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sarah
Lv 4
sarah asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 2 months ago

Do you think it's fair for the bio mom to get to change her mind about adoption after handing over the baby?

Personally, I do not. If a woman spends nine months swearing up and down that she doesn't want to or can't raise a baby for whatever reason and wants to find a family who can give the baby everything he/she deserves and then is willing to go so far as to actually SEND THE CHILD HOME WITH ANOTHER FAMILY, I don't feel like she should have the right to change her mind. It just seems so cruel to me that an adoptive family can spend months excitedly waiting for a baby, jump through all the necessary legal/financial hoops, then actually take a baby home and begin to bond...and then have it all ripped away in the blink of an eye.

I've never personally experienced this, but a friend of mine recently did, and it made me sick. I guess I'm kind of just curious as to what others think about it.

8 Answers

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  • 3 weeks ago

    The mother may not understand what she's promising. Her feelings can change drastically after the baby is born. And yes, it is devastating to the would-be adootive parents, even though they knew all along that this was a possibility. This is why I don't think mothers should make promises before the baby is born. It's fine if she interviews a few different couples and gets to know more about them while she's still pregnant, but in my opinion she should make no decisions or commitments until after the baby is born. 

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  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Adoption agencies usually have a time period for the bio parent and/or the adoptive parent to change their mind about the adoption.  I recently found out that the judge granted my mom & dad a year to keep me and if they changed their minds, the legal adoption would not have gone thru.  

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  • kitta
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    Yes. It is fair. She is the mother. The baby has already started bonding..to her...in the womb. Pregnancy matters. Babies know their mothers at birth.

     "Handing over the baby" has no legal, moral, or ethical significance...because..babies are not simply "handed over" to random people, they must be legally placed for adoption in a legal process.  Only when the legal process has been followed, which takes some time, after birth, is the child adopted.

    If the mother is within her time-frame to change her mind, or if her child has not even been legally surrendered, the mother is still the legal parent and has the right to take the child.I suspect this mother did not understand what she was doing until after her child's birth, when her child was born and then she and her child were separated. This is often when reality sets in. She may also have received poor counseling..or none.Many mothers who consider adoption for their infants never follow through with an adoption plan. I have seen figures from agencies as high as 80 to 90 per cent or more who do NOT follow through with the adoption plan.Hopeful adoptive parents are told this may happen at the outset, so yes, they do know what can happen.

    Source(s): work in adoption law, public policy,
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  • 4Red
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Totally disagree with you

    Not their baby

    Mother has every right to change her mind and keep HER baby

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  • edward
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    i’m guessing you’re not a parent. Just the way you’re talking makes me feel like you’ve never had your own baby in your arms. Anyone entering in that kind if agreement is aware of the kind of situation they are walking into

    • sarah
      Lv 4
      2 months agoReport

      Actually, yes, I AM a parent. I made the decision to take responsibility for my baby the second the test came back positive.

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  • KatieC
    Lv 5
    2 months ago

    I’m going to guess here that you’ve never had a baby based on the way you’re talking. It’s a whole different story once they hand you that baby.

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    • KatieC
      Lv 5
      2 months agoReport

      You don’t understand because you didn’t even attempt to try to understand how a mom could change her mind. You made the decision to take responsibility immediately so you’re just better than a person that would consider adoption, right? 

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  • 2 months ago

    Your friend went into it knowing that was a possible outcome.  If your friend wasn't open to that, he/she shouldn't have been involved with adoption in the first place.  

    When you're pregnant, you have NO IDEA what it'll feel like to hold that baby.  To see that baby.  To bond with that baby.  Of course a woman has a right to change her mind once she sees her baby.  To not leave that option open is what would be cruel. 

    Personally, I'm a big fan of pre-birth family matching.  It saved my sanity when I was pregnant and chose adoption.  If I'd had to wait until the birth to match, I don't know what I would've done.  I *needed* to know who was going to be his family.  I wouldn't even have been capable of making that decision after the birth, and certainly didn't want someone else setting it up for me.   But there were several conversations with both me and the adoptive parents that it was not a guarantee, and that either of us might back out after the birth.  If either of us weren't okay with that, we had the right to withdraw from the match.  

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  • 2 months ago

    I do not like pre-birth matching for exactly this reason. 

    Every single person or couple who plans to adopt an infant  understands from the start that the child's original parents have the option to change their minds at any time up until the legal time period for revocation has passed. I think it is smarter for the child to go temporarily to a foster home until that time period passes so that the situation you describe does not happen.

    Parents can and do change their minds, and they need to have the right to do so.  Imagine telling your child someday, "Yes, your original mother wanted to keep you, but we refused and managed to keep you away from her even though she changed her mind within the legal time limit."

    That would not go well for the adoptive parents.

    Source(s): Adoptee and Adoptive Mom.
    • kitta
      Lv 5
      1 month agoReport

      Agree with you RM.I dislike pre-birth matching. Many first-time moms have no idea how different they will feel until after they give birth! This is true even with moms who are planning to raise their child.

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