and change your mind-set.


  • 4 weeks ago

    You need to see a therapist that specializes in post traumatic stress.  You need more help than you’ll get here.  Please see a professional.  

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    From the sound of this post, you need mental health support for these issues of rage and  angry outbursts.  Time for you to seek out a mental health professional who can successfully help you sort through all of these overwhelming emotions.  You deserve to live a happy, healthy life without having all the memories of your tragic past bubbling up to the surface.  Reach out for the help and it will set things in motion for you.  take care.

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