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Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 3 months ago

What do you think of this? Opinions?

He looked at her without saying a word. He didn't know what to say. She had poured her heart out. The story of her life, the harsh truth discovered too soon. Bad she ever had a real childhood? Why was he so hard on her, knowing all that she went through? She kept looking and playing with the grass with her feet. "I'm tired of living here. This is not life, this is surviving. I want to go back to Ireland" she said, and warm desperate tears started to fall down her cheeks, down the white scar across her face. "You can't. It's not the way you remember it. Everything has changed. The people you know have all moved away. And there's the war..." he said, sighing and feeling hopeless. He was worried about her and hated to kill her only hope. "I can!" She said, desperate and angry. "I'll go back. I hate everything here, I don't want to spend another single minute in this place. I ahte everything that's here. Even my own life. I want my old life back. I want to go to my grandma, I miss her so much. She will take care of me. I know it. She has always loved me" she cried, again. "m sorry but she passed away... more than 10 years ago, a year after you left." She kept crying. "No... no...".He wanted to hug her but he kept himself from doing that. He only put his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, she died of old age. I went to visit her every week that year. the life you knew can never get back,you have to move on". She pushed him away. "No! I'm tired of living like this I want to go back!

Update:

I'm dying every single day here!". She was almost screaming in anger. "You don't understans what I went through! What I have lived!". She pushed him away with her hands. He let her do that. She was angry and desperate and was breathing fast. "When you'll go back, I'll come with you. I just need someone to do the journey with, and then we'll take separate roads". "I won't go back. If I do it, I'll get caught again. I can't help you I'm sorry". 

Update 2:

But what about the story and the content?

Update 3:

The story is set in England. The girl wants to go back to Ireland, the country she had to leave when she was a child.

6 Answers

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  • Marli
    Lv 7
    3 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    First problem: I'm sure this is the story of the escaped revolutionary who meets and cares for a broken blossom of a girl who has been mistreated by her cousins and classmates; but some of us here don't know the background and you have changed the "script" again.  The last time I read your "What do you think of this?" the poor guy was arrested at the pier and the girl was left alone to either board the ship or stay in port. (I'm not sure it was Southampton, England or Queenstown [Cobh] Ireland.)  Give us a bit of background of this scene before your except.  Are they in Canada or the US or Australia or South Africa?  Exactly where in the country are they?

    2nd: You're changing points of view within paragraphs. "He didn't know what to say." is from his point of view. "Why was he so hard on her...?" is from her point of view. I thought on first reading that the part between them was also from his point of view, since it followed the sentence based on his point of view.  You've bounced between their thoughts throughout the scene. If you and the reader are supposed to be sitting above their heads and reading their minds, we need at least a separate paragraph for each person.

    3rd.:  The girl [I'll call her Ann this time] is acting petulant. She knew when she agreed to run away with him that life would be hard and she would be homesick. Anyone who was not a child would have known that.  She is acting like a spoiled, pampered child, not like a woman who has had a hard life among cruel people. Not even like an older child of fifteen, the age you gave her in one of your versions. Why would she want to leave the man who so obviously cares for her to go back to the kicks and blows and poverty of her old life? [Or I had assumed she was over fourteen, the year a lower-class girl went to earn her living, since she was out of whatever a school funded by taxpayers is called in Ireland].  Because she's bored? She's lived through worse than boredom.  She's a working-class girl. She does not expect to sit on her fanny with a box of candy or dance at society balls. She knows life is mostly survival - she grew up surviving - especially in a colony like rural Canada or as a housemaid or washerwoman in cities like Boston or Toronto, how many Irishwomen immigrants worked in the early 1900s. Yes, those girls were homesick, but they had to stick to it. There were too many to feed back home, and every extra bit of cash they could send to their parents would help the family survive.

    4th: "I'm sorry but she [her grandma] passed away... more than 10 years ago, a year after you left." After Ann left with this man? [Sean. It would be helpful if you named them.] Or a year after she left Grandma to attend boarding school?  [Grandma was not in your earlier versions.]  Why has Ann not known her grandmother was dead for over ten years? Didn't she in those ten years send the loving and caring old woman a letter saying where she now was?  Or did she know about the death, but she is so distraught that she has lost her memory or mind?  [Poor Sean.  Why did he take on such a neurotic girl?] 

    5th: "You don't understand what I went through! What I have lived!".  After how much time Ann and Sean have been together, Sean doesn't know?  Or is it that Ann does not know what Sean has endured?  Either way, to me it's incredible that two people who bonded so closely that they emigrated together did not confide their past histories to each other.  Sean may have had a few gory deaths locked in his bosom, but what could Ann have held back from him?  

    6th: "When you'll go back, I'll come with you. I just need someone to do the journey with, and then we'll take separate roads". "I won't go back. If I do it, I'll get caught again.. ." Why did Ann think Sean would go back to Ireland?  She said "When", not "If".  She expects him to go back, even with a price on his life.

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  • Thomas
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    It's not a bad story but there is no imagery.  It's like a painting lacking color.

    Did you work on this or just write it once and submit it here?   Add adjectives that give a phrase more life.  Be creative.  Good luck.

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  • Tina
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    It doesn't make sense.

    Apparently she 'never had a childhood' but she wants to go back to where she spent her childhood - why? Why doesn't she know her grandma's dead? did no one tell her? did she never send a letter or ask about her?

    Why has 'everything changed' in Ireland? why have all the people she knew moved away. "And there's the war" - which war? The War of Independance lasted about two years, the Civil War about 10 months. If she's been away for ten years she could easily have missed both of them. And why is the man going to 'get caught again' if he goes back to Ireland - who by? if he's *in* England, presumably he's in no danger from the Brits - if one of the factions in Ireland want him, presumably he's a traitor.

    You really have to go right back to the beginning and work out who these people are and what has happened or is happening to them.

    And if I were you, unless you are Irish (and I do get the feeling that you're not) *don't* try to set any of it in Ireland.

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    i think hes right about what hes saying

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  • 3 months ago

    It's choppy and poorly written overall. There's too much "she did this" then " she did that". Readers want to see the action, not be told what's happening. You also need to work on grammar, spelling, and how to correctly write dialogue. There needs to be a break each time a character speaks.

    The story seems whiny and overly dramatic to me. I can't stand whiny characters and will not read books with this much drama.

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  • 3 months ago

    You should always proof read what you write before asking for someone to critique your work. There are some misused and misspelled words in this writing.

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