Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 3 weeks ago

Husband isn’t satisfying me and told me to find someone else? I don’t know what to do?

My husband and I have been married for about 6 months. I think I was too infatuated with him when we met to realize this but he is not very affectionate and it deeply hurts me. He does show that he cares about me. Like if I mention I like something, he will make a point to buy it for me. He is my best friend. He can be great at conversation, he’s smart, has a good, dry sense of humor. When he’s not working, we spend most of our time at home together. So, it’s not like he doesn’t want to be around me. We have sex about every other day. But outside of sex, he doesn’t want to touch me. The only time we really kiss is before we have sex. He doesn’t hold my hand or hug. Even cuddling, he will let me lay on him or wrap my arms around him but he won’t really hold me. He might drape an arm over me. He told me cuddling makes him feel claustrophobic so he basically just does it for me. He rarely ever says he loves me. And I’ve told him how it hurts me and tried to talk to him about therapy and he refuses. He says it’s not how he is. We had a fight about it and I asked him if he loved me at all. He looked..dumbstruck. He was like why would you even ask me that? Of course. It was like he genuinely didn’t get it. And I told him if he won’t say he loved me that someone else would. That’s when he said I could go find an extramarital partner to give me what I want. That he’d rather I do that then leave him. But I don’t really want to be with someone else, I want my husband to be enough. 

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    3 weeks ago

    If this were just a mismatch of needs the typical advice would be to try to comprise. But if he's already throwing in the towel (which is what "go find a lover" means) the issues run deeper. You obviously need marriage counseling but even before that your husband needs to get into solo therapy to figure out why he'd rather see you in the arms of another man than to subject himself to real intimacy. Telling you you jumped the gun on marrying this person would be pointless as it seems you already know that.

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  • 3 weeks ago

    OUCH! Sort of a bait and switch. You liked him enough that you wed him. Six months later you are threatening him with replacement. And you appear to firmly believe that HE is the problem. While you were "infatuated" with him... was it long enough for you to have gotten to know him? It would seem he had no idea that him loving you, your company and sex several times a week would not be satisfying. But, regardless, you have decided that it's not.

    I had to carefully teach my husband to say, "you enrich my life". And I did that by saying it to him. The "I love you" tumbling easily and daily out of his mouth took years. But he was able to master "you enrich my life" much more easily because he'd never said that to anyone before. He'd told numerous other women that he loved them and it didn't hold a whole lot of meaning. It does now!. It didn't then and he didn't want to put me in the same category with those other women. I grew to cherish the term, "you enrich my life". It's pretty cool.

    Therapy is often a good idea. Sometimes it's just as good for one of the spouses as it'd be if both went. If he won't go, take yourself! Give this another 6 months and see if you view it differently. In the meantime, try not to put your spouse down and intentionally undermine his self confidence and identity. He's certainly not intentionally doing that to you.

    Bottom line is that you both are who you are. That does not mean you won't both grow and change a lot through the years. But if you've already made up your mind that he is unsatisfactory... counseling will aid you in dealing with the dissolve as much as it possibly could have aided you in the bonding.

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  • 3 weeks ago

    If you don't know what to do then you don't love him. Because If you loved him, you would know to stay with him and work things out together (as a couple!)

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  • 3 weeks ago

    Only 6 months and you are already here?  Wow your dude sucks.  Find a real man that can handle 20 years or more of marriage prison then you can complain.  6 months is nothing.

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  • 3 weeks ago

    This falls under the category of:  You knew who he was when you married him.  Seriously though, you knew this so why did you expect him to change?  You marry someone because you love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.  You cannot, nor will you change your husbands cold behavior.  I know this because my ex wife was exactly like your describing, it never got better it only got worse.

    If affection and closeness is what you need then you need to accept you wont get in the way you feel you need it.  I repeat:  You will not change him.  You were doomed in this marriage before you started because he was never going to be able to meet your needs for affection.  I am sorry, but it may be time to seriously consider contacting a divorce attorney and admitting you made a mistake, especially since he isn't even willing to work on it and it is ok with you having some sort of affair.  That isn't healthy at all neither is his physical and emotional distance.  

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