Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingParenting · 10 months ago

When talking about children with your potential spouse, is it wrong to make gender a huge criteria?

Is someone REALLY wanted a son or daughter in the future, would it be wrong to make this a big deal when talking about having children with their partner? Like can they plan to "try until they have a boy/girl"? Would it be wrong to leave your partner JUST because they don't agree to this?

I'm just asking since having children is considered the biggest decision couples make and I honestly think things like this should be considered.


Honestly, I just thought it was completely normal and human to want a specific gender. And I think there are a LOT of reasons why someone would want a specific gender preference. Isn't that the reason why gender preference is an option when adopting a child?

Update 2:

Believe me, I know what it's like to have a parent with preconceived ideas of a certain gender. And my relationship with said parent was terrible for several years because of it. I'm open-minded to letting my children be who they are. But aren't certain parent-child relationships special depending on what genders they are (mother/son, father/daughter)? Is it wrong to want one of these special relationships?

9 Answers

  • Faithe
    Lv 6
    10 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    Anything that is very important to either potential spouse must be discussed. If this is important to you, and trying until you get the chlld of the gender you want is important, you MUST find someone who feels the same.

    A couple of pointers you didn't ask about but might be interested in:

    I don't know if you're a male or a female. The tendency to have children of a certain gender runs in certain male sides of the family. If the male parent-to-be is one of several brothers, whose grandfather and great-grandfather also had mostly boys, whoever that person marries will have a greater likelihood of having boys. Same thing about any one male's family's tendency to have mostly girls or track record of having about 50/50.

    Many people THINK they will much prefer a child of a certain gender and then have what they have and fall completely in love and no longer care about the gender...although, considering how very strongly you seem to feel, maybe you should spend some time volunteering with children of both genders before marrying to see if you think there's a decent chance you'll change your mind. This is definitely something the other person needs to agree on, because to keep having child after child after child until you have one of the preferred gender will mean your finances will be stretched and stretched and stretched...And you have to keep in mind you can't discard these relatively unwanted children. If you don't think you'll have it in your heart to love them all equally, maybe you should forget about having biological children and just adopt. (But finding a potential spouse who wants that will also be difficult.)

  • Suzy Q
    Lv 7
    10 months ago

    Of course it's not wrong to leave a partner who is clearly not on the same page when it comes to planning a family.

    And that goes both ways. If my husband had insisted on plans to use me as a brood mare for just as many times as it would take for me to pop out a child of the right gender, I would never have married him. 

  • 10 months ago

    Nothing wrong with anything your saying!! Male is male and female is female, no disagreeing. This worlds gone mad. Yes the bond between a girl and her father is a different special bond. And so for the bond between a bo and his mother. The bonds are all different, who knows why. They just are.

  • edward
    Lv 7
    10 months ago

    You can heighten the chances of having a specific gender or you can even make it a sure thing these days with medical advances. Except my co worker...she’s tried everything and she has 3 boys, maybe her husband doesn’t produce female sperm cells

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  • LizB
    Lv 7
    10 months ago

    It's fine to hope for a son/daughter, but ultimately you're going to get the kid you get and you have to be happy with it. If you could never be happy having only kids of the "wrong" gender, then do the world a favor and don't reproduce at all.

  • 10 months ago

    Being that obsessed with having a child of a particular gender that someone would want to keep having children until he or she got the gender he or she wanted is not a normal thing for a parent, no. My guess would be that parent would have some particular emotional need to have a boy or girl, and would have preconceived ideas of what that child would be like, would like to do, etc. which could be detrimental to that child.

    For instance, when we had daughters, I imagined that they would like having their hair fixed, and would want to wear cute clothes. Instead, we had to cut our now 27 year old daughter's hair short when she was three years old because trying to do anything with it was such an ordeal it wasn't worth it, and our now 24 year old daughter didn't want to wear anything but blue or gray for a solid year - so much for "cute clothes".

    Adoptive parents typically *don't* specify gender if they are adopting an infant - there are too few infants available for adoption for parents to specify gender. A parent who is adopting an older child or sibling group as a single parent *might* specify gender just because he or she might feel more equipped to raise a girl as a woman, or a boy as a man since another parent won't be available.

  • Anonymous
    10 months ago

    If someone is really that set on having a child of a certain gender - that would be a red flag for ME to end the relationship with THEM.

    If a couple wants to make that kind of agreement - try until they have a certain gender - and both agree to it - that is their business.  But they better have a good income and a big house because they could have a dozen children or more before they naturally have the gender they wanted.  

    And yes - it is normal to want a specific gender.  Most women will usually want a little girl and most men will usually want a little boy.  (of course - there are always exceptions)  

    BUT - it is NOT NORMAL to be so set on having that gender that you would be willing to have multiple children just trying to get that gender.  There is usually ALSO a NUMBER limit.  YOU CAN NOT CONTROL WHAT GENDER YOU GIVE BIRTH TO.  Gender is a preference in ADOPTION because you CAN have a CHOICE.

  • 10 months ago

    Since you have no control over it, seems a silly thing to make a huge criteria. I wouldn't be that excited about having an indeterminate amount of kids just to get one or the other.

  • 10 months ago


    Having a preference is normal. Making gender so important that you're willing to end a relationship isn't.

    A gender preference this strong will likely have you abusing a child of the "wrong" gender.

    The adoptive parents I've known had a preference but also made it absolutely clear that they would love and welcome any child. 

    If gender is that important you don't want a child. You want a toy.

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