Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 4 weeks ago

How To Get My Husband Back? ?

My husband cheated on me numerous times with numerous different women. I know he has demons he’s fighting with drugs and infidelity and it got to a point where I couldn’t take it any more and moved out. I haven’t spoken to him and he hasn’t contacted me. I want him back but I realize that I need to love him unconditionally. I have realized he may never changed but I made a vow to him and I want to honor that even though he wouldn’t do it for me. How do I stay and be the support he needs to change without being disrespected. I was moved out of the house but I have been thinking about going over to the house to cook, set his clothes out, clean and pack his lunch while he’s at work. I know that sounds silly because he doesn’t deserve it but I’m hoping he will see that I still care and start to think about his behavior. Is this a good idea or should I just go no contact.

A little background is we have been married 2 years, he’s had a baby on me, and he’s cheated our entire marriage. He also has impulse and substance abuse issues. We are both 29. Why am I deciding to stay (but leave)? Because I want him to love me. I want to be there for him. I want to be the type of woman that doesn’t leave when things get rough but that also stands her ground. He’s made mistakes but I love him and although now I don’t really feel like he loves me I’m hoping he does. 

Update:

It’s interesting that I am being viewed as desperate to get my HUSBAND back. I really care and love him deeply and I don’t want to give up on him so have a heart when responding please 

Update 2:

Also to my knowledge he only does cocaine on the weekend 

37 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    3 weeks ago
    Favorite Answer

    First of all thank you for being vulnerable, a lot of people can be rude and mean but you are NOT desperate.

    You’re just going through a hard time. You gave yourself to this man fully and made a vow and now you just want to fix it because you love him. So many people think it’s just so simple leaving someone you love dearly, but it is not.

    I do wonder a few things about your question. I wonder if he has apologized for his infidelity issues before? Has he ever shown you any effort to change? Because it takes two to make a relationship healthy. If you have one good egg and one spoiled egg and you try to make an omelette, the meal is still bad.

    It takes two. And I would hate for you to get sick from his infidelity or substance abuse issue. If he’s sleeping with different women you should get checked. 

    I personally think that you should give yourself time to think about if HE is truly what is best for your life and why. Pray on it, sleep on it, whatever you do to reflect...just do that. 

    If you are able to, I think you should sit with him and have a real conversation about what he’s doing it and how badly it’s affecting your marriage. If he doesn’t understand and try to change or respect the vows you took then you may have to take a leap of faith and move on. Always take care of yourself first, no matter how hard that may seem.

    • M.
      Lv 7
      2 weeks agoReport

      It takes TWO to make a relationship, but, 
      It only takes ONE to wreck it.

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  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    Looks like you two need to talk.  You can't sleep with him unless you use condoms but you should go back you don't know if he's already moved someone else in there...and that is your home just as much as his.

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  • 4 weeks ago

    he made the right choice

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  • 4 weeks ago

    Either this is a bogus question.........or the person asking has some terrible self esteem.   Maybe you love this person, but there are many others out there who would likely be a much better catch for you.  Change is hard....and it takes time,  but for you to end up happy, you need to go through that.   Your job is to take a path that makes YOU happy, not your ex husband. Its his job to take a path that will make HIM happy,   and he has not been doing that at all.  Only over the top self indulgance

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    The bottomline is that until he gets sober no one can have a real and honest relationship with him. Don't be a martyr. You can urge him into treatment but you can't just enable this.

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  • 4 weeks ago

    You guys sound like a couple of hood rats 

    • cassidy4 weeks agoReport

      Thanks Xavier

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  • 4 weeks ago

    Lady I hate to say this but you got to be a masochist to even consider putting yourself back into this chaos. I'm more concerned about you having a mind at all than about my heart. He is not going to do anything for you only himself. I don't believe than he only uses cocaine on the weekends, he'll use it anytime he can get his hands on it but it is your life and you're going to do what you please so go ahead and waste your life for this piece of trash.

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  • 4 weeks ago

    Seek counseling for your lack of self esteem, codependency issues, to help get past this. You’re further ahead than you believe, to have left. He obviously has issues you hadn’t created, can’t fix, and you’re wasting precious time being loved and appreciated by someone you deserve.

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  • blank
    Lv 5
    4 weeks ago

    What I am going to say, you probably do not want to hear - but I honestly think it is best for you.  It is intended to help, not hurt.

    While your desire to honor a vow you made is admirable - that vow is supposed to be reciprocal.  YOU deserve to be treated just as nice and good and supportive as he does.  

    While you made a vow to weather all things until death do you part, there are some demons you are not expected to bear and should not try to do so.

    You may be the strongest woman on the planet, but it is not fair for your to bear and you cannot fix his demons.  You can be just as supportive as a friend, but freed from being dumped on as a wife.

    Suggestions (respectfully):

    - get yourself checked immediately for STDs.   IF he has been cheating and drug using you are at EXTREME RISK for infection.

    - go to counseling.   Work with a licensed professional to understand a) why you feel so strongly the way you do, b) if there is a better way to approach this.

    - Once you better understand your motives, then insist he go to counseling too:  a) he checks into rehab - and completes it.  He gests sober.  b) he goes to marriage counseling with you to improve himself and your marriage.

    - speak to an attorney about how to protect yourself IF a divorce becomes necessary.   You do NOT have to go down that road right away - but PLEASE see someone about how to best protect yourself and your future should the worst come to pass.

    Honestly you should NOT be tolerating his behavior.  It is toxic and unhealthy for you (and him) and any kids you might end up having.   Ignoring his behavior and just making his lunch and doing is laundry and cooking his meals will solve nothing.   He needs help, but just being there and doing those things will only tell him what he is doing is "okay" and it is totally not.

    Best of luck to you in what ever you decide.   I hope you reach out and get some support for him and yourselves rather than chosing to go back to the status quo.  You made the right choice in leaving imo - do not start second guessing yourself now. 

    • ...Show all comments
    • Barb Outhere
      Lv 7
      4 weeks agoReport

      Until HE chooses to get that help she needs to be away from him. If not for her own sake then for the child's.

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  • 4 weeks ago

    He sounds pretty hopeless to me. He needs to kick the addiction before his TRUE SELF is back.

    No one is themselves when they are doing drugs, drinking or abusing substances all the time.

    Ask yourself if love is enough? It was never enough for me. There is a lot more to a healthy, thriving relationship than just love.

    And stop doing things for this guy. He's a grown up, he can fix his own lunch

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  • Eva
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    What is wrong with you? He loves his drugs and his other women, not you. You should be glad to be away from that hot mess. You've not going to "save" him. Move on and leave him behind.

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