Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 month ago

Do you think you should tell your child if they’re adopted? ?

Okay so me and my partner are currently in the early stages of adoption and this is playing on our minds. We already have two children (5&2) and our adopted child will be our last. We don’t want this child to feel “less then” or unimportant since the other two are our biological children and we don’t want our biological children to use this against our adopted child in future arguments. However I feel like this child has a right to know where they came from and who they are, and finding out later in life would do more harm. We’re really facing this dilemma, what would you do? 

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  • 1 month ago
    Favorite Answer

    I believe it is imperative that you tell your adoptive child about their origin. You don't have to make a huge issue of it. School age is about right, in my opinion. Additionally, you don't have to tell everyone you meet that your child is adopted. It's none of their business. 

    But I would never hide this information. And I wouldn't delay telling either--suppose a medical issue comes up that you will have to deal with? Your child and those who exercise some authority over your child, (i.e., teachers, day care workers) should also know. 

    You will not be able to prevent your biological kids from using adoption against the adopted child, if they want to--and some kids just do it to see what reaction they get. If you witness that sort of behavior, you should shut it down immediately--"we adopted you because we fell in love with you just as much as with our other children" or "you are ALL our children, no matter where you come from."  Don't let them get a start separating the adopted child from inclusion.  

    Have you talked to your other children about the new child that will come into their lives? Like any new addition to a family, you have to prepare even very young children for the situation. They need to know in no uncertain terms that they are ALL EQUAL in rights, in familial status and in love. That's what you push--the equality--not the situations. Not the origins. You tell them, but you don't make it sound like it ought to be something to fear, or point out, or use as an excuse. 

    I would also join an adoptive parents' support group for further tips. It helps to talk to people who have been in your situation and have coped with it. Good luck and best wishes to all of you!

    • Tara1 month agoReport

      Adoption should NEVER be a secret. Waiting until a child is school aged is wrong. If the term 'adoption' is used from the very beginning, it will always be part of the child's vocabulary and understanding. There should never be an 'aha' moment when it comes to being adopted.

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  • Anonymous
    2 weeks ago

    No. Never.  As they get older and life starts to get hard, they'll develop this stupid fantasy of what their birth mother could be like then go out looking for her and end up distraught when she doesn't give a crap about them. There is rarely a medical need for them to ever know.

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  • Holly
    Lv 4
    1 month ago

    Personally I would tell them

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  • 1 month ago

    There is no question that the only way to handle adoption is by being open and honest about it from the beginning.

    If this is a serious question - I have doubts because you say partner and not husband, and most states do not allow unmarried couples to adopt, and it is unlikely you would have an entirely closed adoption in which the child's original family has no ongoing contact - it is imperative to know that hiding information about adoption *always* ends badly, with traumatized and resentful children finding out they have been lied to their entire lives by the people they trusted most.

    School age, as the person you chose as best answer said, is too late. It needs to be a normal part of the child's story from the beginning. The first picture in my baby book is of my mother holding me at the adoption agency the day they met me. : )

    Source(s): Adoptee and Adoptive Mom.
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  • 1 month ago

    If you choose not to tell them, how can you guarantee they will never find out? A careless relative may say something in front of them. They may have their DNA done some day and find out that it doesn't match anyone else in the family. A member of their biological family may contact them some day. Think what a shock any of those situations would be. It's so much better if they grow up knowing the truth.

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  • Jill
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    I would tell them as soon as they were old enough to understand and make them understand that they are as special as your older children because you wanted them just as much. 

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  • Liz
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Your 5 year old will know that this new child is adopted. So it is important that they hear it from you not their sibling.

    I would start talking about it as soon as you can. I have heard people frame it by saying you didn’t grow below my heart, but you were always in my heart. You were very much wanted before you joined our family and are very important in our lives. If you hear a sibling say something negative about them being adopted, immediately correct them and reinforce what I said above.

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  • Mandy
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    I think that you should definitely tell them that they’re adopted.  For the simple fact that, they are.  They have the right to know how they got to become a part of your family and the extended family they will now also be part of.  Also, perhaps, it may be important for medical reasons down the road.  There is nothing wrong or shameful or needs to be hid about being adopted.  

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  • 1 month ago

    Definitely tell the child especially from early on so it’s not this big secret coming out when the kid is 13/14

    Also let them know it’s okay to be adopted.

    You also don’t want them to grow up and see that they look different from everyone else and then figure it out themselves

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  • 1 month ago

    "we don’t want our biological children to use this against our adopted child in future arguments." Optimist !

    The question isn't whether to tell them, they're going to find out one way or the other (your other two kids will take care of that). The question is what will you say when they find out.

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