Is it a good piece of creative writing?
She put many blankets on him but he was still shivering. His face was paler than the moonlight shining through the window, his eyes frightened and empty, as if he was not there, as if it was not him. No, this wasn't the brave young man who saved her and comforted her when she was at her worst. No. This was a scared, weak, helpless version of him. He kept shivering and curling up himself. "What can I do? What you do want me to do? Please tell me..." she said, crying and feeling nervous and powerless. "I'm so cold" he replied. He didn't even have the strength to turn and look at her. He kept facing the ceiling, his hands on his stomach, trying to control his pain. He had sudden crisis of cramps who would come and go. His stomach ached and when he coughed he felt like he would throw out his soul. He still had the taste of his own blood somewhere in his mouth. She thought "That's it. He's going to die. I don't know what to do. What if he doesn't survive the night? What am I going to do without him? If he dies, I'll die with him. I'm not scared of dying. I'm more scared of a life without him. I don't want to be alone anymore". She put his head on the mountain of blankets on his chest. Then she was on top of him. She hugged him on the pile of blankets and moved her hands so fast on him hoping to warm him up. She kept doing the same thing, maybe that would have brought to something. She fell asleep a few hours later, just before dawn. It was the most tormented sleep of her life.
- Anonymous1 month agoFavorite Answer
It contains many grammar and formal mistakes but somehow I like it, I am curious to know what will happen. Emotional story but really bad writing. I didn't even understand what happen. Is the guy still alive when she falld asleep? Why is he ill? Why does she call an ambulance or a doctor or help?
- MarliLv 71 month ago
I'll respect this as a first draft because I told you to write the story you wanted to write and because first drafts are usually bad. You are pouring out your work on the page. That's fine; but there is lots of work ahead to make it worth reading.
Take heed of what the others have said. My query is that the couple are poor, so there can't be a lot of blankets. Also why doesn't she feed himsoup as well as warm his hands and feet?
- pianomanLv 71 month ago
There are some mistakes, but it's ok.
- TinaLv 71 month ago
No, it isn't. It really isn't.
The girl is being silly and useless, and she would sound silly and useless even if the writing was good, which I'm afraid it's not.
And... well... if he's having painful stomach cramps, I'm sorry, but they will almost certainly be accompanied by bursts of diarrhea. This is not romantic to deal with, and you may prefer to lose the cramps.
Make up your mind what he's got, look up the symptoms, and stick to those.
As for her lying on top of him and moving her hands fast - no. Just no. It really doesn't sound like the right treatment for a sick man.
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- MsBittnerLv 71 month ago
I reached the same conclusion Andrew did about who you are, only hours later. Hey, US Central here! Unless I have insomnia, I ain't got a chance.
He's covered the mawkish nature of the content, so I'll focus on the flaws of the writing. I would like to note that the will to live, even without your beloved, flows strong in all normal people. When "MrBittner" was gravely ill, I never once thought if he died I might as well join him. I'd far rather be alive, devastated or not.
The flaws and mistakes:
Telling instead of showing. Example: It was the most tormented sleep of her life.
Weak Verbs: put, was, were, feel, does, want. I nearly dozed off.
Mistake with subjunctive verb, right near the start. "...as if he WERE not..."
Mistakes with punctuation for dialogue and interior monologue.
Failure to follow conventions on when to break for new paragraphs in regard to dialogue.
Head-hopping, the point of view changing. You have to stay in one person's experience per scene, if not per book.
Using the wrong word, similar but not right.
Weird use of language. I can't tell what you're trying to express with "...maybe that would have brought to something."
Monotony in sentence structure. How many are She-verb? Too many.
Distance from narrator, even when you're not filtering. Instead of telling us she thinks she's never been more scared, tell us what her fears are and what she imagines her life will be like. She's not sitting there thinking about the nature of her fear.
Impossible physical stuff. How can she put his head on blankets piled on his chest, unless she snaps his neck first? That might be a kindness.
Here's your assignment. Without worrying about content, rewrite this to fix all the flaws I noted. You don't have to show it to anyone, but make it much, much better.
And keep this list, because I'd bet actual cash money you make these mistakes often. Print it and post it where you write, so you'll see and remember not to.
- Anonymous1 month ago
No. The prose is purple and overwrought as well as so melodramatic that it comes off as near-parody. It also makes no sense - if this guy is sick or injured, why isn't this nimwit getting him help? Why does he have a fever, stomach cramps and coughing? If this is appendicitis, there's no coughing, for example. We have no clue what's wrong, other than some flighty woman who is too stupid to seek medical help and seems to have some mental issues is trying to smother him in blankets and thinks that rug burn wil somehow help.
- LizLv 41 month ago
There's room for improvement.
- AndrewLv 71 month ago
No, it's not.
I'm going to take a wild guess and presume that you're the anonymous muppet who's forever posting endless variations on the same sappy story concept about this tragic couple and their overly dramatic escapades.
Considering that you've been incessantly spamming your risible dreck for months on end now, it's blatantly clear that you couldn't care less for advice. You simply want an audience, so there's no reason for anyone to go to the trouble of providing you with a detailed critique that outlines the many errors in this excerpt such as the fact that it isn't divided into paragraphs... the dialogue isn't formatted correctly... the awkward word choices that no native speaker of English would employ... your maddeningly annoying tendency to employ "he" and "she" interchangeably so that the reader has absolutely no fecking idea what you're on about...
Suffice it so say that it's horrendously godawful, but I don't expect that to deter you. I'm sure you'll be back in 12 hours with another silly premise where one of them is dying after having saved the other from some horrific fate because that seems to be the only theme that inspires you to plaster this codswallop here day after day after day.