Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 week ago

I found out my 10 year old son is not mine, biologically. What do I do.?

I was married to his mom for 10 years (before she got pregnant) and in that time she was on the pill and never wanted to have kids, because when she and I met she already had a 3 year old. So she didn't want any more kids. We got divorced three years after the our son was born. I didn't have any reason to question if he was my son. I never thought he looked like me, but I just thought that he took after his mother's family. 

Fast forward 7 years, I met another woman, she and I get married and we welcomed a little boy into our lives. He looks like both of us. at times he looks like me and times he looks like his my new wife. I told my new wife, that I thought my older son, wasn't mine and she decided that we do a DNA test. She has had her doubts, but she never wanted to say anything. We did the DNA test and he turned out not to be mine. I pay child support for the child, I stopped going to pick him up for my visitation time. I don't know what to do or think. My wife, doesn't know what to do, she comes from a wealthy family, her parents are still happily married and in love. I went and talked to a lawyer but because when my ex wife and I got divorce, I didnt question paternity in the courts eyes, im still his legal father. 

I don't want to have any ties to her or the child. What would you do?

NO I haven't told my ex-wife that I know that the child is not mine.  I have just stopped talking to her, and I changed my number.  

Update:

I did contact an attorney. He told me based on our state laws, I would have had to questioned paternity at the time, my ex-wife and I were getting a divorce. And because the child is 10 years old, they wouldn't change me as the legal father of the child.

Update 2:

I know you all are saying, that I should still continue to love the child. But I can't. I just want my family to actually be my family. I'm sorry. I feel that if I knew that the child wasn't mine, when he was born, it would have been my choice if I wanted to love and stick around and be there, or not.

 My current wife, is being really supportive.She knows this is difficult for me, but she is a saint. She wants to do what will make everyone happy. 

Update 3:

to clear things up, I never stopped paying my child support. I dot want to ruin my life, with the legal issues that would come from that. But I don't want to be responsible to a child that isn't mine. 

31 Answers

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  • 1 week ago
    Favorite Answer

    You know what I think. I think it is utterly unfair for a man to not have a decision in what child he chooses to be with. A woman can kill her kids, but a man can't have the choice to take care of a child that isnt his? Thats Crazy! The mother should be accountable for this issue. She choose to sleep around and she is the reason her son doesnt have a father. Why should YOU be responsible. You didn't sleep around. SHE DID!  

  • 6 days ago

    It obviously isn't fair for you to Pay or have legal responsibilities but if the child has grown up with you as a father and then you never have anything to do with them again that has to be hard on them... not downgrading the unfairness on your part just concerned for the innocent 10 year old.

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  • 1 week ago

    Go on Jerry Springer they love that ****!

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  • GB
    Lv 5
    1 week ago

    OK, I get it. You are hurt about the deception in your first marriage. You have stopped loving a child, on finding you are not his biological father.  Children have a way of blaming themselves when something goes wrong - and it's likely your ex-wife's son thinks he did something very bad for his Dad to stop loving him. Because as far as he knows you are his Dad.  

    You should write a letter, or send an email addressed to both of them, telling them you know you aren't the father, and  tell them about the DNA test.  Tell the boy 'My not wanting anything more to do with you is not your fault. I can't help how I feel, but bare you no ill will. Your mother deceived me.'

    I also suggest that  you get a DNA test for your younger son.  If  you have been deceived a second time, the sooner you find out the better.

    • GB
      Lv 5
      6 days agoReport

      I meant bear you no ill will.

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  • 1 week ago

    Divorce the cheater. and DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT PAY HER CHILD SUPPORT.. 

    DO NOT BE A FOOL LIKE MANY WILL SAY,  

    DO NOT TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL THE SUPPORT of another's kids which is not yours.. DIVORCE HER..

    DO NOT WORRY about the bunch of loosers who will say.. step up and take the child as your own like you have for the last 10 years.. TELL THE KID THE TRUTH.. BE A MAN KICK HER OUT.

    TELL THE KID... SHE ******* SOMEONE ELSE and YOUR NOT THE DADDY.. IT'S better for him to lean it now then later.

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  • 1 week ago

    I'd sue your ex wife!

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  • BOOM
    Lv 7
    1 week ago

    You seem to have no shortage of good answers here and I agree with those that pointed out that ignoring or disowning the boy is cruel on your part. 

    I always believed that we are to love our children unconditionally from the start. If your child is.. sigh.. a Yankees fan and you love the Mets - you still love him. If your son fails math and you're a mathematician, you still love him. If your daughter says she kissed a girl and she liked it, you still love her. If your son turns out not to be your biological child, you still love him and treat him no differently. 

    And for his sake, you do the honorable thing and suffer in silence. I wouldn't even waste time confronting your selfish, irresponsible ex-wife. Let your son figure out for himself the outrageousness of her behavior. If you do that - then YOU are hero. Otherwise you're just another jerk and maybe the kid grows up angry and has problems with the law. Or never has a good relationship himself. 

    Unfortunately, the day will come when he will need to be told because as a young adult he will need to know the medical history of his biological father's family. But until that day comes - just be a dad.

    • had the same problem, she is 43 and she is mine and love her as mine no problem

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  • 1 week ago

    I think you really owe it to this child (who is innocent in this) to let your ex know that you did a paternity test and you aren't the father of the child. To just simply disappear after being a father for ten years is really a jerk move... this is a child who has known you as his father for all of his life and you are suddenly refusing to have anything to do with him. Can you just step into his shoes and take perspective for a moment? No, what your ex did was not at all acceptable and you have every right to be angry at her... furious with her. Just consider what this could do to this child who has not done anything.

  • Eva
    Lv 7
    1 week ago

    And what about your son? You're the only father he's ever known and now you've abandoned him. He doesn't deserve that.

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  • Anonymous
    1 week ago

    Find a good therapist.  The fact that you can suddenly stop loving this child and blame them for not being your biological offspring indicates that you have some serious issues.  

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