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Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsWeddings · 2 months ago

Did your family insist on his side of the family paying a dowry? In my culture they do it but my fiancés family took great offense?

I was born and raised in a western country but my family still retains some traditions from the old country. I met a wonderful man from Bosnia who is also like me. Raised in the west but still from another culture. We both kind of felt different from most westerners. We dated for 18 months before we got engaged, and then he met my parents. It all went well, they liked him, and it was no problem. The next big step was for our parents to meet and discuss the wedding and things like that. I never imagined it would be an issue. In our culture the man's family usually pays a dowry. They don't have those things in their culture anymore. They are far more progressive than we are. I talked to my dad about it beforehand and explained this to him and told him to go easy on some traditional things.

We started talking about the dowry and it quickly took a downturn. His parents took great offense. His father said: "So let me see if I get this straight. You want us to pay for the wedding, give a traditional wedding gift in gold, pay a $15,000 dowry, then they need help with the down payment for an apartment. You are putting a lot of value on your daughter. He needs to bring all of these things to the marriage and your family brings what exactly?"

Safe to say that things didn't go well. I was furious with my dad. We talked about them paying a symbolic sum of money, not $15,000. Now our families are arguing. I don't know what to do?

13 Answers

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  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    IMO you should be paying for your own wedding.  Neither parent should be footing the bill or giving you extra money unless they choose to do so - not a mandatory thing.  So talk to both sets of parents and explain you don't expect them to pay anything for the wedding unless they choose to help you out.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Time to elope and move far, far away from both your families.

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  • 2 months ago

    We are in the year 2020 not in the old country times.

    You tell your father that you don't expect your fiance's family to pay a dowry and leave it at that. If you do not have the money to throw yourself a wedding, then elope.

    You have every right to be upset with your dad. I would go to your future in-laws and apologize on your father's behalf and state that this was none of your idea and you disagree with it and expect them to pay nothing.

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  • drip
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    I understand tradition. But do you want to be paid for? A dowry is a thing of the past. It is no longer valid and there is no use for it in today’s age.

    I would be telling me son to really give thought to marrying into your family. I would not be paying anything for you. 

    His family doesn’t need to argue about this, they can just say No.

    You two are old enough to to get married. 

    Then pay for  your own apartment. Pay for your own wedding. Leave the families out of the planning and cost.  

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  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    I get it that you love your family & respect their cultural origins...

    but OMG! you really need to remind your Dad that you're living in the 21st Century West & tell him to stop acting like some kind of savage trying to sell you as if you were a whore being traded for a herd of goats or something! ,,BTW In the 'West' traditionally it's the "Bride's" family that pays for the frkn wedding, & gifts may be expected but they're still optional and asking for Money as prerequisite for Marriage or even Mentioning it is just plain frkn TACKY because in the 'West' it kind of implies that somebody's A$S is being bartered!

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  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    Aren't you supposed to give a dowry and he gives a bride price.  Each of your families is supposed to get gifts...not just your family.  This is not a one sided thing.

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  • 2 months ago

    If you live in the US just tell your folks to forget it, you and him will make your own way. Is everything supposed to go to your family or you and your husband? That sort of sounds like they are selling you to them.

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  • 2 months ago

    Money can make people ugly. Tell your dad you are not property to be bought and sold, and if he doesn't drop it, he won't get to see his grandchildren.

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  • 2 months ago

    Pay for wedding yourselves no need to mooch of either sldes famiily. The guys family clearly don’t value you much

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  • 2 months ago

    Elope...........

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