How should I approach the issue of visitation with my child’s father? ?
I am a single mother of a 3 year old and was never married. My daughters father used to visit twice a week but then moved three hours away because “he wanted to live his life”. (His words) He visits once a month if that. When he does it’s only 3-4 hours. He says that he loves his daughter but if he truly did wouldn’t he do everything in his power to be an active parent? I’m wondering if these once a month visits are doing more harm than good. He calls three times a week as well. Would it be better to just not have him around since he really isn’t anyway? Or should I let him visit once a month and continue to call her? I’m not sure what the best choice is. Obviously I want to make the best choice for my daughter.
- chris nLv 73 months agoFavorite Answer
He's not in your hair if he's 3 hours away and I'm assuming he's a responsible father and pays for his daughter's upkeep. Once a month isn't too arduous to put up with having him around for 4 hours and if your daughter is happy to see him which I presume she is, then I'd leave matters as they are - at least for the time being. He speaks with her 3 times a week so he obviously doesn't want her to forget him and to know he's her 'real' daddy. If/when you decide to set up home with another man who will become her step-daddy and perhaps take over the financial support of both you and your daughter, you'll have to see how she feels about having two men in her life and what to call both of them. If he's paying for her and they get on well, it would be a little unfair to both of them to sever the connection. He doesn't want to live with you and bring her up (or maybe he'd like her to live with him.....but not you....which isn't going to happen) and wants a separate life from you and an arm's length daughter. Many men would have abandoned you both and he seems to want to stick around - at least in her life - so I'd do nothing at present. Don't slag him off to her. Let her make her own mind up about him as she grows up.
- PearlLv 73 months ago
maybe he cant afford to travel every wk
- something fishyLv 73 months ago
Well he is trying tp make an effort and I'd go with it.
Once a week is better than nothing although calling all week is not necessary.
Id set up a video chat every wednesday at a good time...6pm..then he sees talks shares...you dont have to do much them
With the visit and phone chat that would work until he got tired or inconsistent
Now he needs to pay something $100 for food for child per month and $100 for clothes, necessaries per month would be a bargain and he should take her shopping anf buy shoes and a coat seasonally...that's a cheap rate so he xan live his life.
He will more than likely move on but for now he can't hurt child but not coming.
Now you need not to accommodate him...with a over night stay or extra booty call....he needs to be parpared and maybe take daughter out to eat.
I wouldnt want to cut him out of the daughter's life if he wants to make an effort....but he has to pay too....and he has to knowmif you go to court they will take wages...for child care.
- EvaLv 73 months ago
Leave it. He's staying in contact even though he doesn't see her every week. Stop and think - if you were driving 3 hours each way, how much time does that leave for a visit? I don't blame him for not wanting to make the drive every week. You're lucky he stays in contact at all. There are so many that don't.
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- yLv 73 months ago
Would it be better to just not have him around, nope.
The best choice is the most contact he can offer, which is once a month and phone calls. It is what it is. Many parents travel almost that much, one at home, the other gone, it's life for many more kids then just yours. When the child is older, they will be able to visit for a week or two here and there. That s the next evaluation and you will have a very strong instinct, to say no. That would also be wrong, it is right around the corner too.
- Anonymous3 months ago
always be positive in your relationship with him and never ever speak badly of him to the child
you would punish the child by being vengeful to him
if things were going to be perfect you would still be a couple
50% of time he is wrong and 50% you are wrong
just because the poplar way is hate and complain and blame and women have the power -- does not mean you have to
no matter how bad he is was.. you were foolish enough to make a child with him and that makes it 51% your fault
- Kayla TitzerLv 53 months ago
to be honest, i think you should let him continue with the monthly visitation and the phone calls. if he lives three hours away and makes the drive to spend time with her and tries to make it back home within the same day, then you have to consider that he as a six hour drive total, so that three to four hours of seeing her is a lot better than it only being an hour or a lousy thirty minutes with her. and at least he tries to make up for not going out there all the time with a few phone calls a week. that's a lot more effort than a lot of fathers try to make with living that far away. maybe he really needed the move, too, so you have to try to consider that. the best choice for you to make is the one you know is best for your daughter, that's all that will ever matter - now and in the future. i have a three year old daughter and her father lives a block away (not even a five minute walk) and he has never tried to see her or spend time with her, let alone three to four hours. even when we were together, he wanted nothing to do with her. so you just have to be thankful that he's trying as best he can to be that active parent from so far away. you should never keep a child away from a their father that actually wants something to do with them.
- KellyLv 73 months ago
You should be ashamed of yourself as a parent to want to deny your child a relationship with their other parent.
Denying kids visits, access, calls with their other parent hurts the kids more than it does the parent. It has a name which is parental alienation. In the end, it will you answering her question of why she didn't know her dad.
I've been a single mom and my kids dad lived 1,500 miles from us. Their dad called them just about everyday, did video calls and for visits he had them for Christmas and spring breaks and 2 months in the summer... this is all voluntary... the only reason we had a court custody agreement was because it was part of a divorce settlement.
What he should do is get a court agreement preventing you from doing so.