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Anonymous
Anonymous asked in TravelUnited StatesDallas · 4 months ago

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE - College Ending?

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and we attend college in Nebraska. I graduated last month and she graduates in May, and I have gone back to Chicago where I am from, she is from LA. Currently, I'm interviewing for a job in Dallas, Texas, and she plans to go to graduate school. We had always talked about this and she said that she would be open to moving to Dallas if I got the job and pursuing her masters there. I originally had always planned to move to LA even before I met her, but I thought it might be a bit expensive, and I thought she wanted to get away from home, so I proposed Dallas could be a new city where we can both start a journey together. Now, she is saying she is too scared to move to Dallas and she wants to stay at home in LA where her mom is (single mother, they are very close). This has changed everything...a partial reason I chose Dallas is because it has both good job opportunities and also good programs for her masters. I'm torn now, because I really don't care where I end up, but now switching to moving to LA again feels like I'm moving for her solely. I know we are young, but if I wasn't serious about this woman being a potential life partner I wouldn't be having this discussion. It seems like the only options now are either she moves to Dallas, I move to LA, we do long distance, or we break up. Does anyone have some advice here?

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  • 4 months ago

    One step at a time.  There are some pretty big issue here and you need to work through them separately.

    1. Where you end up.  Look at jobs in LA or the LA area or San Diego. Look at jobs in Chicago or anywhere else you'd like to live. Ultimately, you need to find a job you want to do and at which you can make a living.  Rather than be freaked out, look at this as an opportunity to expand your job search.  You don't have options if you don't at least look.

    2. A reality here is that your girlfriend is too immature at this point to behave like a grown-up who is ready to start her adult life and put your relationship as a top priority. She is more invested in her relationship with her mother than in her relationship with you.  Maybe that will change and maybe it won't.  

    3. There are thousands of couples who face the same dilemma you are facing whether it is job prospects or grad school.  Couples who are well-established and committed to each other can find ways to live apart for a couple of years while the each pursue certain goals -- but they are also planning on how they will come back together.  Other couples simply don't have the ability to keep the fires burning if they don't see each other all the time.  Only the two of you know where you sit on this spectrum.

    4. There's nothing "wrong" with moving to LA if you find a job that is a good fit with a salary that works for you. Don't take a job that you hate for a salary you can't live on just to be near your girlfriend.  See the difference?

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  • 4 months ago

    This is a travel question?

    Really you have only TWO options of ALL the possible cities and towns in the country? Just two?

     I'm interviewing for a job in Dallas

    I guess that guarantees you will be moving in next week?

     I originally had always planned to move to LA even before I met her.

     I'm torn now, because I really don't care where I end up, but now switching to moving to LA again feels like I'm moving for her solely.

    REALLY you are confused.

     I know we are young, but if I wasn't serious about this woman being a potential life partner I wouldn't be having this discussion.

    As I will not be living with either of you what does my opinion matter? Suggest you and future partner discuss the many alternate options that could happen. You may discover  some other place suitable for both of you. Hundreds of places between Dallas, Chicago and LA.

    she wants to stay at home in LA where her mom is (single mother, they are very close).

    So you will be having her mom over for dinner daily, weekly ,monthly or a few times per year? Will her mom be doing the laundry too?

      I guess your mom will not want any attention ever.

    MOST in your age group are moving about every ten years. You have five or six moves  on average.You are allowed to change your mind and address years from now to go to the then currently more better place for the personal situation you both have at that time..

    There are about 4,500 Colleges and Universities and you have checked them ALL and have a guaranteed admission for future study to which ONE?

    So when the graduate level class ends you must move next to Campus? The job will be only near Campus?

    You are not ready to be partners at this moment lots to work out beyond the location of your bedroom.

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  • drip
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    Living in LA is awful. Go where you get the best job offer and YOU like the area. LA salary doesn’t begin to compensate for the cost of living.   I would definitely go with the Dallas job if it offered to you. 

    It is too soon to get engaged. 

    See where the relationship goes with living in two different cities.  Sounds like she isn’t close to committing to you. And 8 months together isn’t that long.

    Plan out a visit during her winter break. Perhaps staying with will ease her concerns with moving. 

    But you need to discuss her ever moving away from her mother.  

    I have a couple of relatives in LA and have visited there. Just too expensive. Check out costs of small homes in decent area! And I wouldn’t want to put up with the smog and traffic there. And I am from Chicago and use to traffic

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  • 4 months ago

    I wouldn't let the cost of living in LA deter you. Companies tend to compensate based on the cost of living for the location you are in.  You should expect that you would be paid more for the same job in LA vs other lower cost of living locations.  You can go to the website indeed.com and compare what the average pay range is for the job your pursuing in Dallas vs LA or any other city.  

    You should do what's right for you.  I wouldn't make any hard and fast decisions regarding the relationship, just let it play out. 

    I would prefer LA over Dallas as a place to live.  

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    • I Like Stories
      Lv 7
      4 months agoReport

      The company I worked for (in high tech) did adjust compensation based location.  The company had engineering facilities in Boston, San Jose and Richardson, TX (suburb of Dallas), a sw developer at the same level in San Jose or Boston was paid significantly more than one in Richardson.  

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  • 4 months ago

    since you wanted to go to LA anyway, I think that would be the place to go. See how things work out and you would have everything. If after awhile things got unhappy, you are still where you wanted to be.

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  • Lili
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    I think you should test the relationship.  Having lived in LA, I can tell you I'm not crazy about it, and I didn't like living there solely for my husband's job.  If I were you, I'd pursue the Dallas job and see whether you two can work out a long-distance relationship for a while.  If you two really want to be together, you'll figure this out. If you're not meant to be, the relationship will peter out.

    Of course, you might not get the Dallas job, so you'll have to reconsider, but if you do, don't give it up.  

    To be frank: You are both very young, and she sounds especially immature at this point.  I am of the opinion that you shouldn't make major life decisions, such as marriage, under the age of 25.  You really need to let this relationship mature or die, and it's going take some time to find out which it will be.

    Good luck.

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