Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 month ago

Get away for Christmas with 2 young children, but no husband?

I need help! I am so confused and depressed. I hate the holidays because I have no family here and my MIL lives very close and she's just this super-controlling woman. She's also so toxic that it ruins my holiday. Is it the norm to attend 3 in-laws Christmases?! My husband is from a huge family and they have one Christmas for his mother's side of family, one for his father's side of family, and one for just the immediates - in-laws and the sons.  I get it, you go see them once, but 3 times?! Come on! My husband is always kind of guilty he says "no" to all of her parties. To avoid the drama, I thought of booking a trip for me and the kids. Looking at Orlando or somewhere coastal. I even found a good deal. Question is, do I go for it and book it? I don't want it to be a spit in the face either, as my husband will be here alone (he has no PTO left to use). I tried to talk to him calmly, he said he doesn't care what I do. This pisses me off. I tried to explain to him that maybe the kids would benefit from not spending almost 3 weeks off school here in bitter cold (we live up North). He said he just doesn't care. I also tried talking about MIL plans of 3 Christmases and he's just so mad right now, he won't even address it. He thinks I have a bad attitude, so he doesn't want me around here! As for kids, we have an 8 yr old and a 3 yr old. I am worried about the 3 yr old, as this could be a crapshoot. I have never stayed at a hotel for a week with them both, without the husband. 

Update:

We tried to figure it out. He feels guilty for not playing along and doing what MIL wants to do. It's caused so much tension, we fight all the time about it, every year. I should note, every time I come to in-law Christmas, I am being treated like crap. I am told to my face that I suck and my family is a bunch of drunkards. Btw, my family is a bunch of small business owners and formerly engineers, while the in-laws are just sitting on their a$$es and complain how everybody is bad.

Update 2:

He doesn't complain to them. MIL just hated me from the start. I am from Europe, it's too expensive to fly there and back for 10 days. We got married very young, I didn't think about MIL being such a crapper and I should have taken my chances to move further away, but it's not the reality now. Yes, he's the breadwinner. 

6 Answers

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Chances are you'd be ruining your MIL's Christmas by not having her grandchildren around. Maybe just stay home with a "bad cold" for one or two of these and let your husband take the kids. Then do a Florida trip some other time when your spouse can go too. Your kids live in snow country, they're not going to perish by spending three weeks at home during winter break.

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  • 1 month ago

    Sounds like a great way to prepare to divorce your husband and his family. No other reason I can come up with to take your two kids and leave your husband during the holidays because you just hate his family and don't want your kids to love them either. It's not all that much a "crapshoot". Sounds like the third step in the 6 step staircase to divorce. Better would be to take YOURSELF to a retreat and let the kids be with their Dad and family. Actually. Yes.

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  • .
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    You and your husband are both suffering the tension of the family demands especially from the MIL. In the meantime you might want to see her well before Christmas, take her a Christmas Gift Basket full of goodies, bring dinner over, then go on a sunny destination Christmas holiday for a week, return home and for New Years see the rest of the family.

    Seems to me that you had the same situation as myself. My parents divorced so that my father could marry his mistress. During that time I already had 2 children that his mistress wasn't pleased with. Every time my father invited my husband and my children over to visit, his new wife would cause an issue and my father would, and I was to blame for her issues. I was just the mom looking after my young children and would always have to keep them out of my father's wife's way so she wouldn't get angry with me. But life isn't perfect and children when they are 2 & 4 years old don't sit still for a full days visit. The younger one also had potty training issues at the time. If there was an accident and she got wet, my father's wife would make an issue about that, even while I was cleaning my baby girl up, and clean up where she wet. Those holidays where a nightmare. Eventually I had to cut off my time with my father because of that, if I was going to have any sanity in my life.

    With that said, if there are divorced parents/grandparents and they remarry, you need to ignore their demands.... FULL STOP!!!

    You do what you can, you do what makes you happy, you do what makes you feel comfortable, and lastly you stop with the stressing.

    MIL gets a PreChrstmas early in December, you see all others during or The New Year, You get away for a early Christmas Holiday, and have your Christmas in a Cabin in the mountains, I think there are some rentals or you can go to a tropical resort. This would need some planning well in advance, possibly make advanced reservations in early January, for a Christmas getaway. 

    Santa like everyone else can be late for filling the stockings and a few gifts.

    Not to worry the kids will have a blast, nonetheless.

    Cheers.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Agree to go to one function, let him take the kids to the others IF they want to go. More presents for them. You should be encouraging family time. Instead of going on vacation without him. Go to the event(s) with his family and AFTER Christmas, go take the kids to wherever your family is for a week or two. Then you'll have help with the kids. You'll get a break, they'll get a break and you won't end up getting divorced over this. Stop reacting to his family. You are asking him to choose and that's not fair. You moved to where his family lives. This is what you chose. But going on vacation without him, especially when he is probably the breadwinner supporting you, seems like a slap in the face. He needs to stick up for you and not complain to his family about you and you need to figure out what YOU need to do to keep family harmony. They're not treating you like crap for no reason. It may just be that he vents to them about you and if that's the reason, he needs to stop and tell them to stop. If you can't fix this, you may as well lawyer up now. This marriage ain't lasting with your attitude.

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  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    I would simply tell my MIL no thank you and be done with it. Someone can not control you unless you let yourself be controlled. I would let my husband know he is welcome to go and take the children, but I am not going to go be treated like crap. I would never take my children away from their father for the holidays. If you go down that road there is no coming back from it, and he (and his mother) will hold it against you forever.

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  • g
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You want to take the children away for Christmas without dad?? That's messed up. Yes the three separate gatherings are a bit much, plus you have your children and own family to consider. Surely you and your husband can figure this out together?

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