How can I help my mom see dating a guy way too young for her (41 vs 24) is probably a big mistake? pts to best answer?
My mom recently told me that she's started dating a guy whom I found out is almost half her age(she's 41 and he's 24)I tried to act happy about it at the time because I didn't know what to say, but I'm worried that my mom isn't thinking straight/having midlife crisis.I guess it isn't impossible that they could have a good relationship,but such a huge age difference is a big red flag. They've got to be in way different places in life, even if he is mature there is probably still some maturity gap,if he wants kids (I don't know if he does)it is likely going to be an issue, and he's actually closer to my age then hers (I'm 19). I think (whether consciously or not)she's trying to pursue someone opposite of what she ended up divorcing my dad over (stern, controlling, etc. The younger guy is more free and fun).I also think she might be thinking with her crotch more than her head. He is a physically attractive guy and(even though she tries to hide it from me/thinks I can't hear) I know she very much enjoys the sexual part of their relationship. I know it's my mom's life, but I feel that more likely than not this will end in heartbreak and/or other problems for her. I feel like the only realistic way for her to(realistically) have a happy relationship is for her to be with a guy at least close to her age.I know sometimes age difference may work out, but that's very much an exception. How can I talk to my mom about this/help her
- chris nLv 71 month agoFavorite Answer
Have a heart to heart with your mother about it. Tell her it takes at least 3 years to get over a divorce and you are worried she's gone off the rails. Tell her you are happy that she's happy dating this younger guy and enjoying a sex life again and having fun - but tell her you are worried that she's going to end up with a broken heart if it all goes pear-shaped. Tell her to use contraception and do nothing hasty if she falls in love with him and ask her not to allow him to live in the house with you and her. You don't want him around 24/7 do you. Let her go out and have her fun and bring him home overnight (it's her house so her rules) but let her know that although you are happy for her to play the field and have a new and exciting life, tell her you are worried she's going to jump into a new, deep relationship far too quickly before she's regained her equilibrium from breaking up with your father. If it ends in heartbreak (it may not) - you'll just have to be there to pick up the pieces. You are in no position to advise her but you can show her that you are there for her whatever she chooses to do. Don't alienate her. She's had a rough few years and is kicking over the traces for a while.
- blankLv 51 month ago
First off - kudos for caring about your mum. Second, she is an adult and gets to make her own decisions.
Short of doing a background check on this guy to ensure her safety, there really is not much you can do. Yes, it sounds like she is over reacting to a negative marriage, but that is her choice.
Be supportive. You can do that by not being negative. You don't have to lie to her and say you agree with her choices, but you are realistic in that they are hers to make. Tell her nothing more than you are just concerned about her long term well being and happiness, don't see this as a means to that end, but love her and are there for her no matter what she decides.
You may find out she is CHOSING to have some fun and whatnot. It will play itself out and she will move on.
Last thing you want to do is strain your relationship with her or burn bridges. While it may be hard to watch - just be vigilant on her behalf and otherwise "neutral" is my advise.
- EvaLv 71 month ago
Leave mom alone. This is her "transitional" man. She probably won't stay with him, and just needs to have fun for awhile. She's been married most of her adult life and needs to reconnect with who she is.
- RPLv 71 month ago
If you were your mom, would you be receptive to "advice" that was unsolicited and, quite likely, unwelcome? Age alone may be an indicator of something, but it is seldom conclusive or decisive. People the exact same age can have vast differences based primarily on differences in maturity. If you try to lecture your mom on how to behave, you are probably not going to be effective, but, if you take an inquisitive approach, rather than a critical one, you may have some impact, although overcoming your mom's hormones, as well as mature judgment, is a momentous task. Rather that rebuking her, you might share your concerns and questions and, in doing so, ask for her reassurance, as your mother, that your fears and worries are both unnecessary and misplaced. If you are to have any impact on her, this may be your best tactic. In other words, make your remarks about you, as a caring daughter, and NOT about her, as an irresponsible mom.
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- Anonymous1 month ago
You feel a need to announce that the best answer will get 10 points? Isn’t that a given?
What is your experience in the “dating scene?” At 19 I was in college, out of my mother’s house, working part time and living my own life. If my mother was having sex with someone “almost half her age,” I didn’t know about it.
“They’ve GOT to be in different places” sounds like a guess. It’s probably true, but, it’s your guess.
Much of what you’ve posted is from the perspective of a 19-year old. Maybe he’ll want children; maybe she’s looking for the exact opposite of your father; maybe the new bf is more “free and fun” (however freedom enters into this); maybe it’s all about sex (don’t want to hear Mommy having sex? THEN MOVE OUT OF HER HOUSE); maybe the relationship will end in heartbreak; how can you HELP your mother?
You can start by minding your own business. I strongly suggest that she’s doing just fine without your help.