My daughters step mum speaks for my ex regarding visits is this right? Should she stay out?

I left my abusive useless weed smoking bum of an ex partner a year after our dd was born (shes 10 now).  financially emotionally, even visits, where only on his terms or when he decided (rare)

 I got married  2 yrs after leaving him had 2 more children, my husband has supported my dd and raised her as his own. Throughout the years my ex went from living with different women (their own homes) and squatting with mates.  Finally hes married with a step dd our dd's age. 

I get along with his new wife she brought my ex and i to talk again for the sake of our daughter. So i was happy he was stable, married with kids.

Although its her step mum doing everything for her, taking her and her step sisters out to swimming festivals camping etc. She buys her little things that she needs, mind you the ex still does barely anything. She enjoys going there if her step mum is there but she really has seen her father as the useless man he is. Her step sister is not very pleasent to her either. My daughter slowly hates going there and seems so distressed because of him and his strict ways. 

Of course i havent forced her to go to them anymore. Ive tried to talk with my ex to.invite him to talk with our daughter to get over some issues face to face. He declined and continously blames me for leaving him thats why our daughter doesnt 'like'him. Now step mum is getting involved again to bring us together but yet she wants to stay out of it. Shes invited him and i to chat b4 xmas

6 Answers

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Given that she's the only responsible adult in your ex's household I wouldn't protest this too much. Sounds like she's trying to be a peacemaker for the sake of your child. Seems you've got two options...1) Let this woman be the diplomat you and your ex need... Or 2) go to court to strip this ex of his parental rights so you don't have to deal with either one of them.

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  • 1 month ago

    Yes, that is find, it's usually the women who take care of the children anyway.

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  • 1 month ago

    It sounds like she's been asked to do this. I doubt she's wrestled control of everything so much as she'd like it all to work out as smoothly as possible and that won't happen if your EX manages it. "SHOULD" she stay out or not? Depends on what your goals are!

    I've been a stepmother for 32 years. I get along with my stepkids' Mom better than my husband does. Not a lot better, but better. I didn't know my husband when they were wed and not a part of their troubles. I've loved and sacrificed and cared for and supported their kids. And if there is any intermediary (she still refuses to be in the same room with him to the point that she refused to attend their sons' weddings), that intermediary is me. And I want what is best for the kids. They have kids of their own now but what is best is that family is family.

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  • .
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    The stepmom will soon run out of patients for your ex, and instead of placing blame on her husband, will take it out on her stepkids. Children and stepfamilies have never been a positive mix. 

    And I can contest for that. I became a stepdaughter at the ripe old age of 34 after the birth of my second child. My father's new wife, wanted children, but couldn't, and ended up angry at me for having children before they were married. She hates me to this day, just because of that.

    When your daughter becomes a teen she will get tired of the issues in this stepfamily, she has most likely has noticed her father's disengagement and neglect of her, and his wife will end up losing all interest in carrying for her and start disengaging from her too, leaving her to herself, then after that the toxic behaviour will start in the whole household.

    Your daughter will let you know when she starts feeling ignored and forgotten about if you have good communication. 

    Now once this bad situation turns to worse, that will be the time when you my want to lawyer up and so you can stop visitation, and let your daughter visit her father on her own terms. Once she's around 13 the judge will listen to her emotional needs and will take her feelings into consideration, because what everyone wants in a situation like this is what's best for the child.

    And his lack of parenting is not your fault, it's how much he desires to be her biological father.

    No one really knows what is said when your daughter isn't around, her stepmother might even be telling your ex-husband that she wishes he was never a father when they married. And in the beginning his wife could be complaining that he is paying too much attention to his daughter, to make up for lost time. He just may have gotten sick of his wife's ranting, and this could be the reason why he could be neglecting her now.

    No woman wants to be a stepmother even though they're entering a marital union where there are children and/or grandchildren in the equation. Why women want to marry men that have children, but really don't want the children around is beyond me.... It is confusing.

    Go to this website and just be a fly on the wall and see what these stepmother say and rant to each other. https://www.steptalk.org

    Good Luck & I hope you find the answers that could be helpful for you and your daughter.

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  • 1 month ago

    So when she intervened before the child did benefit from it. Now she is trying again, you want her to stay out of it? OK. But which would your daughter benefit from? That is what you need to consider. Not what might benefit you or might get something over on your Ex - what might give her a better life.

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  • 1 month ago

    Before xmas. I declined based on his rejection and she wont let it go. Making me furious that everyone does everything for him raise his kids, house him, and talk for him...what do you think?

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