Thoughts spiritually on my viking poem I wrote just now?

As the eagle scans the battlefield,

The enemies fate is already sealed.

Charging headlong the berserker rages,

His wolf like howls echoing through the ages.

Mercy they could never grant,

Be brave for Odin to forever in Valhalla chant.

Poem by me

6 Answers

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  • 4 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    I would leave out the first word,

    and the "is", in the second line.

    Read those two lines, out loud, both ways

    and feel the improvement.

    --

    Regards,

    John Popelish

  • Anonymous
    4 months ago

    I like the poem.

  • User
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    The rhythm and meter are both "off".

    Most importantly and basically in English rhyming poetry

    one must have ***the same number of syllables***

    in each rhyming line

    and if rhyming lines alternate, also in alternate lines.

    In your simplistic-style poem (which is NOT a criticism)

    all of the lines should have the same number of syllables.

    This makes the "flow" of the poem much smoother.

    On a more advanced level, word emphasis also needs to be in the same place in each line

    and regular (e.g. every third syllable, or every fourth syllable, or what-have-you)

    but that can be quite a bit more tricky to accomplish.

    SO

    resolving just the syllables per line problem (and correcting a few grammatical errors)

    As the eagle scans the battlefield

    The enemies' fate is already sealed.

    Berserker charging headlong rages

    Howl echoing through the ages.

    Only blackest mercy did they grant

    Brave for Odin and Valhalla chant. 

    We can sort of "manufacture" an "imitation" meter by using capitals to indicate points of emphasis (and this demonstrates the problem with the poem as I've altered it, especially with the fifth line)

    AS the eagle scans THE battlefield

    THE enemies' fate is ALready sealed.

    BERserker charging HEADlong rages

    HoWl echoing THROUGH the ages.

    ONly blackest merCY did they grant

    BRAVE for Odin and VALhalla chant.

    Some others opined that the eagle seemed out-of-context. One could replace the first line:

    A Valkyrie scans THE battlefield [problem: "Valkyrie" is plural]

    or

    SWIFT Valkyrie scan THE battlefield

  • Jim2
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    I think it is pretty good but have to agree with the other guy that the eagle is out of place. You should tie him in a little better.

    I really like the last line. That's true, that type of person will never go away!

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  • Anonymous
    4 months ago

    Why would the eagle scan the battlefield? They are hunters not scavengers.

  • 4 months ago

    Odin would be proud.

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