Should I date someone who isn’t sure about a future?
My gf and I (me 30, her 24) are not ready to settle down. But lately we’ve been discussing the what if’s. I know I will eventually want to. And I asked if it was even worth continuing (dating a year) if we’re both going to want different things in the future. She got super upset and said I was just looking for an excuse to break up. I love her and I know she loves me. We have been taking it super slow, which I love. But when we discuss the future we both seem clueless. She knows she wants to as well, but after her 30s. It’s weird saying she sees a future with me, but not sure what kind. I am barely entering my career. So my focus will be on that the next 3-5 years. But, I’m afraid she’ll never come around to this idea and I’ll be in my late 30s when we do break up and then I go find someone. She says it’s crazy to think like this but do I have any right to be scared? When she talks about the future she discusses moving and drops hints that it could be with her but she’d be fine without me. What the hell? Idk if she’s testing me or what?
- JanetLv 71 month agoFavorite Answer
You two are over-thinking this.
Couples make their future together, but as long as neither of you are in touch with what each of you wants out of life, there is no way to decide if you two want the same thing.
Life is flexible, and so often what we DO envision for our future doesn't work out and we end up "changing gears".
As for testing you .. no. She's trying to protect herself from heartbreak, seeing as she is feeling like you are looking for an excuse to break up with her. the more she tells her she would be okay without you, the less fear she creates inside her self if her future ends up not involving you.
You cannot create security and cohesion is you are asking her if it is worth continuing together. Your approach is bound to drive a wedge between you two.
Just for the sake of it, externals are NOT what make a relationship work well .. they are only 2% of what makes a good marriage. MOST of it is emotional health that allows both people to accept each other and to work with their own emotions ... coupled with kindness and honesty. Even love is only 11% of what makes a marriage work.
But without a sense of security and emotional safety, MOST people back off in self-protection. So keep your mouth shut about maybe not staying with her .. at least for now. IF at some point you DECIDE she is NOT suitable for you, then you break up. Until then, if you are going to stay with her, act and think as it if is going to work out and going to last. Or you will create the destruction of the relationship .. and since you aren't even sure what you want, why would you set the course to break up?
- TjLv 71 month ago
You both need to really get into a good discussion over this, maybe a counselor would help. If you both want this to work.
- No MercyLv 71 month ago
in your 30 and JUST entering a career? YOU are not ready to settle. she is waiting to see what will come out of u and if nothing - she will dump u. smart move on her part, but her clock is ticking, she shouldn't waste time like that.