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Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 1 month ago

Is my boyfriends ex using/taking advantage of him?

I've started dating this man, we've been together for about 6 months. He has children he claimed as his own from his previous relationship (3 years) which ended because he found his ex cheating on him. He does everything he can for these children. If the mom says jump he says how high. He cannot even support himself properly because all of his funds go directly to taking care of these children. He's even had to move back in with his mother. 

The mom seems to always be giving him a hard time about everything. Even threatening to take the kids away from him once she found out we were dating. Sometimes when the children come to my home with him, they say things they get from their mother (i.e "your dad likes to date teenagers" because we have a 6 year age gap, me being 22 him being 28) which I find kind of disrespectful. He doesn't say anything about it. She can freely date anyone and drags the children along to move in with these men, and he doesn't confront her at all about it even when it does bother him. It seems like she has him under her thumb. 

Just seems like he is doing a lot more than what he should be doing, and she's taking advantage of his kindness. Personally, I feel like he should work on himself and be able to at least take care of himself before trying to take care of someone else. Or at least start sticking up for himself. Is there any way I can gently bring these feelings up to him, or should I keep my mouth shut? 

3 Answers

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Sounds like his ex is employing a bit of poisoning and this is probably where the "teenager"comments come in. Of course if you're still with this guy in about four or so years the age difference won't be quite so scandalous. But these two should have long since gone to court to get their custody, visitation and child support situation made formal. No judge would have ordered support so great that this guy couldn't even keep a home. His ex very well may be taking advantage and doing things like threatening to keep the kids from him if he doesn't pay what she demands. This is why smart people get all this ironed out in an official way. You can always suggest that they need to do this in the proper way...but bear in mind you're an outsider to this situation and even mentioning it might just cause him to dump you. Probably a good thing you're still years away from being old enough to marry him because this isn't a good scene and unless he gets it codified to where it's fairer to him he's going to be a terrible catch as a mate.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Poor dude. And poor kids. Clearly he loves his kids a lot, but mom is a bit crazy. I don't think you have any right on tell him him what to do with his children. But voice your concerns on him being taken advantage of and stuff. You did after all go into the relationship knowing he had kids. And typically they do come first.

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  • 1 month ago

    Are you sure you want to stay with him?  It sounds like the whole situation is problematic for you.  He sounds like a really good human being.  He knows the kids mother isn't a very good influence so he has taken on himself to make their life better.  What are you going to tell him:  Stop helping take care of the kids?  I'm pretty sure he'd be gone if you do.  He thinks of them as his own.  So you can't do that nor should you.  And what do you want him to do by "sticking up for himself".

    So stay and keep your mouth shut or leave and find another man without these kinds of responsibilities.

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