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Is 9 too young to know your sexuality?

Today my 9 year old sister came out to me as a lesbian. It was a bit of a shock because she’s so young. I don’t want to invalidate her feelings but 9 seems too young to me. I’m gay too but I didn’t even start questioning my sexuality until I was at least 12. I told her that she should probably hold off on making any solid declarations for now because she’s too young to date anyone and while dating girls sounds good in theory, she wouldn’t really know for sure until she started dating. I also know that she looks up to me and tries to imitate me whenever possible, everything I do she wants to do, so she could just be trying to be like me. My dad who is a very supportive ally also thinks she’s too young to know for sure. I really just don’t want her to tell everyone she’s a lesbian and then realize later that she’s not. Any advice would be helpful honestly.

24 Answers

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  • 2 months ago

    It is early, but it's not impossible as many girls and boys as young as 3 & 4 have 'crushes', whether they be same or opposite gender, it's usually just for friendship closeness.

    Perhaps your right that she looks up to you and just wants to be like her big sister.  I would just accept her statement, she has plenty of time to change her mind several times.

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  • Yol
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    For sure, she is not too young.

    Child can be knowing your own sexuality at 4~6 years. I, for example, knew my sexuality at 6. And, since this age, I already knew that it was "wrong" and something that I should hide.

    She can be bissexual, but, if she feel something different about women, that she is probably unable to explain, she is not straight.

    It's very important to have a supportive family. At least, her home need to be somewhere safe. For me, it wasnt, make it be safe for her.

  • PAMELA
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    She is trying to be like you,we do not know what our sexuality is until puberty kicks in, i doubt that she even knows what is meant by being gay!

    • Heathen2 months agoReport

      So you're saying that neither you nor anyone ever has had a pre-pubescent childhood crush? I had crushes on girl as early as pre-school. 

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  • 2 months ago

    She is too young to question her own sexuality. If she turns out to be lesbian later in life then fine...but for now tell her to be her own age and just enjoy friendships with everyone of her age.

    • Heathen2 months agoReport

      If she's old enough to ask the question of her own violation she's old enough to ponder it. And find an answer.

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  • 2 months ago

    I agree with your advice to her. Time will tell. She may feel different when puberty sets in. The best thing you can do in the meantime is to encourage het to talk about what she is feeling and to maintain friendships with both sexes.

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  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    If it helps I knew since I was 5 I liked boys but I'm still in the closet at 21🙈

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    • Green Brick
      Lv 7
      2 months agoReport

      That is tough, you have to be brave and be yourself and don't let 'haters' get to you, everyone deserves love

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  • Craig
    Lv 4
    2 months ago

    Well, that's a pickle you're in.  She's clearly imitating you, and that's sweet.  But she shouldn't be telling her schoolmates that she's a lesbian.  Now, the problem is that perhaps YOU made a big deal about "coming out", and perhaps she remembers that.  And perhaps YOU are straightforward and not at all shy about telling your acquaintances that YOU are a lesbian. 

    So if you now say that telling people is a bad idea, she's going to think you are saying SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be just like you, (which is all she wants, really.)  Because that's the way little ones think:  They are the center of their universe, so if something unhappy occurs in that universe, it's got to be due to something about THEM.  She'll feel there's something wrong with HER, rather than something not smart about telling people.

    How to avoid this?  Well, you could try telling her that it's just grand that she's discovered this about herself BUT it happens that there's a RULE about coming out, which all older lesbians know - and that is one must wait until her umpteenth birthday before making a public acknowledgement.  Everyone knows this...that is, every older LGBT person knows it.  You then tell her that you can help her plan for her coming out party when the time comes, and maybe she should start saving up ideas for how she wants the party to be, and the two of you can work on it TOGETHER!

    This should get her sidetracked without causing her to feel like her desire to be closer to you (through imitation) is being frustrated.  She'll totally love the idea that you and she can discuss this - to the point that having to put it aside (until whatever birthday you and Dad decide to set as the "umpteenth" arrives won't even be an issue for her.  The truth is she'll probably forget all about this when puberty starts to kick in...but...maybe not.  At least she won't be mortified when she's 12 or 13 about stuff she told every kid in school as a 9 year-old - nor will she have been at risk for bullying quite so much.

    Good luck!

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  • Dr. D
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Tell her you want to be supportive, but she is really too young to know for sure. Tell her just to wait a few years and it will come naturally. It always does. 

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  • patty
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    This church i went to said being gay happens when the child is not well connected and close to the same sex parent when young . did u find this?

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    • Green Brick
      Lv 7
      2 months agoReport

      What do Religious Leaders know anything about sexuality, most of them want to ban it, regardless of which gender your attracted to.  Religion is a SCAM, to believe it is NONSENSE

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  • 2 months ago

    LOOK at the TV shows. LOOK at how cool they are making gays out to be. 911. Gay firemen. Supergirl... Lesbian secret agent sister. No one show has a gay dork, they are all cool people. She is watching those shows and thinks being gay will make her a cool person too. Tell her she can not be sure she is gay until she hits puberty and makes out with a boy a little.

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    • Edna
      Lv 7
      2 months agoReport

      Lauren:  No one has to perform any sort of experiment to know if they're going to be  gay or lesbian. They just KNOW - almost from the day that  they're old enough to know anything, 

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