zap asked in Social SciencePsychology · 1 month ago

Can someone explain the “logic” behind the cliche advice, “you have to love yourself before others can love you” ?

PLEASE READ ALL or don't answer- 

I ask this as a depressed and lonely man who has been seeing shrinks for years and getting this advice. I hate those words and cant understand them. They just do not make sense to me. Im an Empirical thinker, for me there needs to be precedence for a statement to be logical, and the phrase is about as far from logical to me. I have had low self esteem for a long time due to bullying, i have no confidence and have never been on a date with a woman because of social anxiety fear of rejection and the sad fact Im a very shallow man with a high desire for some one with great physical looks, I'm also fat and ugly.

My logic is that - others must love me first in order for me to believe that i am worth loving myself. If no one loves me or likes me than logically it follows i must not be lovable or likable for some reason; thus there is no evidence that i am loveable or like-able and thus i can not love or like myself because there is no proof. I.E. the lack of interest that woman have in me and others in general, is PROOF that i am fundamentally not lovable or like-able, ergo it would be illogical for me to love myself when there is no empirical evidence showing i am lovable or like-able.No therapist I've had has been able to grasp this.

I appreciate any thoughtful answers, and will pick a best answer. I've more or less given up on shrinks being able to help me. Next stop is Suicide.  Tired of being lonely and never able to change my thinking

5 Answers

Relevance
  • Anonymous
    1 month ago
    Favorite Answer

    Think of dating like advertisement. If a salesman hated his own merchandise and talked shît about it, would you be tempted to buy from him? Probably not. See yourself in a positive light. You conduct yourself differently around others when you love yourself and what you have to offer, and you attract more people as a result. When you love yourself, you’re also better at setting boundaries, maintaining your standards and being bold in love because you intrinsically know that you have value regardless of whatever happens 

    Remember that self confidence comes from the self. It starts from within, it is not dependent on others’ perceptions of you 

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 1 month ago

    Did not read all per your command. However loving yourself is a myth. Doesn't exist, can't be done. Might as well say I want to go out for a drive, but without a car.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Poor Shrinks wasting their time with you, took your money and didn’t even love you. Let’s be honest, we don’t either and can’t because you don’t understand what Love is and is not. Of course it does mean you are unlovable. It’s like a bad odor that repels. You are a prisoner of your own thinking, the negativity you feed your mind changed your chemistry and clogged your brain until it became like a polluted swamp. No one can clean up your over flowing swamp but you. You can always drain the swamp and fill it with living thoughts. The process will take time but what can grow there can make you flourish and attract other living things to a favorable environment, you. We are living entities responsible for our being, from the things we eat, our thoughts and our environment. When you know your body and mind is your temple and treat it as such..the soul opens up to Love. It is always present.

    I am love 

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 1 month ago

    Its just psychological thinking to boost your mental capacity to a positive level with you as the beneficiary of course.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • j153e
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Being patient with yourself, being kind with yourself, is respecting yourself and loving yourself.

    You could talk with a caring counselor at https://www.hopefortheheart.org and https://www.befrienders.org and http://klove.com (1-800-525-LOVE).

    "For Couples Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn and "Understanding Yourself" by Mark Prophet are worthwhile.

    Also, keeping a cat or dog is positive; they care and you'll feel better about yourself.

    • Login to reply the answers
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.