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Is it okay if I feel hurt by this situation?
Hello, I really need your advice. I am a college student, 23yo
I've been with this woman "Annie" for 9 months now. To be completely honest, our relationship started with her being my mistress (BDSM), but over time I got to know her, and I developed feelings for her. She says she loves me too, and I chose to believe that because I think she could be telling the truth.
She had another sub that I knew of, he was a nice guy. Some months after our initial agreement another guy appeared, one of her old subs. I got sad because of it, I think I had developed some level of attachment by this time.
I worked hard on making my peace with her having two other subs, both of which were her favourites (she literally said that. I think she was just trying to hurt me with this, but I could be wrong).
Then she had some issues, family related, and I was there for her. I offered my help and I did everything I could to make her feel better. She overcame those issues, and she started treating me better, she also started showing more affection towards me. She started telling me how much she loved me, and I was flying sooo high!
Our relationship had a wonderful development over the course of 3-4 months (during the time we were self-isolating). She would play video games with me, we would chat all night. It was great.
Then I had some awful family issues, with my grandmother passing away because of the virus. She was there for me, kinda, I wish she had been more present. But she was supportive.
A few days after that my birthday came and I wasn't feeling too good. I have struggled with depression for quite some time, and everything that was happening just wasn't helping me.
She was really understanding.
I started to feel better, but I noticed she had changed the way she behaved with me. She started being cold, and it seemed she wasn't really interested in me anymore (this was a few weeks ago).
She said she had been busy and if she was cold it was just because she didn't have time.
But I had given her so much of my time.
I feel guilty about this because my grandmother lived with us, and sometimes I wouldn't be with grandma because I'd be texting Annie or doing something else with her (this is entirely my fault).
I had some board exams for which I had to prepare a lot, and I would find the time to see how Annie was doing. I never neglected her because as a woman I know what it feels like to have someone not give you the importance you deserve. So I really tried for her
I think I got a mistress because I wanted someone to look after me, someone to take care of me. Because I had been through a bad breakup and I wanted to feel good again.
I asked Annie if there was something wrong and she said no. She said that simply she had been busy, and she was sorry for treating me that way and that she would try to change. She also reminded me of how much she loved me.
She said there was no one else, and that she was grateful for having me in her life
I have had some trust issues because of things that happened to me in the past. And I doubted she really felt that way about me. Like, I was thinking she only saw me as a slave, and I was being an idiot for thinking she could see me as her girlfriend.
So I created a fake social media account, and I befriended her (pathetic, I know), and I asked her if she was single. To no one's surprise, Annie said she was single, and that the reason for it was that she hadn't found the right person yet
I discovered this yesterday. It hurt me so much.
Not only because she was denying me, but also because she said it without giving it a second thought. If someone asked me if I was single I would say I wasn't. I would have replied that I was in a loving relationship with a wonderful girl.
But she didn't.
And it got me thinking if all the sweet stuff she told me was true.
Does she really love me? Does she really think I am good enough for her?
All those times she said she was grateful for having me in her life. That must've been a lie too.
I have tried to end things with her at least twice, but she says she'll try to be better and that she really cares about me. "I'm sorry, I can't let you go". She has also begged me to stay with her.
So the last time I tried to break things up with Annie I promised her I wouldn't leave unless she asked me to do so. That's why I had been asking her if everything was alright
While she was telling a random guy (the fake profile) that she was single, she was texting me (the real me) telling me how much she loved me.
After that, I closed the account and tried to make sense of what she had said. Somehow I managed to control my sadness.
A friend of mine told me it was my fault and that I had set a trap for her, so I couldn't be mad about this thing.
But after 9 months of me loving her, I thought I deserved to be at least sad.
I pretended everything was fine, and smiled
So, I was hurt by it, but I tried to think about other things, to not make a big deal out of it, and also because I love her so much I don't want to miss her.
She had been telling me about this toy she wanted me to buy. One that would allow her to play with me via Bluetooth, using an app that allowed her to control the thing (a sex toy). And I hadn't gotten it because it's a bit expensive for a college student.
But I had been considering getting it just to please her, and so that she could be a little more involved with me and our time
Sometimes it seems her mind wonders when she spends her time with me.
So I was talking to her about some of the features this toy has, and she knew all about them.
I asked her how she knew so much about it (she doesn't have any toys of her own).
She answered that one of the guys (the favourite sub, the best of them all) had one of those.
And this just destroyed me.
I can't stop crying
She told me she had left the other two guys
That I was the only one
That she had been so busy lately, and she had so little time she couldn't take care of other people. So she chose me and she chose to spend that time with me. Because she cherished me and loved me so much
But it's not true, right?
She just wanted me there because she loves the idea of someone loving her
She doesn't love me
She is just using me the way everyone else does
And it's my fault because I put myself in this situation
She said "I haven't played with him so much" ... "using that toy"
I can't do this
Every night I'm in hell because I don't know what she's doing or who she's doing.
I don't want to love her anymore
- ElleLv 710 months agoFavorite Answer
I don't read questions this long... TMI. But no matter what, never ever take anything personal again. A short book by Don Miguel Ruiz titled The Four Agreements.
As you go forward in your adult life, you'll see and hear a lot of things. Look at all of time you have spent on coming here and asking this question... and all for what? But one thing for sure "Don't Take Anything Personally". https://youtu.be/cfJ89yPEfdw
You need to watch this video over and over until it is burned in your mind. You'll be a much better person forever. I wish you well.